When I was all messed up
And I had opera in my head
Your love was a light bulb
Hanging over my bed
- U2 "Ultraviolet"
I do have one or two "good" habits. I always light a candle when I wake up in the mornings. Among all the crumbs from dinner from the night before; the overflowing sink; Rocco destroying something; Tim and Dave getting ready for work and Max putting his school face on .... the candle is burning.
I light the candle with purpose in my heart, sending out a signal to the Universe, inviting Spirit into the room with us.
Does that sound wanky? Probably. But if I don't live with some kind of acknowledgement that I am not controlling my life, that there are forces unseen that want the best for me and my family - well, I don't travel too good.
Whenever I walk past the candle, it centres me. Especially when I forget it's there, so that when I see it I get reminded all over again.
The past few weeks have been pretty rough, but it's ok. Rocco turned two and I freaked out. Tim and Max leaving their stuff all around the house that I just cried in frustration at them.
The work I do at home is not financially valued - if I had a dollar every time I picked something up, I could buy a LOT of the candles I need to keep reminding myself to stop sweating the small stuff. I'm not in control. Get out of my own way. Just do what's in front of me.
Even last week, when Dave had such bad stomach pains he was up all night. I don't care what he says, I'm coming with him to his next oncology appointment. Rocco can come too. Tear the place apart, make the other patients laugh. No matter how many times we go into that cancer clinic, I never ever feel like we belong there.
The truth is, nobody belongs there.
This morning I realised that I am so pre-menstrual, it's a wonder anybody in this house is still alive. The sound of the boys all chewing their food at the same time made me want to punch them.
But I didn't! I am *so* Spiritual!
I think finally, finally I am learning what makes me tick. When I get old and on my deathbed, I'll have a Eureka! moment and understand how to live my life.
And then I'll die.
Next life I'd like to come back as someone more ... together. Because I have no clue what that feels like. But I know what watching your boys eat leftovers in front of the fire feels like:
The bunny fingers, the Scooby shirt ... I love these pics.
(Even with the stupid clothes hangers that will remain there for the whole of winter.)
(If we make it through winter.)
(Because a helicopter may come crashing through that window at ANY TIME.)