I KNOW.How yummy does that look. Sometimes I'm in the middle of doing something, remember what I used to be like for almost, oh, MY ENTIRE TWENTIES ... and shake my head at the absurdly different way my life is lived now.
Once upon a time, I would keep an overflowing ashtray on my bedside table (that was actually a crate). Light up a smoke first thing in the morning, wondering how on earth was I going to get through another stupid day on the stupid planet.
Today, I cooked THE BEST LASAGNE EVER. I usually cook them well, but sometimes they are too dry. I had the brainwave of pouring some chicken stock over it after the assembly, before you put the cheese on. It tasted so beautiful. I got so excited. Dave got excited. We all did. We are big on food, in this house.
I am so different to who I was.
This was after Rocco "helped" mummy put the dishwasher on. Straight after he'd eaten a chocolate biscuit.
I'm continually blown away by the huge bond between Tim and Rocco. I am so very proud of Tim ... he has come a long way. Rocco calls him "Bim" .... and calls Max "Mak." I love the way the woman in one of my favourite paintings is on Tims shoulder. Like a guardian angel.
I'm still treading water. Dave and I both are. Truth is, we worry. About Dave's health. About what's going to happen. Some people are blatant in asking about Dave .... so, how's Dave? Is everything ok? So he's ok?? Some people look at him like he's Lazarus.
It's tricky, navigating a busy life. I keep spectacularly failing. Pffffft. If I owe you a parcel I'm sorry. If I owe you an email I'm sorry. If I owe you a comment I'm sorry. The last batch of presents I sent over to the Americaz got returned to sender ... because I hadn't signed the bloody forms properly. I am now losing sleep. It's like I create things to worry about.
I tried to socialise with some other mums the other day .... small talk makes me stabby. I want to talk about your darkest dark, and how it compares to mine. They all laughed at my wrist tattoo, thought it said "I love myself" instead of "Know Thyself." One of them said, "Hah! Imagine if it DID say I love myself - and you had all scars there from trying to cut yourself!!"
Ha indeed.
Imagine if I blurted the truth, to the room of straighty-one-eighties? Imagine if I said "Actually, it says Know Thyself because it's a continual process to know ourselves. And I feel like if I don't, I'll die." And I let them all peer closer to the slash marks I made one drunken night in a locked bathroom. I didn't say that, of course. Just feigned a migraine and went home.
Man that lasagne was good.
Shit Eden...you and I could totally have the REAL conversation....say over a plate of your lasagne :)
ReplyDeleteIf they can't love you (including the old dark you) screw 'em.
Oh, and the photo of the boys...I noticed the "angel" before I even read what you said. Very cool indeed.
As for Dave. If he is good today, then he is good. None of us know what tomorrow will bring. None of us. So, how about we kick ass today ? :)
I'm up for real conversation (although I'm fairly shallow - don't have much in the way of dark), so when are you making lasagne next?
ReplyDeleteI love the whole body hug that youngsters give - and Tim has a look on his face that says he appreciates it too. That's pretty wonderful.
I hope Dave's health remains good for the rest of his long, long life during which he lovingly tortures you every day. I would say try not to worry, because that just saps your energy, but I know it's almost impossible.
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ReplyDeleteSorry. That's what I get for not proofing. Scary typos. Here, corrected:
ReplyDeleteI think of you every day and hope that you (and all of yours) are well. Driving last night between Tae Kwon Do and (evening 2 year old0 preschool, I heard Vida La Vida ... maybe about the time you were with those mommy-types ... and I thought of you and Tee and I felt happy ... "missionaries in a foriegn field" ... that's what we are, I thought. It's a small tribe. But tough.
Thanks for the comment love. Blog posts, comments ... if it's you, I know it will be good. :)
Oh. How I wish I could have that lasagna for lunch ... with you. !! Yum.
XXOO
I so love this line!!! ....“I tried to socialize with some other mums the other day .... small-talk makes me stabby.” I feel exactly the same way.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I seem to have a hard time making friends and often blame it on my inability to engage in proper small talk. You, on the other hand, people just absolutely adore you. I want to be more like YOU...is that wrong?
You are so lucky to have such a beautiful family and to be making lasagna instead of a pile of cigarette butts. As far as “treading water” goes, it is totally understandable that after all you two have been through, it is hard to just relax, live and feel at peace.
I, at any moment, miss the days when I was young and stupid and hopeful. I wish that I did not know how cruel and unpredictable life can be. Ignorance is bliss they say.
Then, in the next moment, I wish to God I had known more when I was younger and could have used my wisdom that I have now to do so many things differently....better.
I guess what I am saying is that wisdom is scary and empowering....but you already know that now don’t you?
Small talk makes me stabby, too. That and crowds. I just can't seem to muster up the energy or interest to talk about some stupid surface crap just to pass the time and try to fit in.
ReplyDeleteI thought I was a better cook when I drank. I also thought I was a better driver after I drank!
ReplyDeleteShows how much I knew! 4wks and 5 days!
oh Eden you are just brilliant and I adore reading what you have to say. know thyself indeed. would you like to know my favorite? well I will share regardless. "don't compromise yourself, you're all you've got. " Janis Joplin.
ReplyDeletemy alltime favorite quote and my unending mantra these days. keep writing keep telling us what's going on. no small talk here I promise.
I think you are wonderful. I'd happily compare lows with you.
ReplyDeleteLife is all about trying.
it looks so yummy! I wish we could talk some ay because I am tired of the small talks too. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteSometimes I wonder if I am really different than what I used to be. Sometimes I think that this me is just a temporary aberration, that I'm really who I was before. The drunk, the liar, the cheat, the thief and that it's all going to come crashing down around me and I'm going to go back to that hell of before.
ReplyDeleteI've been saving this post up to comment properly because I fucking LOVE it so much, and then today I finally got around to writing on my own blog and I remembered this post and it helped me get out of my neurotic mind-circles by showing me I'm not alone and I'm so damn glad for that. I'm not alone and neither are you, and I'm glad my twenties are over, too, and all I want to eat is lasagna, now. Also, I adore you. And if I sound slightly crazy it's because I am stuck inside for the third day in a row due to a major dump of snow, and walking in circles around the main floor is getting a wee bit tiresome.
ReplyDeleteMate, you've got comments off on all the posts north of this one. I hope everything is okay your end of aus.
ReplyDeleteEither that or I am being particularly dumb and haven't spotted the comments box,
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