Tuesday, 7 September 2010

I wouldn't have nothin if I didn't have you

The more I love Rocco, the guiltier I feel. Surely the more love I feel for him means there was still space in my heart for more love to go in. Why was there still space? Aren't you supposed to just automatically, immediately love your child at birth? Until your heart almost bursts with the weight of the big heavy love?

I'm *great* at guilt. I used to sit in church as a child every Sunday, staring at the bloodied hands of Jesus. It was all my fault he got crucified, don't you know. These days I don't need church - I can totally crucify myself really, really well. Tori Amos sang "Got enough guilt to start ... my own religion."

(I have enough guilt to start my own Holy War. My own Gaza strip. Massive cult. Occasionally, I let Dave peek into my head, tell him EXACTLY what's going on in there among all the apple cores and broken synapses ..... the neurons littered with dead-ends. He can't believe it. "Do you seriously think like that hon?? Bloody hell .... (slow whistle) .... poor Eddie. Glad I'm not you.")

So. My son Rocco - no longer a baby. He is developing his own hilarious, eccentric, divine sense of humour. Oh I love him til it aches.  He's on the cusp of toddlerhood. He puts on funny hats and dances around and loves making us laugh. His laughing makes me laugh. I see snatches of his personality shining through. Maybe they have always shone through, maybe I haven't really been paying much attention these past two years. Ack. Owie.

I was looking into his amazing eyes yesterday as I played with him - really played. I think he's been there all along. I think I've been a bit preoccupied ... a bit of an arsehole mother (GASP).

And I'm really, truly sorry for that. All I can do is to use the pain over my emotionally neglectful-parenting and use it to propel me towards a more available, better mother. Or something. I'll probably have this whole parenting gig all nicely figured out by the time he's twenty. Max will be 26. Tim will be 35. I'll get down on my 55 year old knees and beg them all for forgiveness - they'll roll their eyes and tell me to shut up, the footy's on.


The other day, I hired out Monsters Inc for Rocco to watch. It was Max's all-time favourite movie when he was two, and I was interested to see if Rocco would like it.

HE LOVES IT. It was beautiful to watch - like handing down a baton from one brother to another.

And I still remember every single piece of dialogue - even the outtakes at the end. I told Max I bet he'll love watching it - he didn't think so but in the end he sat entranced, wanting to watch it again. Tim came home last night while it was on .... the three of them sat there, laughing as Boo banged Randall with the baseball bat and he turned all different colours.

Remember the song at the end - the one that Billy Crystal and John Goodman sang at the Oscars that year?

"Sometimes I get a little blue ... but I wouldn't have nothin if I didn't have you."
I wouldn't. I wouldn't have nothin. I'd just be this broken woman with a wonky brain and a guilt complex big enough to kill me.


OR, I could have overcome all my demons on my own, with no children or strong husband involved. Could have. Maybe.



PPS If I really get down on my 55 year old knees I'd definitely need a cushion. The strange thing about living in this world and overcoming said demons ..... you start to age. I never expected that.


  1. I swear to God we've been watching that movie non stop for the last fortnight. I even had to fight Axel for the tv to watch Neighbours tonight- and had to unpause Monsters Inc afterwards. Lucky it's a good movie cos I was getting so tired of Finding Nemo.

  2. Mommy guilt. It trumps every other guilt on the planet.

    S2 was a precious baby. Really. Everyone raved about him, his smile, his eyes, his personality. For his first year, the only way I remember anything about him is through photos. It's a long sad story..the reasons why...but I didn't "see" my beautiful son that whole year, even through I fed him, changed him, and was physically present.

    You want to know how long the guilt lasts??? I still have it and he is 20.

    So, I make that a big knee pillow so I can share it with you.

  3. Ah guilt. Tastes like chocolate, only more bitter.

  4. I think there's always space for more love to grow.

    We love Monsters Inc. around our house. Even if we haven't seen it for a while, you will still here someone saying "Mike Wazowski" every now and then.

  5. I hear you on the guilt. The amount of guilt I feel about my animals (and feeling like I don't do enough for them) makes me wonder if I could make it as a mom without drowning in the guilt.

  6. OY!!! Now listen here chicky chicky. You simply have forgotten that every month when Max was a baby you fell more and more in love. You are comparing what you felt for Max at 6 and also the feelings around his birth with Rocco's.
    I PROMISE you constantly noticed new things about Max and new things to love and your heart expanded more and more every day. Just when you thought it wasn't possible you would notice some new miracle he did.
    And it is just the same with Rocco. No need for guilt. The trauma around his birth you have worked through so now....


    Be gentle with you and please know you have zero reason for guilt, it honestly is the same babe.

    p.s. reading your blog is my chocolate!!

  7. We watch that freaking movie almost every day.Of course, now I associate that music so much with my little snuggle-bug, that I get weepy thinking about it when I am driving to pick him up from day care.

  8. mommy guilt... i could write a book.... love you for keeping it real.


Write to be understood, speak to be heard. - Lawrence Powell

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...