Thursday, 22 October 2009

Scar Tissue

I got a new tattoo last night. Just like that. Drove down with Dave, picked the font I wanted, and had a sharp needle slice my skin and fill it with black ink. I knew I had to do something drastic, had to mark this weeks Neun. Chase away all of the dark that has been calling me lately ... with a pain of MY choosing. So I did.

It hurt like a bitch. Sweet sweet pain that I strangely got off on. Tough and raw and hardcore. "See!" I said to Dave. "We still got it! We're not boring!" He laughed. Then asked me again why I chose to get "Know Thyself." He didn't understand, thought it was pretty stupid. When I was telling the tattooist where to stick the stencil, I moved it from his symmetrical position, and stuck it on my wrist, at an angle. He and Dave stared. I wanted to cover the stupid scars that were there, from that terrible night in my early twenties. Everyone tries to kill themselves and then go to work the next day like nothing happened, surely?

"Umm, I want to cover the scars." Nobody said anything and my face went hot. Then he started it. Halfway through the K, I realised this was REALLY going to hurt, wondered if I could just get KNOW done. Dave kept making small talk with the guy. I didn't want him too, wanted him to just concentrate. At one point, Dave goes, "So, can you push the needle in so far that it bursts a vein?" I turned my neck angrily, said maybe he could ask that question AFTER my tattoo is done, yeah? He didn't get it. Yabbering away, he wants this sleeve and that ... at one point, he engaged the guy in such a way that he stopped tattooing me for a while. I just wanted it to be over. He had done KNOW THYS.

I almost shouted "HON. For fucks sake, let him do the ELF. LET HIM DO THE FUCKING ELF."

We then went out to dinner, and actually talked to each other. About things, and where we are going and where we have been. He told me he thinks my new tatt is amazing, and he really understands it now. On the drive home, we listened to Chilli Peppers sing Scar Tissue, and it was so fucking appropriate on so many levels that I almost cried. But Dave kept talking so I couldn't dive into the moment properly and I laughed and told him I loved him so much right now. I really do.

I love it. It's perfect. I was telling my brother about it, and he asked me if I 'd got the idea from the Matrix - the Oracle has it above her door, which I'd forgotten all about.

This is why I had it done .. feels like I need huge reminding of it, lately. That, and I like the symbolism of those two words covering my scar.

"The saying "Know thyself" may refer by extension to the ideal of understanding human behavior, morals, and thought, because ultimately to understand oneself is to understand other humans as well. However, the ancient Greek philosophers thought that no man can ever comprehend the human spirit and thought thoroughly, so it would have been almost inconceivable to know oneself fully. Therefore, the saying may refer to a less ambitious ideal, such as knowing one's own habits, morals, temperament, ability to control anger, and other aspects of human behavior that we struggle with on a daily basis. To truly 'know oneself' in this sense involves a deeply personal, spiritual transformation whereby a person would seek to orient themselves towards understanding their own phenomenological perceptions of reality, so as to gain earnest insight into aspects of one's own existence."

This last photo is symbolic of the fact that I am the biggest wanker ever.

I take so many photos of myself in stupid poses, it drives Tim and Dave NUTS. The camera is full of them. I do it in front of them, act all ghetto and pouty. Why? WHY? They scream at me.

"Because nobody ever takes photos of me, so I have to take them myself." They groaned. "Actually, you're going to have to use one of these self-snapped photos at my funeral."

Dave told me he will get a really wanky one enlarged, prop it up on my coffin for people to cry over.

That man is so thoughtful.


  1. I had to come back to tell you that Scar Tissue has been in my head since I read this post! :-)

  2. You are so hard core to my soft cockness it's hilarious. Happy Neun bro-sis xoxox

  3. Fully sick! how sweet it is to say you know yourself clean hon, with all the highs and lows and ouches that involves.

    Of course you wear the word 'Legend' on your forehead. It's just in invisible ink.


  4. I often wish to do something to prove to myself that I am not boring. But I have a low pain threshold, so for the most part have resigned myself to being boring. Sigh.

    Well done. The tattoo looks fantastic.

  5. Your post brought tears and laughter! I wouldn't have a tattoo myself but I can admire others and I think yours is great and I love the meaning.

  6. I love everything about it...and..I am so bloody jealous you got a tattoo!
    Congrats on the Neun, you are a legend.

  7. Ok. I can confess here. I really want to get a tattoo. My family thinks I am on a CRAZY train.

    I am a past-middle-aged, middle class, working mother (is there any other kind?) and would love to get one...but I am a chicken.

    I almost called about getting a "toe-ring" tat, but when doing research, I read they tend to blur and look like your Bic pen dripped on your foot.

