Friday, 23 July 2010

We Are All in This Together

One week ago Dave and I went to court. For seven hours straight there were legal murmerings and whispers and angry faces and shouting. Mediation, in and out of the rooms, heated discussions. Until finally, after over a YEAR of legal wrangling and bullshit and vendettas and vengeance ..... it is now resolved. I haven't seen Dave smile so broadly in - ohhh, two years. He's smiling with his whole face and whole heart. This particular issue burnt him like a fire .... affected him on an emotional level much more than the cancer ever did. I have been doing 98% of the parenting for so long now. I get shocked when I look in the mirror and don't see the hundred year old crone I feel I am.
So - what was rightfully Dave's is now his again .... ours, even. People are such odd creatures, especially when it comes to money.

This has all brought forth a flurry of paperwork and activity and stress and angst, which won't end for another week. We leave for America in a little over a week.

I sat in the courthouse, nodding wisely with the legal team at appropriate times, pretending I had an inkling. I did have an inkling, but it was boring. My brain short circuits with facts and figures. Give me words and metaphors, THAT is where I live. I soon realised where Rocco's lost pinocchio toy from his Happy Meal went - in my handbag. At certain times my bag could be heard giving off a little high pitched squeal, which I ignored. Once we were all standing there together and I bumped the wall with it. "I'M A REAL BOOOOOY."

I stood there pretending I hadn't heard a thing. The lawyer stopped talking, I saw Dave wince out of the corner of my innocent eye.


Every day is a full one. Many moons ago, when I was only a few months clean, my sponsor had a party at her house. I remember going to the loo, looking through the stacks of books piled up near the sink. One was called "Daily Meditations for Women Who Do Too Much." I thought it was pretty stupid - who would do too much? If anything I needed a book for women who do too little.

I need the "Too Much" book right now. I have never been so busy and swirling. I made a will for the first time ever .... it feels like I signed my own death warrant, with all the talk of life support getting turned off and guardianship of the boys. Sitting in the solicitors office next Dave I said: "Great. Bet we'll die violently in a plane fireball."

He winced again. When we drove home there was a truck in front of us and I imagined it suddenly flying open and hundreds of dead bodies spill out all over the road, bones crunching under our tyres.

I look at the boys and wonder how they would live their lives if we died. It's Dave's birthday next week, I'm giving him a helicopter trip around NYC. What if his chopper crashes and he dies and it's all my fault because I dragged him across the world all in the name of blogging?

The only reason we are going to New York is because of Dave's penis. If he hadn't had a vasectomy, I wouldn't have done IVF, wouldn't have started a blog. I always thought I would shut my blog down after I had the baby .... my monkey. All bets were off when Dave got cancer. I blogged often and hard. I remember realising for the first time .... that you didn't have to have a "topic" to blog about. You could write anything, anything at all. Amazing. Mel wrote a wonderful post yesterday about blogging, why you shouldn't think it's not worth it.

Dave and I are mainly going on a trip together because he almost died. We were made painfully aware how life can turn on a dime, at any stage. It's like we're just saying "Fuck it!" .... and just going. Everybody around us is excited and amazed, some say they wish they could do that too. I say, you can. You can do whatever the hell you want.

My imagination is firing on all cylinders. So is my stress and anxiety and overwhelming-ness. I need more Rescue Remedy. My sister Linda is a Reiki Practitioner and Australian Bushflower Remedy Queen, based down in Sydney. I need to order a vat, STAT.

It's so cold here - the dead of winter. Seems obscene that I have to pack summer clothes - and I'm not really a clothesey person. Probably jeans, some tees ..... a denim skirt if I can get away with it. I have heard a vicious rumour that Americans don't wear thongs? (Which they call flip-flops ... they think thongs are G-strings, LOLZA)

Ok I have MAN FEET ..... no dainty sweet sandals for me. I own five pairs of Havaianas, all in different colours, including hot pink, black and gold, and a purple Grimace colour. Am I allowed to wear them, or will I look like a tourist freak?


Um, I am a Finalist in BlogHer's Voices of the Year.

I feel incredibly honoured to be a part of this ... "Immediately after the community keynote, at a reception and Gala, the kirtsy team and BlogHer are working to transform the words and images of our 90 keynoters into healing action for the Gulf Coast. Inspiring works will live on after the conference, raising money to help fund the long-term recovery efforts the Gulf will need."

Dave will be staying away from most of the BlogHer mayhem, but he'll come to this with me. It will be nice to show him that I am a part of something bigger and better than just slow love-making with my slowcooker. Dave is the builder and doer and amazing one in our relationship. He is the Captain, the Ship, and the Sea all in one. I'm the undercurrents. The worrier warrior, the freaker-outer, the crazy one who takes Pinocchio to court.

