Wednesday, 8 September 2010

The Fat Suit

So I've put on weight. And I can't lose it.

I mean, I can - it's just harder than it used to be. I know I need to do some serious exercise, eat less and move more boring boring blah ... but usually I do all that in two days and I'm skinny again.

I'm not skinny again. So what do I do? EAT MORE. I've totally gorged out on chocolate and bacon and the kids school snacks. Thrown caution to the wind. Hell, may as well eat now before I start dieting. But it's jiggly. And I keep putting jackets on to cover myself up. My arm flab is pretty impressive. It just doesn't feel very nice.

I rang my sister Linda the other day, talking talking. Then I was all, "Oh that's right, I had to ask you something. So you know how I'm all FAT now - (she laughs) - well, I actually have to tuck my gut into my jeans now. Like a shirt. Like, a shirt made out of actual fat that I have to tuck in. Do you ever feel like this??"


"Well Eden, considering I've had extra kilos for ohhhh, I don't know ..... MY ENTIRE ADULT LIFE, I hadn't really noticed this predicament before. But I'll let you know - TOMORROW MORNING when I'm getting dressed. Thanks for that."

I told her she is so welcome.

Today, my stomach was so gurgly and full of gas, I had to start treating it with some respect. I ate some dates for breakfast, an organic soup for lunch, battled with myself in the afternoon as I eyed the chocolate biscuits, but made a big fresh juice instead. Carrot, apple and ginger - a huge amount. I totally tricked my stomach into thinking it's full of food.

My friend has started teaching Zumba classes, so I'll give that a go this week too. Then, once I look a bit better, I can regain my place at the gym. Because there's no WAY I'm wearing a skimpy t-shirt and leggings any time soon.

I feel like a crap sandwich (mmmmmm, crap sandwich) .... you know how all the gunk comes out and you get headaches? Yeah. But I know within a few weeks I'll feel amazing. There's a half-eaten family size box of my favourite chocolates under my bed though. I'm going to have to ask Tim to remove them from this house, stat.

Because I'd really like to see my feet properly again sometime soon.


  1. Pffft you're not fat!!

    I bet ya I can "out fat" ya - with ease!!

    And thanks for the belly laugh @ "tuck my gut into my jeans" - that brightened my arvo!! LOL


  2. and this right here is why i love you. be on the look out for my upcoming post about my hairy-ness... its coming

  3. Eating eating eating...I am an eating machine right now

  4. Dude, that's nothing! My mummy tummy is way better yours.; )

  5. I hate tucking my gut into my jeans. And if you think it's bad now, give it a few years. I am actually going to have to stop eating the food I like to eat and start eating healthy crap. I hate that. Also, they're opening a Five Guys burgers place near work, and that might be a problem for my stop eating crap campaign.

  6. This is gold. Don't ya just hate celebs who get back into shape two days after giving birth? I guess if we all had personal trainers and nannies we'd be able to do that too.

  7. I can't tell you how often I've been reading an Eden post or FB update in which you are listing the gobs and gobs of delicious foods you consume and I think, "that skinny bitch."

    This serves you right. Tuck away, momma. Tuck. A. Way.

    (And, btw, unless you gained a significant amount of weight in a few weeks, i can tell you for a fact that you are not fat. But if you get too fat for the Chanel can I have them?)


  8. I hate how you have to get in shape to work out in front of people. It's so annoying. And don't get me started on bellies. I swear I have the cutest belly right now, for a pregnant woman. I, however, am NOT PREGNANT! My stomach seems to think I am. It sticks out in a nice bump just like when I was pregnant with Emberly. It's so sad. It's also sad that I know exactly what you're talking about with "tucking in the fat." I do that daily. :( I'm now not sure if I'm depressed b/c you pointed all of this back out to me, or if I'm relieved that someone suffers like me.

  9. I can take that half eaten box of chocolates off your hands :-)

  10. I hear ya! I have lost 41 (yes, the 1 is important) lbs and now it isn't fat that gets tucked, its rolls of loose skin.

    Sexy huh?

  11. I'm with Linda. Don't make me come down there and smack you. Sweetheart, that photo is really awesome, but that was me, like, two kids ago.

    I was 113 the day I found out I was pregnant the first time and the OB told me I could stand to GAIN a few pounds. I had one of those metabolisms that let me eat whatever I wanted; they called me "Twig" in high school. Now? After years of abusing my metabolism with chronic meal skipping (eating three times a day is ~such~ a pain in the ass, man, I'm BUSY. All that shopping and cooking and cleaning up ... pfffft ... my bff in college speculated that I had deficient taste buds or something cause I was so indifferent to meals at times. NTM when I'm stressed I used to quit eating and I'm stressed A LOT.) The meal skipping plus the kids plus middle age (yes, I choked on that one as I typed it) has finally caught up with me and all those life-long dieters are having their revenge wishes come true. I passed 'fat' a long time ago only I can't tell you when because I stay away from mirrors when I have my glasses on and I run from photographs. I had to renew my driver's license not long ago and it was a total head ****. The pic, the weight question ...

    I'm desperate now though because the escalation of sizes in my closet must be reversed. Thinking of doing Jenny Craig. I tried personal training for a while, but it sucked being trained by a 22 year old who looked at me like I was from Mars and had no clue. Remember what it was like when you everything was black and white and were bullet proof? Thinking of signing up for Jillian Michaels online. I'm not much of a dancer, so the who aerobics/zumba stuff is not my bag.

    Fat shirt, indeed. Yes what I would give to just unbutton this fat and walk out of it. And then if I do lose the fat, will I need surgery for a tummy (NTM everything else) tuck?

    The Gods are laughing at us, Babe.

    PS I saw a T-Shirt on a store rack at the beach last week that announced, "I have the body of a God."

    And then in mice type it said, "Unfortunately it's Buddha."

  12. Sorry for the messy comment. I can't type anything any more uninterrupted. Dylan has been poking me every three seconds for the last 10 minutes to read Biscuit to him ... and he had a major melt down just before that. Oh. Yeah. I'll have time to exercise. No prob.

    (Presses face and nose and palms bleached-white-flat against the glass of your laptop screen and mouths a silent scream, H. E. L. P. M. E.!!!)

  13. I think I know that belly. Oh right. It's right here in front of me. But we're different. I don't dare tuck mine in. I let it hang out and then wear and very flattering and loosely fitting shirt.


Write to be understood, speak to be heard. - Lawrence Powell

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...