  8. Ouch! This is yet another reason why I could not get a tattoo (aside from, they hurt, and I don't want one) - if someone was talking to the guy sticking a tiny needle in my arm, I would just start screaming "Will you please shut up so he can FOCUS?!?!?"

    Looks cool though - good way to mark a milestone, and a good journey (knowing thyself) to undertake.

  9. New ink is good for the soul. The pain of inking over scar tissue is intense but worth it, especially in this case. I have a tat on my wrist too, Hon. Some of us HAVE tried to off ourselves and then go to work (or wherever) the next day like nothing happened. Time and life move on, and you just go with it.

  10. Fucking awesome!


  11. Scar tissue is the reason I am Infertile. thought you should know.

    Love that you just got up and said "I want a tattoo today"- I did that when I was 19, when I was fearless. Today, I am no longer that fearless little girl. I wish I were.

    Love you


    It was running through my head the minute I read the title in my reader, before I clicked through.

    Wow, just wow. And I mean it in a very good way, of course. Once again, couldn't possibly add a thing. Except to say, I think I have write down Tee's remark so I remember to use it about myself. Too perfect. !!



    D was here.

    PS. This reminds me that I have something for you. Send me your address ... hope to get there by Xmas. LOL. ;)

  13. YOU BADASS!! I love it. I love how you put it at an angle. I love that you were brave enough to put it in BOLD PLACE (all mine are so hidden). It is gorgeous. Congrats! Oh man, now I really want another tattoo!!!!!!!!! Will you come with me and get one in NYC?

  14. That is a fantastically awesome tattoo! I love the symbolism.

    I've always wanted a tattoo, but am scared of committing to one thing and then not liking it later. Maybe one day :).

  15. Love your tat! It's perfect and the meaning is perfect, as well. Just like you!

  16. I am not a big fan of tattoos; especially when there is no “reason” behind it. Like the girl that gets Mini Mouse on her leg just because she just "wants a tattoo".
    Now, I do have one of my own, it is symbolic, much like yours. Mine represents my grandson who died. I think to permanently ink yourself to commemorate someone or mark a milestone in your life is pretty cool.
    I really like it your KNOW THYSELF.

    PS - love your blog so much

  17. I don't have a tatt, but reading this post and feeling solidarity with you and your chosen phrase -- for the first time I'm actually considering it.

    You are so cool.

  18. I love your tattoo...and even more what it represents. You are so awesome Eden.

  19. Oh my god. That is so you. And so awesome.

    I feel like such a wuss. I don't even have pierced ears. And maybe deep down I think a tat would be cool - on my belly to cover some of the surgery scars? But I am too light weight and wussy.

    And I LOVE that you and Dave had a night out and talked and all. You guys needed that huh?


  20. Eden I have been reading you for awhile.You are a very strong human being.You touch my soul in so many ways so close to home even tho we are half a world apart.I love your tat!! Your struggles are very real to me.Every day I come in here and read and weep.Your post pushes me to be who I am today.Thank you!!!
    Btw love the black nails :)

  21. You're awesome! I got a tattoo on the bottom of my back when I was in college to remind me forever of the passion I had for life then. There's nothing better to commemorate forever an important phase of your life, I think! It hurt almost as badly as childbirth, but hey, I don't regret it. Way to go, hardcore friend!

  22. I love it; I love that you put a new scar over the old. A new life over the old. You really do know yourself now and anything that remains hidden, you are dedicated to bringing into the light. I am so glad you didn't succeed in ending your life all those years ago. You have so much to offer the world, you are full of light even if you don't know it all the time.

    Love you so much!

  23. I love it!!!!! you are just too cool

  24. Fuck Yes.

    You rule. But you already know that.

    xo. ♥

  25. Seriously you look like you could backhand someone with that arm!
    I already said that your tat was awesome on FB....seeing the pics of you getting it done completes the awesomeness!

  26. Eden, that looks AWESOME. Seriously awesome stuff. I have two--one on each foot--and I love the inner wrist ones. I'm terrified of them (pain)(I know)(the foot ones hurt worse than childbirth), but I love them.

  27. easily the coolest tattoo I've ever seen.

  28. I've been thinking of getting a new one as well. The triangle in the circle that's emblematic of our little group. Not so little group. Maybe on my 5 year birthday.

  29. "Everyone tries to kill themselves and then go to work the next day like nothing happened, surely?"

    Loved this line. Pretty much my MO in high school. Funny thing is, no one said much about those slashes on my wrists. It still makes my BFF from high school uncomfortable to talk about.

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Write to be understood, speak to be heard. - Lawrence Powell

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