That was the bumper sticker on the car in front of us this morning.
"The Goddess is Dancing."
I like it.
After lunch, Dave and I were talking about the next few weekends, so I pulled the calender out - and realised, that today is exactly 21 years since the suicide of my dad.
And I had forgotten about it. This, huge thing that used to rule my entire life. I only remembered it halfway through the day, and didn't even think enough to tell Dave.
"The Goddess is Dancing."
I like it.
After lunch, Dave and I were talking about the next few weekends, so I pulled the calender out - and realised, that today is exactly 21 years since the suicide of my dad.
And I had forgotten about it. This, huge thing that used to rule my entire life. I only remembered it halfway through the day, and didn't even think enough to tell Dave.
It's more than half my life away, now. Twenty-one years ago since I walked my little brother into the toy shop with a wad of cash and told him he could pick anything, anything in the whole shop. And the shopkeeper scoffed and said something about "being spoiled." And I ignored him, because I was still the nice Eden back then. But how I wanted to grab that shopkeeper by the lapels and scream at him that our dad was lying in the fucking morgue. Then pound his head against the counter until blood and brain juice came streaming out.
I looked down into my brothers eyes and they were worried and hollow. Right then I realised that nothing, not any toy I bought him would make one bit of difference.
I remember when I fell pregnant with Max in 2001 .... the doctor told me the due date would be the 1st December. The date I hated most of all - but now, a baby was due to be born on that date. My baby. It was a sign, symbolising the turnaround in my life that I knew could happen if I did the right thing.
I was only 29, and had been busy raising hell. All of the people in my life - even Dave, I suspect .... thought that me becoming pregnant was the worst thing in the world. But I knew I would have the baby, and had this deep inexplicable sense that things would be ok. It was hard to articulate that to people, and they only realised the deep changes in me many months, even years, later.
Max didn't end up coming on the 1st December after all, he came the following day.
If you'll excuse me, I have a Bart Simpson birthday cake to ice.
I remember when I fell pregnant with Max in 2001 .... the doctor told me the due date would be the 1st December. The date I hated most of all - but now, a baby was due to be born on that date. My baby. It was a sign, symbolising the turnaround in my life that I knew could happen if I did the right thing.
I was only 29, and had been busy raising hell. All of the people in my life - even Dave, I suspect .... thought that me becoming pregnant was the worst thing in the world. But I knew I would have the baby, and had this deep inexplicable sense that things would be ok. It was hard to articulate that to people, and they only realised the deep changes in me many months, even years, later.
Max didn't end up coming on the 1st December after all, he came the following day.
If you'll excuse me, I have a Bart Simpson birthday cake to ice.
The Goddess is Dancing.
Happy birthday Max, my little birthday buddy, and happy birthday to you Eden, great big reborn redheaded cool monsta goddess chickaboomba xxx
ReplyDeleteI am glad you got through another 1st of Dec.
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday Max! A Bart Simpson cake how cool is that, your mum rocks.
you know...i read this once and left. because i never know what to write after such raw beauty.
ReplyDeletebut i felt bad about that. i wanted to tell you something. because this post really moved me.
i guess that's it. sorry for my lack of words. ugh. but well done on this...
Eden...we have yet another weird cosmic connection.
ReplyDeleteOn 12-1-1988 I became a mother. Yes, he was born in November, but he was placed in my arms for the first time on 12-1-1988.
Strange. Life.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAX!!!! What a blessing you are, little man!
ReplyDeleteDid you take that picture Eden? I adore it - it really looks like a dancing woman....I would love a print....amazing!
XOXOXO
My friend committed suicide this summer. When I look at his kids I wonder how they will process this as they get older. Will it squeeze them until they can no longer breathe?
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you can breathe again.
Happy birthday Max! And I agree, that photo is cool!
Happy Birthday, Max!
ReplyDeleteEden, I'm glad you were given such a wonderful gift to redeem this time of the year. And I'm glad the grief has ceased to be overwhelming. Beautiful post.
Is it really Max's birthday again? My how the time seems to just fly by.
ReplyDeleteDear Max,
You don't know this but my son Nick loves it when your mom puts a video on with you in it. He thinks you talk kind of cool!
So Happy Birthday Max!
I hope you have a wonderful day tomorrow!
Happy Bart Day Max!
ReplyDeleteThose anniversaries just suck is all.
Love that photo too. Where's it from?
Happy Birthday, Max. That's Benner's middle name and what a cool name it is.
ReplyDeletexoxo
My son J would love a Bart Simpson cake. I am such a terrible mother that I allow my son to watch the Simpsons, and he lights up light a candle when the music starts. The first time he ever noticed the TV, he was 7 months old and laughed at Homer.
ReplyDeleteSo glad after all these years your father's actions have ceased to hold so much power over you.
Happy birthday to your Max
ReplyDeleteLove that picture.
g
love you- and happy birthday Maxy boy- you have an amazin gmother, but I suspect you already know that.
ReplyDeleteThis is such a great post! I am glad you are dancing.
ReplyDeleteThey always say that time heals all wounds. I always say it doesn’t heal them, but they do get easier to live with when there is distance and time.
Your toy store story is a perfect example of why you should not judge others. You just never know the REAL story.
And, as far as you having Max, and just knowing it would be OK. I felt that way with Allia…..I just knew it was meant to be and I should follow that road and it would be OK.
Love you Eden!!
Happy Birthday Max!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful picture.
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday Max.
Hoping that all the good stuff continues to outweigh the bad on this day.
You had me feeling sad and then laughing. I hope both days passed by with some of your own laughter.
ReplyDeleteintense story
ReplyDeleteSorry I missed Max's birthday. Yay! Happy birthday Mr Max. :)
ReplyDeleteAnd what a cool tree. Did you find that or is that a picture from the internet somewhere? It's amazing.
I want to stomp on that shopkeeper too.
I know the mail takes like FOREVER to get to you from here, but keep your eyes out for something from the states. ~wink~ (yeah, i can never keep secrets!)
Well done for coming this far, and for getting to a point where you go half a day without thinking about something that used to be so much bigger in your life. Hope the Bart Simpson cake was a smash hit and good on you for going ahead with Max because of what you felt inside.
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