Wednesday, 2 September 2009

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn .. and a time to dance.

Most nights, I relish the time when everyone is in bed. I get the house all to myself. No phone will ring, I can make cups of tea, bring out my hidden blocks of chocolate and think, dream, cry.

Last Saturday night was hard for everybody in this house ... nobody ended up doing what they wanted. Dave wanted sexy love time, but ignored me when I put his carefully cut-out starsign from the newspaper in front of him during dinner. I just wanted him to know that Leo's have amazing power lately, and he walks off to watch Australia's Funniest Home Videos. And then expects me to give it up? I don't think so. He went to bed frustrated.

Rocco was beyond tired but did NOT want to go to bed. I put him to bed amid howls of protestations. He went to bed super annoyed.

Max wanted to watch a DVD but it was all scratched, which is what happens when you don't put them back in their covers and they litter the floor. He went to bed disappointed.

Tim pretended he was sick to get out of helping us at the busy feral hour, by the time he came down his dad had already left to go pick up the Chinese food so he missed his lift to his girlfriends house. He went to bed in a huff. (Then he called a taxi an hour later to take him to his girlfriends house.)

I stayed up for a few hours, then knew if I didn't go to bed before midnight I would go past the point of tiredness, into the land of "You are too old for this shit and will pay for it tomorrow."

So dragging my feet, I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth. I felt frustrated, annoyed, disappointed, AND in a huff. Life is crazy busy hectic fucked-up and it makes my head spin around ten times each day. I cannot keep up, and wait for the day when things will be more manageable.

I had my iPod on, with The Gossips new album "Music for Men." It's rare for me to connect with much these days, but this album stirred the rock in me and I started dancing in my bathroom. I could see myself reflected in the windows, black tracksuit pants and wild hair. I was surprised at how cool I looked, always feeling so haggard and ground down lately.

I danced harder. All over the bathroom, in and out of the shower recess, jumping up and down on the impossibly freezing and hard-to-clean sandstone tiles with all of my might, I seriously started to rock out. It was very uncoordinated at first .... I lost my groove sometime back in May, right between Dave's cancer diagnosis and Rocco's birth. Haven't really danced much since.
I love dancing. Peeling off my long sleeve-top, Beth Ditto launched into "Love Long Distance" and that was when things REALLY started to go off. My rhythmn came back, and fuck me if I did not dance the shit out of that antarctic bathroom down here in Edenland.

I *may* have started daydreaming at that point, that I was on a film set that had just wrapped ... some really cool movie that had Brad Pitt in it, and I was like, a Creative Advisor or some shit. And The Gossip were playing at this post-production party and Brad and Angelina were there but I *totally* did not hit on Brad, and Angelina was really nice and I forgave her over the whole husband-stealing fiasco. And I could dance but they couldn't because they were too famous but I wasn't famous and they were jealous of my cool moves.

I ended up dancing for at least twenty minutes. I even got sweaty, and seriously contemplated going out somewhere and finding a dancefloor. But I thought of trying to explain it to Dave, so I stayed put. But it was nice to know I still got it going on.

Maybe I have had my life quota of wild dancing. Lord knows I was the Queen of Nightclubs all through my twenties. Unfortunately I was also the Queen of the One Night Stand, Queen of the Broken Dreams, and Queen of the Cocaine. (Which in turn, led to the ultimate ... Queen of the Dark Places).

Motherhood marriage addiction re-parenting writing crying cancer remission recovery time-managing stepmothering second-guessing and fucking it all up. ALL OF IT.

But for twenty minutes last Saturday night, in the safety and privacy of my own home, I was the Queen of the Dance.

I slunk into bed next to Dave; matted hair, a sweaty face, and a beating heart.

I went to bed happy.


  1. There's always time for dancing. I guess that's why it's good to have a little one around - at a certain age, they want to dance all the time. You can't really rock out to the Wiggles, but you have to take what you can get!