Ok nobody is allowed to write any beautiful comments. I haven't been online much and feel wracked with guilt about it. Instead, please share one cool thing you are doing this weekend to remind yourself that you are really alive.

Because you are the boss of your own life!

I know!


  1. You are totally allowed to wear your thongs or flip flops or whatever the fuck you want to call them. EVERYONE wears them.
    I so hope you have a good time and I so wish I wasn't such a financial fuck up and could be there too. Hugs to you.

  2. Ok I'll start ..... I'm going to wait until all stinky boys in bed, make a cup of hot tea, and go outside in the moonlight to drink it. And look up at the night sky with five layers of clothes on in the FREEZING and think about how nothing really matters anyway.

  3. I get to spend the weekend in bed (husband's orders!) to give my 3 little embies every chance to grab on for dear life and stick around for a good eight plus months!

    I think that is a pretty cool! :-)

    P.S. Yes, people wear thongs here all the time! My guess is that you will be totally fine with whatever you bring to wear to BlogHer.

    My family calls flip flops "toe blades". I have no idea why. I just chalked it up to the fact that they are odd...

  4. I'm going to try and spend the entire saturday without doing any house work or putting on a single pixar dvd- instead I want to give my kiddy 100% of my attention. Next weekend he's spending his first weekend away from us at his Nanna's and I'm FREAKIN. So it's due.

  5. I love flip-flops! One of the best things about quitting my job has been that I can wear them again :). I used to own 10 or 15 pairs (all $5 or less) and I'm down to only 4 or 5 now, but going to have to build that collection back up ;).
    Hmmm, we are showing our house on Saturday morning - hopefully, selling our house will remind us that there's more to life than endless yardwork and painting. Instead of hating the trees for dumping tons and tons of leaves on us (it seems year round) and causing us more work, one day I can look up at them again and marvel in their beauty.

  6. This weekend I plan on going somewhere outside and sunny and fun with Tim and the boys. I plan on watching them run through streams of water and climb through little tunnels giggling like little maniacs the whole time. I plan on chasing them as the run in opposite directions trying to get somewhere they really don't need to be. That's living to me, right now! (and i wouldn't have it any other way)

    Flip flops, thongs, whatever you call them, they are definitely something I wear. I own two pair of shoes that aren't flip flops, but those shoes are reserved for weddings and funerals.

    You're going to have an amazing time!

  7. Um, I wear flip flops every day! Although I probably will wear sandals at BlogHuuuuuurrr because I am sick of flip flops. I never wear thongs, cause they make my butt cheeks chafe.
    I am sorry you were going through so much, I had no idea! You NEED this vacation and it is going to be faaaaaaaaaaaaaabulous!

  8. Eden you are hilarious...'out of your innocent eye'... loved it. congrats on your legal victory I hope it brings some closure on those issues.
    may I suggest not weighing yourself down with too many pairs of jeans for the trip? we are having a heat wave on the east coast and NYC gets steamy in summer anyway. have you any easy jersey dresses or skirts, to just slip on and go? and as everyone else mentioned thongs are the only shoe apparel anyone wears here in the states. I've forgotten all the other sandals I own and automatically slip into a beat up pair every day.
    so this weekend, what will I do. hopefully enjoy some quality alone time with my husband after my stepchild goes to his mum's house. and also lie about a bit and feel my baby move in my belly and daydream about meeting him soon. and enjoy some homemade sun tea and bask in the lazy heat of summer. lizardlike.
    hope to hear from you before your trip. I'm impressed and strangely proud of your accomplishments even tho I don't 'know' you. be well.

  9. Maybe in NYC, people are sporting the fancy designer shoes, but I don't think your Havianas will label you a tourist. I'm fairly certain your accent will do that. ;) Bring the smallest, lightest weight clothing you have - it's fucking HOT here in the US this summer (We're on the 11th day of 90+ degrees F in a row in the Midwest - with a heat index (i.e. unspeakably horrible humidity) today of 110). And then bring a sweater, as everyone has air conditioning and it's usually set on Meat Locker.

    For my weekend...Hmm...Girls' Night Out at the vineyard with some friends tonight, followed by 2 days worth of being annoyed by the husband, and possibly the water park/pool on Monday. Today I'm just enjoying my last solitary day in my office - annoying coworker returns next week.

    No fiery plane or helicopter crashes for you! You're going to have to stick it out here with the rest of us suckers! Congrats on the settling of the court case. It must be quite a relief (although I'm sure there are plenty of residual hard feelings to be dealt with - there always are when court is involved). I love that you had Pinocchio in your purse - that's awesome.

