"I'm not the only one,
Staring at the sun.
Afraid of what you'd find
If you took a look inside
I'm not just deaf and dumb
Staring at the sun
Not the only one
Who's happy to go blind."
- U2, Staring at the Sun
I was asked how was the weedkiller going? And did I ever find a good therapist?
Good, and no.
But I need to stop putting it off. I rang two more therapists at the end of last year, neither could fit me in. So I put it off until this year, and now it's almost Easter. The weedkiller I am on has most definitely made a difference ... to my moods, and especially my anxiety. I can seem to take a step back, look at everything that went on the past few years, and get a bit of a grip on it. Instead of running around like Chicken Little, wailing about the sky falling.
The sky will fall again, one day. It falls for everyone. Life happens - the good and the bad. I'm in a holding pattern right now. I need to see a therapist so I can get some shit out. I don't like feeling dependant on medication to manage. I don't like the thought of taking a magic pill for the rest of my life. I feel like I'm cheating. But fuck me if I'm not *terrified* at the thought of stopping them. No bloody way.
So, here I am. Plodding on regardless. Supporting Dave through one of the hardest times in years. We are under a lot of pressure and bullshit financially - we'll be ok, but the gall of some people in this world is truly amazing. I leave Dave notes every night, for him to wake up to, to remember his Spirit first thing in the morning. I try to help guide Tim through his latest emotional minefields, regarding members of the opposite sex. I take Max to swimming lessons and hip hop class, and I marvel at him. This precious boy who grew up so quickly while I wasn't looking. I watch Rocco eat his first Easter egg, his eyes light up in amazement at such a delicious treat. "CHOCLIT BALL!"
And I try to keep my shit together. If I focus on others, I don't crumple to the floor in a self-obsessed wailing mess. Which is really conducive to a stable home life.
And it really helps when I find God in the strangest of places .... like a junkyard in the middle of Sydney.