    I had a similar experience yesterday...except I was in the car, enjoying beautiful weather with the windows down, and then Nine Inch Nails came on the radio. I didn't care if I looked like a bobbing chicken, I was dancing in my car, because for that moment, anyway, life was very good.

  2. It sounds like you have found your medicine. Dance girl, dance.

  3. Oh, my girl, this just makes my heart swim with happiness and love for you.

    You rock so damn hard that the reverberations of your rocking are making me shake on the nearly exact opposite side of the world.

  4. We all wanna be dancing queens, hon:)

    And I SO love that you love Beth Orton. She rocks my socks.

  5. Of course you listen to Beth Orton --

    and let me tell you a story about how, this woman, on the other side of the world, has this miraculous second sense of timing -- and when I feel at my lowest, my darkest -- there, on the doorstep -- a package.

    I'm going to think of you dancing in the bathroom -- and that will buoy me through -- knowing that even after things seem dark -- the light and the dancing -- flood back in.

    God it's been so long since I danced with abandon.

    The very thought makes me smile.

    I'll write more in an email my friend -- but for now let me just say what goes without saying:

    love you,



  6. Thinking of you dancing in your bathroom made me smile. For some reason, I felt like I experienced it while I was reading it. You have a way of doing that.

  7. i love this post, it is so poetic. and it touches me. dancing and music and just feeling cool, i love this.

  8. I meant Beth Ditto, not Beth Orton. Get more stupider.

    But Beth Orton is cool too.

  9. I wish you lived closer...that way, since you're stirring the rock inside you, you could also get to the rock inside me. Boy, do I need a dance party. Thanks for the inspiration.

  10. I can picture you dancing and that made me want to get up and dance... maybe I still got it going on as well. I had a moment this week that made me feel happy. I was with Lyla at the farmers market for the first time, they had a jazz band playing, the weather was gorgeous, I had a perfect carrot muffin, Lyla was as happy as she could be... and for the first time since my separation I thought to myself: I really love my life!

    Keep dancing!!!!!!!!

  11. You and I are going to have such fun together.

    You probably have way cooler songs on your iPod than I do. And way more Queen titles.

  12. I will have to check that Gossip album out. I liked their first one and I need some new dancing music.

    And that time when everyone is gone to bed? Love that time. My time.

  13. Sometimes a person just needs to dance!! :-)

  14. I hereby name you the Dancing Queen. Hmm. There's a song title in there somewhere.

    I am so glad you danced. Dancing - there is something about it that clears the mind, makes us laugh, makes us feel human again. Dance more please :-)

    Love and huggles

  15. Good for you. You deserved to go to bed happy even if no one else in the house could manage it.
    I do a lot of the dancing in the car. And singing, loudly.

  16. Eden, that is so great! I wish I could have seen you just rocking out. There is not enough time like that in life; time to just let loose and crazy.

    Love you, my fantastic and fabulous friend from down under!

    (who has no rhythm AT ALL)
    (seriously, I look like I'm having a seizure when I dance.)

  17. I meant to get back here sooner and say that I loved this post. How you observed that everyone was unsatisfied ... families have lots of those nights, don't they. You nailed it.

    I love the peek into your moments. Your dancing. Your perfect imperfections and imperfect perfections. You are really something.

    "Dave wanted sexy love time, but ignored me when I put his carefully cut-out starsign from the newspaper in front of him during dinner. I just wanted him to know that Leo's have amazing power lately, and he walks off to watch Australia's Funniest Home Videos. And then expects me to give it up? I don't think so"

    LOL. That is so Mike, too. I probably wouldn't bother trying to tell him anything about it. Remind me to tell a story on the blog from our vacation about our new age vs. earthbound ying and yang. LOL.

    As for the horoscope, if Dave doesn't want it, I'll take it. ;) Our birthdays (as well as Pam's G's) are all within a week or so. Power you say? Hmmmm.



Write to be understood, speak to be heard. - Lawrence Powell

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