Monday, 8 February 2010

Truth.

The magnificent thing about life is that you never know what's going to happen. The terrifying thing about life is that you never know what's going to happen.

Truth is, I have no idea what the hell I'm doing. Does anyone? People appear to have their shit all figured out. The world easily freaks me out. I feel flat and exposed. Mornings continue to be ridiculous. I have never been a morning person. More of a mourning person.

Max went back to school last week, after six weeks of summer holidays. He is strong and tall, thoughtful. The face of a pre-teen and the soul of a poet. Rocco went back to daycare. I put Rocco in daycare at the age of eleven months because I could not cope being his full time carer one second more. He loves daycare, loves running wild with his pack of kids. It does take a village ... even if you need to pay said village.

This morning I did a huge Pump workout, then came home to buttery salty scrambled eggs and two huge slices of chocolate cake. I have Buddha statues and Prayer Flags everywhere, but used bug spray on five hundred ants swarming on a carelessly dropped cube of watermelon. I am a mass of contradictions. My head still wants to kill me. I don't know who I am ... only that I will be the biggest enemy I will ever know. Probably why I need to Know Thyself so much.

I don't know why blogging is so important to me, but it is. I think I've been blogging my entire life. What does that even mean?

The other day in the shower I had a EUREKA moment ..... my anxiety stems from the fact that every single second of every day I have this terrible feeling that I've done something wrong. Do you ever break free of your stupid childhood? Do all the other drivers on the freeway have their shit together like I think they do, or are they struggling too?

I love my sons so much that it hurts my heart. And hearts my hurt.

I wish I knew if my dad had a middle name. I wish he knew me.

You can't plan happiness. It happens, unexpectedly, in the oddest of places. And it bubbles over in your soul. And it's real.

Life is real. Who knew?
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