Monday, 5 April 2010

Anatomy of an Easter

For the third son in a row, Dave did the usual "cut off their curls with a carving knife/have you ever seen such a big boy in your life?"

I can't upload photos right now ... but my GOD. Bye bye, baby Rocco.


I'm at my MILs house. We are totally BFFs forever. Which means I am allowed to hang shit on her partner. Who smells like wee, is the boss of the remote, and annoys the shit out of everyone. But he loves Rocco and Rocco loves him, so I let it all slide. My boys will never know either of their real grandfathers. Once I told Dave that my grandfather used to take me and my sisters out all the time for chocolate paddle pops. He then told me that his grandfather used to take him and his brothers out for chocolate paddle pops. Amazing.


Dave really hurt my feelings, pretty much all weekend. Sometimes I'm so soft I can't stand myself. So .... female. We sat on the grass today watching Rocco and Max on the jumping castle and I was crying underneath my big sunnies, telling Dave that I'm sick of always telling him to be present. That I get so lonely sometimes and he's right next to me but so far away. That his harsh words hurt. That he shouldn't have seen The Blind Side without me because I was saving it to watch with him. And why doesn't he put more effort into our relationship? I cringed when I said the word "relationship" ..... like a stupid, needy female. In a world of men.


I'm blessed to be living in a world of men. Like, my present family of male energy is making up for all the male energy that was lacking in my early years.


Later I saw Dave play with Rocco in the water. For so long. Dave kept looking up at me to see if I was watching. I was. I always am, I always soften when I see him playing properly with the boys and he knows it. I cried more underneath my big sunnies. Maybe I just needed a big cry. Poor Dave.


My MIL gave me a kiss. She has never, EVER initiated a kiss. I was so touched. She is not big on demonstrating her affection. I think she has been stifled her whole life, not knowing who she really is inside. I tell her that my favourite photo of her is when she was in Prague in the late seventies and she had on a big fur coat and oversized sunglasses. She looked so damn cool.

Daves mother had four children - one daughter and three sons. Her daughter was her firstborn, she died at 12 weeks of age.

The first I knew of it was when I had a C-section with Max, eight years ago. She showed me her C-section scar, I said, "Ohhhhh, which boy did you have that with?" She stood and stared at me, perplexed.

"Look, it was a terrible business and I don't want to talk about it!"

I learned later that her daughter's name was Elizabeth. I cannot imagine the pain she has carried around in her heart, for all these years.


I saw both of Dave's daughters yesterday, for the first time in two years. The hardest thing about being a step-parent is that you have entered a family that is broken. It's tricky. I think they are always expecting me to try and slip them a poison apple ..... but I would never do that. I would much rather be Ashton Kutcher.


I'm in a sugar haze. It's dreadful. Thank goodness Easter is over. I never want to see another creme egg for as long as I live. Or at least a year. Dave has taken Max and Tim to see Clash of the Titans, I am trying SO HARD to not eat his Lindt bunny.

I just don't think I can do it.

Sometimes, giving in feels SO GOOD.

Heeeeeeere, bunny bunny. Eden wants to show you something ....


  1. Bunny survived. Dave got home in the nick of time. So I coughed on Tims Cadbury chick until he gave it to me. I'm terrible, Muriel.

  2. What an awesome woman you are for the relationship you've built with your MIL, but if you need more girl energy get your arse over here girl!

  3. hahaha that is hilarious, even though my man did buy me that lindt bunny I totally stalked my stepson's Easter stash. It felt great to shove some ill gotten jelly beans in my mouth and run!! just because I wanted to....
    I didn't know Dave also had two daughters, seems that you don't see them often. older, younger?
    virtual hug for your sad day; I can so identify with that beastly manliness that hurts so much. I actually call him beastly sometimes when he's just so not getting it. he's a leo too so he roars loudly, but most times he's just a big loving kitty. but boy can he reduce me to a weepy mess, which pisses me off so much because I was never so female prior to him. a ballbuster aries is more like it. perhaps I'm getting my due. now we are literally the lion and the lamb. but I love the Louie story, those are the lovely things he does for you. and I know they are hard to fathom sometimes but he would be so so lost without you.
    happy belated easter.

  4. That is a good Easter. Some chocolate and tears. Holidays usually make me cry for the way I wish it was and sometimes the way it is.

    Love your comment. It made me laugh.

  5. My husbands grandma lost 3 children at birth before they knew about RH factor. She also lost a brother who's disability and, in a way, caused her to lose her mom as well. When she's crabby and judge-y, which she often is, I let it slide. But then, I've skipped out on her wrath and the others point that out often.
    My husband brought Lindt bunnies back from Switzerland only to discover they sell them at our local grocery store and then to forget them in the baskets. Fantastic.
    Was he always "like that" Eden or has it changed since cancer? My BFF's husband survived hodgkin's lymphoma. She's said it sometimes feels like all the chemo and stem cell treatments, and feeling all that emotion of being at death's door when you should be rolling around with your babies and be at the peak of your life made him emotionless and reluctant to completely plug in. We've discussed whether it's really emotionless or whether after feeling such intense emotions the everyday stuff pales in comparison. Anyway, that's my Dr Phil moment of the day. I should have just written my own blog post and directed you to it.


    It was supposed to be for "G" and me but I ate it myself and he was climbing down from the ladder taking christmas lights off the house (um, yeah) and I fessed up and he said "where's that little voice in your head that tells you to stop" when he found out I had eaten his half of the bunny and I just said ''The little voice is saying eat it eat it eat it."

    I love this post in so many ways -- you are such a beautiful writer and capture your family in all its bittersweet moments so perfectly. I want to comment more but baby is napping and the boys are playing and who has to clean up the house?


    But I kept getting distracted by the chocolate eggs.



  7. Dude, as the Easter Bunny of the house, I just make sure to buy what I want and hide it for myself. Then I need not steal anyone else's stash of candy. And yet, I still do it. Sigh...nothing like the whole creation of a Religion, promise of eternal life, and all that holy stuff to turn people into evil little thieves! :) Happy Easter!

    Your weekend was much more fraught than mine - our only trauma was the 2 hour tantrum thrown by my 3 year old. Hope you've recovered.

  8. Life as a sausage is so much easier. (I say this as I weep)(Oh! Not from YOU, just because today has been fuck-awful and I'm only now recovering)(and by "recovering" I mean "crying like a puss-bag")

  9. "I'm blessed to be living in a world of men. Like, my present family of male energy is making up for all the male energy that was lacking in my early years."

    Eden, I could have written that. My boys have taught me so much about men. I "get" them now.

    But, if they touch my chocolate, they are dead meat.

  10. Being present is hard, but really rewarding. I struggled with that over the long weekend. And the result was that I was pissy and cranky and impatient with the kids and my special lady friend.


Write to be understood, speak to be heard. - Lawrence Powell

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