Monday, 24 May 2010


When I was all messed up
And I had opera in my head
Your love was a light bulb
Hanging over my bed

- U2 "Ultraviolet"

I do have one or two "good" habits. I always light a candle when I wake up in the mornings. Among all the crumbs from dinner from the night before; the overflowing sink; Rocco destroying something; Tim and Dave getting ready for work and Max putting his school face on .... the candle is burning.

I light the candle with purpose in my heart, sending out a signal to the Universe, inviting Spirit into the room with us.

Does that sound wanky? Probably. But if I don't live with some kind of acknowledgement that I am not controlling my life, that there are forces unseen that want the best for me and my family - well, I don't travel too good.

Whenever I walk past the candle, it centres me. Especially when I forget it's there, so that when I see it I get reminded all over again.

The past few weeks have been pretty rough, but it's ok. Rocco turned two and I freaked out. Tim and Max leaving their stuff all around the house that I just cried in frustration at them.

The work I do at home is not financially valued - if I had a dollar every time I picked something up, I could buy a LOT of the candles I need to keep reminding myself to stop sweating the small stuff. I'm not in control. Get out of my own way. Just do what's in front of me.

Even last week, when Dave had such bad stomach pains he was up all night. I don't care what he says, I'm coming with him to his next oncology appointment. Rocco can come too. Tear the place apart, make the other patients laugh. No matter how many times we go into that cancer clinic, I never ever feel like we belong there.

The truth is, nobody belongs there.


This morning I realised that I am so pre-menstrual, it's a wonder anybody in this house is still alive. The sound of the boys all chewing their food at the same time made me want to punch them.

But I didn't! I am *so* Spiritual!

I think finally, finally I am learning what makes me tick. When I get old and on my deathbed, I'll have a Eureka! moment and understand how to live my life.

And then I'll die.


Next life I'd like to come back as someone more ... together. Because I have no clue what that feels like. But I know what watching your boys eat leftovers in front of the fire feels like:

The bunny fingers, the Scooby shirt ... I love these pics.

(Even with the stupid clothes hangers that will remain there for the whole of winter.)

(If we make it through winter.)

(Because a helicopter may come crashing through that window at ANY TIME.)


  1. Oh that is so good I MUST do that. I used to light candles almost everyday for others and I have not been doing it since we moved. I must mist use that technique for myself right now, for my own intention. Thank you thank you!!!

    I will also be lighting a candle for Dave and you and the kids. When is the appointment? That must suck and terrify you.

    You are so beautiful and awesome just as you are. A perfect flawed gorgeous soul who rocks my world all the time luv.

  2. I'm totally stealing your candle idea. I could use a little more intention around here.

    The unpaid work thing is rough, dude. I'm really working with resentment about it all these days. And um, I have plenty to work with. Yikes.

    Holding you all in my heart and hoping Dave's tummy pains were just a big nasty poo or something.

    I think of you all the fucking time, dude. Truly. And I keep telling Rocco's Bart Simpson story over and over. Damn, he's awesome.

  3. I think I let the way other people place value on my "oh, you don't work" situation dictate how I value it. Fuckers. It's not all kisses and hugs and bon bons. I wish there were bon bons.

    I'd light the candle for 3 maybe 4 days then I look at it as I passed it and think "I should light that candle" and keep walking. I use donuts to center me...or make my center larger...what? I'm a little envious that you stay true to it but I'm glad you've got it.

    Good luck at the next appt, I hope it's just gas.

    They look pretty happy about the left overs in front of the fire with the clothes hanger backdrop.

    I hope the helicopters pick a different flight plan.

  4. I love reading your posts.

    I just wanted to give you a hug.

  5. I switched from candles to soy beads..French Vanilla to be exact.

    They are going all day long....though not so much to center me, but to hide the smell of stinky boy shoes.

  6. I was just thinking today about how I haven't posted about the rough stuff in my head -- the feeling low and like the house is out of control and that I should be featured on the show they have here all about 'hoarders' -- which piles of things all over -- the opposite of rose-colored glasses, yet again -- I find such solace in your posts --

    To say that I am thinking of you is an understatement -- I will be thinking of all of you every day -- perhaps even light a candle (though there is the possibility that I would forget about it and somehow end up burning the house down.)

    I love you!




  7. the sound of people eating? 'bowl noises'? just drives me up the freaking wall. i cannot sit at the table without either the telly on or music, because i would go insane listening to the chomping/slurping/loud swallowing/burping....grrrrr. and normally i'm a very patient person. but bowl noises! yuck!

  8. That is so very cool with the candle. It's not something I'd ever thought of but such a good idea. I may have to do that on my days off.
    Love that statement that them chewing made you want to punch them. Some days everything and nothing is so annoying.
    I hope the oncology appointment goes well and that the pains were nothing. Hugs to you.

  9. I love the idea of a candle. I burn them in the evenings sometimes and it's just so nice. Even better - a bath with a candle or two burning. Wish my bath was bigger and deeper though.

    When is Dave's appointment? I just feel everything is going to be ok. And you are right - no one belongs in that clinic - so tear the place up and have some fun.

    As for unpaid work - I understand completely, though I do have a hubby who does SO much. I'm starting to find my balance now between what I do at work and what I do at home. It doesn't always work but I feel calmer. And from next week I am back in the office for 2 days a week. I'm going to miss Grace so much.

    You're right and we hear it all the time - don't sweat the small stuff. But it's the small stuff that really is sooooo bloody annoying!

    Luv u. Catch ya on FB sometime - we must have a Scrabble rematch xx

  10. I like the idea of a candle. I must do that. Although I would forget and go to work and the flat would burn down (although that would not be such a bad thing, we would get to move and me and the flat are not buddies).

    Yes I also think that Eureka moment comes before you die. I guess life would be boring if it came earlier, but sometimes a little of the good boring would be nice.

    Hoping the stomach pains are stress. Hoping strongly they are nothing.


Write to be understood, speak to be heard. - Lawrence Powell

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