Tuesday, 1 December 2009

The Goddess is Dancing

That was the bumper sticker on the car in front of us this morning.

"The Goddess is Dancing."

I like it.

After lunch, Dave and I were talking about the next few weekends, so I pulled the calender out - and realised, that today is exactly 21 years since the suicide of my dad.

And I had forgotten about it. This, huge thing that used to rule my entire life. I only remembered it halfway through the day, and didn't even think enough to tell Dave.

It's more than half my life away, now. Twenty-one years ago since I walked my little brother into the toy shop with a wad of cash and told him he could pick anything, anything in the whole shop. And the shopkeeper scoffed and said something about "being spoiled." And I ignored him, because I was still the nice Eden back then. But how I wanted to grab that shopkeeper by the lapels and scream at him that our dad was lying in the fucking morgue. Then pound his head against the counter until blood and brain juice came streaming out.

I looked down into my brothers eyes and they were worried and hollow. Right then I realised that nothing, not any toy I bought him would make one bit of difference.

I remember when I fell pregnant with Max in 2001 .... the doctor told me the due date would be the 1st December. The date I hated most of all - but now, a baby was due to be born on that date. My baby. It was a sign, symbolising the turnaround in my life that I knew could happen if I did the right thing.

I was only 29, and had been busy raising hell. All of the people in my life - even Dave, I suspect .... thought that me becoming pregnant was the worst thing in the world. But I knew I would have the baby, and had this deep inexplicable sense that things would be ok. It was hard to articulate that to people, and they only realised the deep changes in me many months, even years, later.

Max didn't end up coming on the 1st December after all, he came the following day.

If you'll excuse me, I have a Bart Simpson birthday cake to ice.

The Goddess is Dancing.
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