Monday, 28 December 2009

Punching Sandcrabs, and Other Christmas Tales

I am alive!

We have been at my MILs since Christmas Eve ... and nobody has killed anyone yet. It's a fricken miracle. I have *finally* realised the trick of surviving in this house ... expect a terrible time. Expect a really shit, annoying, terrible time, and anything better than that is a bonus. We are all going really well. Which has been kind of disconcerting to me. I am not used to it. We opened presents and then took the boys to the beach on Christmas morning - nobody else was there. We had it all to ourselves.

This is the sandcrab that Dave caught, I managed to snap a photo before Rocco came over and punched it, then stomped on it. It survived and ran onto my leg and I screamed - crabs are WAY too similar to spiders for my liking.

Max pretending to be sad. But he's not - he's staying up late every night, eating too much chocolate, and counting down the days until we drive further north to a cabin. (Nothing fancy, it's in a caravan park. I have packed my Bingo markers ..... I am ADDICTED to Bingo when we come up here.)

Oh Rocco. He is the boss of us all. Dave keeps telling me that he was this blonde when he was Rocco's age, which is a crock of shit. He has this habit of making up his own reality and believing it, therefore it is my mission to set him straight on things. So I innocently asked my MIL what colour hair Dave had when he was small. "Brown." HA. I ran into the loungeroom. "IN YOUR FACE. YOU HAD BROWN HAIR I ASKED YOUR MUM." I didn't realise she was right behind me .... she will always, always take Dave's side in anything. "Oh, actually, he did have some blonde. Yes. Yes it was blonde." Dave was smirking, I wrinkled my nose in disdain, mouthing "BROWN!" .. to him as I walked off.

Here he is frowning at the beach on Christmas Day. See that ridiculous tattoo on his arm? It's a lion. SO DUMB. It appears to be jumping out of a hole in his skin. At least once a month for almost ten years now, I have turned to him and feigned surprise and said "Ohhhhhh, wow! It looks like that lion is jumping out of your arm! WOW."

I can't imagine why he thinks I'm annoying.

Here is my Widdle Timmy. He now gets so irritated at me taking photos of myself in stupid poses that he's started doing it on my camera to get me back.

Have I not taught him The Ways of the Wanker? I'm so proud.


I was telling my sister what a great time I'm having. My sisters always laugh at me coming up here, because it is beyond dysfunctional. I'm even washing up every night -usually I just come and sit down with the guys, as my MIL has a "no men allowed in the kitchen policy."

Which just leaves, you know, ME ..... but, I thought I'd actually make the effort to get on with her this year. My goodness she has responded. I can be a real bitch, but in laying down my weapons, I'm finding she is doing the same. Who knew?

So I was raving on to my sister how great I feel, and she said wow, those happy pills do the trick eh?

And I thought oh fuck, am I actually having a good Christmas this year or is it all false? WTF? Apparently I can never go off these even keel happy pills until I'm 90. By then, I'll deserve to be a crusty, angry, viscious pyscho bitch.

I thought of last years Christmas, which included a particularly nasty argument with Dave on Christmas Eve about wrapping paper.



I pondered this strange, peaceful state this Christmas.

I was so happy in that moment I could burst. Grateful and happy and peaceful and content and full of love.

And then this morning, Dave got up and left to go to the beach AGAIN, for his "time out." And woke Rocco up AGAIN before he left so I had to get up at 6am and mind Rocco. Then Dave came back three hours later, said he was tired, and went to SLEEP.

I was beyond irritated. We had an argument, and I have had a really shitty, annoying day.

THANK GOD. I *am* still real. I am alive.

Apparently anti-anxiety medication cannot stop the fact that your husband can be a real arsehole and piss on your good mood.


Dave asked Tim a while back to find out what I wanted for Christmas. "Ok, what I *don't* want is a SAT-NAV for my car. I know I need one, but I want something for Christmas that's personal and maybe pampering. Please."

Tim mocked me, but said sure, no worries.

I carefully choose presents for all the boys - mountains of wrapped, thoughtful presents. On Christmas morning, Dave looked at Tim and Tim looked at Dave.

"Ummm, where's Edens present??" "You had it." "No I didn't, you had it."

I was annoyed, but enjoyed watching them squirm. If they didn't find it, I was going to have SO much mileage out of it. They found it, in some random bag. I opened it.

It was a SAT-NAV.


Dave had another present for me. I opened it and cried.

He had the school photo of me in Fiji blown up and framed. He said he loves it, thinks it's so exotic. And funny, that I stand out like dogs balls because I'm the only one with red hair.


Later that night, I realised why I cried - Dave is the only person who really "sees me" as a child.

I love him ..... crap lion tattoo especially.


I hope you are managing your holiday season ok. I hope nobody got a fucking SAT-NAV. (Bo-ring).

..... a lot of you are in winter, so I apologise for the beach snaps. (Such a strange concept, to have Christmas in the cold!)


  1. Merry Christmas Eden, glad you and the MIL have avoided murder so far.

    And...good luck at bingo, I hope you win a for-chune.

  2. so happy you posted, i've missed reading. glad you're well, you all look great. happy new year in upside down world. so jealous of the beach.

  3. Oh God, I've missed your posts. Whew. Welcome back and happy holidays!

    What do you mean by putting down your weapons? You're going to get me in trouble, make me look bad.

    You all look gorgeous and O. M. G. that blondie hair! Blinding! Spectacular!


  4. Christmas at the beach sounds spectacular! And Rocco's hair is just gorgeous :).

    Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

  5. I was reading this post on my blackberry on the subway and burst out laughing at Tim's picture- you are doing a wonderful job with him.