  10. I'd rather tell my boys to watch a movie with me and spend their weekend with their grandpa.Anyway thank you for sharing your ideas.I'm looking forward for more blog post.

  11. I bought the Big Guy a flying lesson for his 40th birthday and on Sunday we will all traipse along to the little airport and watch him take off into the wild blue yonder to experience flying-awe.

  12. I live a mere 60 miles or so away from Manhattan, and I can tell you that A)Americans DO where thongs (flip flops) and B)flips flops were called thongs on the East Coast before the scary underwear came along (or rather the scary underwear used to be called g-strings and then suddenly confiscated "thong" at some point in the late '90s).

    It's gonna be hot here, but I'm sure you'll love it anyway. I'm venturing to the city myself the week after you'll be there to see "Wicked". Woot. Have a wonderful time here in the states, girl. Make sure to wear your bag NY style (seriously, do so). That means pulling the strap over your head and wearing your purse like a messenger bag. It's harder for people to mug you that way.

    I am in no way trying to scare you! Just better safe than without wallet:)

  13. I will spend the weekend pissed because I can't come to NYC. How's that for a fun time?

    And....Alica is right. Thongs are the things that go on your feet with that annoying little thing stuck between your toes. If you have an annoying little thing stuck between your butt cheeks...those are not thongs...those are g-strings. Nobody can just decide to change what something is called, just because they feel like it...especially without clearing it with me first.

    Having been to NYC numerous times, trust me, you can wear anything and everything and nobody gives a shit. It's NYC. I will go one further on Alicia's comment. Carry a purse with hardly anything in it. If someone swipes it, no problem. (Lock your passport up in the safe at the hotel). Stick about 50 bucks in your right pocket and about 50 bucks in your left. If someone wants all your money, pull out the one pocket. It is also useful to show the little Asian ladies on Canal street that "see..I REALLY don't have any more, so you need to sell me that bag for what I have in my hand".

    Seriously though...I have ridden the subway alone all over the place and never ever felt scared or like I was in danger of being mugged. You just shoot them the red-headed glare and they won't mess with you :)

    Did I mention that I am spending the weekend pissed because I can't go? Hell, I might just buy a ticket and come anyway.

  14. I am spending the weekend with my son and wife. Doesn't get much better than that.

    Also, you can totally wear thongs. Check out Old Navy while you're in NYC, they sell them for $1 a pair. I'd venture to say that they're quite popular :)

  15. I'll be spending the weekend supporting my kids at soccer, then off to a few birthday parties. We have a visitor from Tassie staying and after seeing him pissed last night I'll be doubly celebrating my 9 weeks sober with a no alcohol ginger beer. (Nothing like a pissed bloke to make you appreciate sobriety)

  16. Well, I am going to say congrats! yay you.

    Then I will tell you I am going shopping tomorrow with a friends. Because I need to be able to wear something other then yoga pants and stained t-shirts to BlogHer.

  17. I HATED flip flops until i moved out here to israel. everyone wears them here!
    I am doing NOTHING for me or cool this weekend. nada. maybe just catching up on a tv show or two once the ladies are asleep. that is the most fun i get these days being a stahm- how the hell do you do it?
    fyi you and my husband better call me when you are all together having a sandwich. i better get that damn call.

  18. I love wearing thongs, It made me comfortable than panties :P. Well, when I'm free I want to enjoy my time with my baby..I am always busy at work so I need to give him my extra time :)

  19. Last week I felt alive when we were hiking...really I felt like I was dying because my heart was beating so hard but there was some will and determination in that. A stubbornness to make it up that little mountain I haven't had in a super long long time. I actually paused, not just to catch my breath, but to look at where I was going and where I was standing. I spend too much time with my head down.
    Yesterday I jumped up and down in the yard when 5 navy jets flew over my house in formation. Low enough that when they turned sideways you could see through the cockpit window and know that some one was in there. There may or may not have been some giddy dorky clapping that went along with the jumping as my house rattled.
    I never wore a pair of flip flops until I went through IVF. It was dead of summer and my feet were swollen and I learned to be less annoyed by the thing between my toes. The other thongs I never wear. I don't like wedgies. : )
    I hope your trip is fantastic!!!

  20. TOTALLY going to be wearing flip flops. And? I also have giant feet. So if I am not wearing plaid docs I'll be your flip flop buddy.

    (Can't wait to meet you!)

  21. Congratulations I hope you have a wonderful time, and take pictures for us to see :)


Write to be understood, speak to be heard. - Lawrence Powell

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...