Last night, after a long day of hovering on the edge of anxiety attacks, I held Rocco close to me before I put him in his cot. He snuggled up, pressed himself closely to my body. I asked him:
"Rocco ..... are you a baby, or a big boy?"
It was his last day of being one. He looked straight up at me, paused for a second, then answered:
And went back to his cuddle.
(Swear to God that is exactly what happened. I was shaking with laughter).
Last night I was icing his cake, wrapping his presents .... so grateful and amazed that we have all made it through. Together.
Two years, man. A lot can happen, in two years. Rocco has had a gazillion presents and ran around and had a mini-party at his daycare. A bath with dad, his favourite meal for dinner (beef stroganoff) .... and extra dessert afterwards. He has four pairs of new shoes, remote control car, a Buzz Likeyou, and his most favourite present of all ..... a garbage truck. With a realistic BEEP BEEP that sounds when the bin is being lifted up.
And throughout it all I went inside myself, today. Annoyed the crap out of myself in fact.
Rocco said his first sentence: "I see you, daddy" ... at the dinner table. I nearly burst into tears.
My tearaway, my dictator. My patience-teacher.
I'm still learning all the gifts he gave me, this strong, stubborn, tough, eccentric, beautiful and brash little boy.
Two years ago I was shaking really badly from the shock of the pain of the c-section .... they hadn't given me enough painkillers afterwards and I was too embarrassed to ask for more. Until this one kick-arse nurse came on duty and demanded heavy drugs for me pronto. Two days later she took Rocco for me in the middle of the night. I bayed at the moon like a wolf, in that hospital bed. Thinking of Dave in his hospital bed, wondering if I would ever see him again.
But I did and we're here and it's cool.
Rocco sweet I'm sorry that your arrival into this world was clouded with such heaviness. Don't take it personally, mate. It had nothing to do with you. It's important for you to know, that some things in life have no ryhme or reason. At all.
In fact, I believe that you are the one who saved us all.