    As for the tattoo- my husband's friend once said he wanted the same one. We told him to not settle for anything BUT the one he wanted- in case the place didnt have it.

    The guy came back the next day with a sylvester the cat tattoo "scratching" his back. We burst out laughing thinking it was a joke... it was not.

    glad the happy pills are working! I have already tried 2 diff kinds that are not agreeing with me, so it may take me some more time.

  6. Holiday's with the extended family would be tolerable at the beach!
    Try having it inside with it freezing cold outside...there is no escape!

    Glad the happy pills are working for you.

  7. Is a Sat-Nav the same as a GPS? If so, I got one of those stupid fuckers for Christmas too. I have talked to some friends and they said it is a "guy thing".

    Oh, and Dave's mother agreeing with him....that pisses ME off :)

  8. It's just the best when you discover a way to survive the in-laws and end up enjoying it. I am going to try your method soon. Glad the happy pills are doing their trick and you are feeling so happy. Love all the photos, and Christmas on the beach is the best.

  9. Tell Dave he is talking out his arsehole. Rocco gets his blonde hair from his Aunty Window and Aunty Wee!!!

  10. I think happy pills should be mandatory for Christmas!

    Love the pictures...all of them.

    I'm so glad you're having a good time, but could you please explain to me the idea behind getting credit for buying presents? That's the second time I've heard of someone wanting to destroy the Santa myth to "get the credit" recently. That's completely foreign to me. I buy gifts because I want people to like them. I perpetuate the Santa thing to give my girl a little magic at Christmas. I am mystified. Get your credit from adults or at birthdays! But the picture was a very thoughtful gift.

  11. Sounds like you're having a really nice time! That's so great! Enjoy the beach and your great family. Even though they get on your nerves ;o)

  12. Glad you're still alive and that you've enjoyed Christmas.
    I don't even know what a SAT-NAV is so I'm pretty sure I didn't get one. And yes men can still be annoying assholes no matter what medications we take. I love the picture of Tim, that's funny. I would have screamed over the sand crab too.

  13. I didn't get a sat-nav, but I actually would have quite liked one :)


  14. Yay for happy times!!

    I played bingo with my Mum once I found it so stressful I couldn't keep up with the caller, unlike my old biddy Mum!

  15. Funny you added the bit at the end about it being odd to have Christmas in the cold because I feel the opposite. How sad to have Christmas be in summer. Ha ha, glad we all enjoy our own season. Wonderful you are having a good Christmas, and, enjoy that SAT-NAV.
    Oh, and in those photos, I think Rocco looks like you, though Max definitely looks like a younger Dave.
    I loved all the photos. Wonderful family.
    Melissa in Durham

  16. But you are the one who is odd, having Christmas during Summer and all. :-P For the record it was 70-something degrees here on Christmas (about 22 celcius maybe)...strange for me.

    Just look at the meds as helping you lay down your weapons...that's all. And you're right; husbands can be arseholes regardless of the meds we're on. Hahaha!

    Merry Christmas!

    Oh yeah, and even though I won't admit it to Tim, baby #3 probably will be a boy leaving me a lonely vagina like you. :-P

  17. I'm a moron and have no idea what the hell a SAT-NAV is.

    "Apparently anti-anxiety medication cannot stop the fact that your husband can be a real arsehole and piss on your good mood."

    Bwa-ha-ha-ha.They need to make a pill for arsehole.

  18. Glad you had such a lovely Christmas. Ahhhh....the beach on Christmas?! I'm SOOO jealous as I type with my hands which are totally chapped and crusty from the freezing gross winter here!
    That's so funny about Rocco's hair color. Animal's mom and I have a similar argument going since she insists that Xavier's hair is blonde because that's how Animal's hair was as a baby....Is that even possible for a 100% Greek child? Apparently not based on the interrogation I did of the rest of the family a month ago who confirmed that Xavier's hair must be from my Polish family- of course!

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  20. So happy to hear that you are having a great Christmas!

    I have been on anti-depression/anxiety meds for years (15+)and have still had crappy Christmases so it's not just the drugs this year. Promise!


    P.S. Love Rocco's blonde hair!

  21. So happy to hear that you are having a great Christmas!

    I have been on anti-depression/anxiety meds for years (15+)and have still had crappy Christmases so it's not just the drugs this year. Promise!


    P.S. Love Rocco's blonde hair!

  22. If I wasn't already totally in complete and utter fucking LOVE with you, this post would have done it. Glad you had such a good Christmas - sounds utterly real to me, so no worries about having lost your edge or some shit like that. All the gratitude and wankery and crab-punching and love and pissiness - perfect Christmas by the sounds of it. Mine was pretty similar minus the crab-punching.

  23. Merry Christmas, Eden. I've been MIA in blogland, and I've so missed your posts. You always make me smile.

  24. I stumbled across your blog just now and have tears in my eyes from laughing. You are awesome and I will be a regular reader here from now I promise!

    PS- my partner has a crappy lion tattoo as well. The time to start cringing is when he suggests you get a matching lioness one. Blargh

  25. Expecting the worst is my approach to pretty much any social occasion. I know it isn't a great approach but it works for me. Hope you all survived New Year's!

  26. Oh see how lovely and warm you all look! It's so windy and cold here today, feels like 20 degrees outside. I'm glad that you're enjoying the warm since I can't.

    I was a tow-head like Rocco when I was small, if you can believe it. He looks adorable! Getting so big. How is it that our children are so large now?

    And ehy, just because you are on happy pills, does not mean that your experiences aren't real. You're still you. Just happier. It's okay to feel that.

    Glad you had a better Christmas than last year, sat-nav and all. :) Love you, sista!



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