Tuesday, 4 August 2009

Life is Hard. Easy.

I'm usually ok.

I've been doing this recovery business long enough to know myself .. knowing myself is vital. I may even get another tattoo one day, that says "KNOW THYSELF" in cool swirly letters or some shit. Just to remind me.

However lately, I've been on the down and down. I'm not actually sure when it started, or even why. Maybe it's because I haven't liked where I live for a few years now. Or Rocco back to his old tricks of getting up seven times a night. Maybe it's that I can't get a crap job at the moment to save my life. Perhaps it started at the cancer? Or the self-hatred I felt at feeling like I hated my baby? I want his babyhood back ... sometimes my mind screams at me.

Sometimes my mind tells me dreadful, shameful things. Reminds me of all the bad I have done in my life ... reminds me of the pain I carry around, it is just so heavy. I think about certain things at 2am and blush. My sisters agree ... it's hard, this head of mine. I swear it tries to plot my downfall, if I am not careful. The price to freedom is eternal vigilance.

I have a friend, who I've know for almost ten years. She has gone back to her Old Ways. She has four children ... four hostages. I recently bumped into her in the street. Her eyes, black and flashing and angry. Screaming and rageful in the middle of the street and everybody was watching but I stayed calm and I did not give a SHIT about the people watching. I told her I was sorry I had been avoiding her ... that this past year was brutal and I had to keep myself safe. That I was worried Dave would not make it ... and so if I chose to go back to my Old Ways, then I would be abandoning my children and I couldn't do that. (How the call was strong, this past year! Surely I can have just a little something, take the edge off? Surely people would understand. Surely God Himself would understand?)

But I continued on, doing the right thing. Slogging it out, and ignoring the motherfucking red wine in the cupboard (spaghetti bolognaise). Ignoring the codeine underneath Daves jumpers (pain relief for his tumours).

Instead, I ate a fucking truckload of chocolate, drank seventy gallons of coffee.

My friends mother died, then her auntie died. Two big fat excuses masquerading as tragedies. She did not keep slogging and she strayed off the path. She hugged me close and stank of unwashed and cigarettes but I hugged her tighter and told her that I don't want her to die. And she walked off with the shifty people who I didn't know, yet knew so well. In search of more drugs. How easily I could slip in, with that crowd! How I used to be such a chameleon! I was so good at being spectacularly fucked up. You would not recognise who I used to be. Am I still her? Who is she? Where did she go?

Lately, everywhere I go I feel like a fake.

I came here just now to write the most hilarious post, you really would have laughed ... but it just did not feel honest. Like I'm lying by omission. "Hey ... I wish I was dead so I couldn't feel anything, but you should really see the cute way the boys covered over the hole in the wall in Rocco's room!!"

Every day I have been filled with this terrible Sad that won't go away. Deep weeping has occurred. Everything is just so STUPID.

So today, I give up. Not on life, or recovery ... just on trying to hold myself together. Fuck it. Fuck you, terrible thoughts.

You may have won this battle, but I am winning this motherfucking war.


  1. Eden, your blog is awesome. I love how honest you are and it helps me get through my rough days when I want to give up. Sorry you are having such a craptastic time emotionally. Hang on, I'm thinking of you and sending all the good thoughts and wishes and prayers I can for you.
    Random stranger in the US - Melissa

  2. Hang in there. You are a true inspiration to many and your honesty is very refreshing.

  3. De-lurking to let you know you've got another person cheering you on in your journey.

    You are ONE STRONG WOMAN! Thank you for being so brave to share this all with us.

  4. I have The Sad too. There, I admitted it, out loud and for real. I am not old me or new me, they both feel wrong, and I am tired.

  5. I have The Sad too. There, I admitted it, out loud and for real. I am not old me or new me, they both feel wrong, and I am tired.

  6. Isn't that why everyone is always recovering from addiction, and not recovered? The same things that led you to drugs are always there. You just learned to overcome them. And while they might occasionally score a hit in the battle and wound you, you are not losing battles and you're definitely winning the war. Keep up the good work.

    I hope you saved the hilarious post for later...

  7. Hi lovely,

    Sometimes what I tell myself -- remind myself --is that this is a wash of chemicals in my brain - and some days you just have to ride the wave -- staying vigilant, as you say -- and reaching out to those who know and love you -- do things that bring the light -- that's what I try to do -- when that darkness creeps around the edges -- and it does. I was just thinking about how early trauma utterly changes our chemistry -- I am here -- every day -- thinking of you -- we can guard against that creeping darkness together -- how does that sound -- I'll point out to you -- hey look --isn't that tree over there beautiful? And you can say -- hey, read this - it's awesome...and we can take it as it comes...

    Love love love,


  8. Sweet, sweet, Eden. The Sad and the Terrible Thoughts have not won anything. They are very unpleasant house guests but their arrival means nothing about you or your strength. You are strong enough to let them in and hang around for a while - you are so much braver than everyone who just prefers to shut the door on them and pretend, through whatever means necessary or unnecessary, that they don't exist. You can't be eternally vigilant if you just keep covering your eyes and plugging your ears to what's really going on, right?

    The fact that those miserable asshole feelings have shown up does not change for once nanosecond the brilliant diamond you are in your heart. You are a brave, radiant, splendid, magnificent, beautiful, triumphant genius-woman, and you rock at this life thing.

    I wish it didn't all hurt so much to rock at this life thing, but it just does, sometimes. Holding you in my heart, and wishing you peace and some space from the Sad and the Terrible Feelings. I hope they at least move out into the yard if they have to stick around much longer.

    The biggest hugs from the land where it rains maple syrup on a daily basis.

  9. Don't give up! You're doing a great job and sometimes it really is one day at a time (and sometimes one minute at a time). You'll get through this! Keep up the good work.

  10. Keep holdin on, dear Eden! You're still collecting yourself after the harsh storm you and your family endured. It does not speak poorly of your character or make you a failure to still be collecting yourself after such a crazy hurricane! Stay strong. Get smothered in Rocco hugs and giggles and take good care of yourself.

  11. I believe that without looking the Sad square in the eye and acknowledging it you never grow. Sad wants you to run into the arms of oblivion. Your friends and family love you even with the Sad lurking about.

    Sending you love.

  12. It is so difficult to pick yourself back up again when you get this far down. The light does come, though. It is the waiting until you manage to reach it that is hard.

    I am always amazed at how your posts seem to mirror how I feel. Are we riding the same wave or what?! I do think you are much more honest than I ever am. I even manage to fool myself--like I am trying to fake it until I make it but never quite do. Good for you for staying true to yourself!

    Hugs to you, my dear. Sending love as always...

  13. You are a strong woman and I am proud of you.

  14. The battle inside your own head is the pits, isn't it? Loving you from the US. Let it out.

  15. Breathing with you through the living pains.

    Loving you across the globe.

  16. Oh Eden. I so remember this feeling of just wishing to die and not feel anymore. I'm so so sorry. I wish I could just come give you a hug.
    You are an incredibly strong person and a wonderful one. I'm sending so many good thoughts your way and hoping that things start to look better soon.

  17. Eden- sending you strength and loving thoughts. Wish I was closer so we could hang out and I could help...


  18. you are not a fake! you've been through a lot but you are winning! keep fighting. I hope the sadness goes way soon. HUGS

  19. "You may have won this battle, but I am winning this motherfucking war."

    Hell yes. Me too. I think I need a coffee...

  20. You know it is ok, to not be ok sometimes. You have so much strength Eden you don't even freakin' know it.
    I admire it so much. You are my hero !

    Just keep those boys in your thoughts and hold onto them.

  21. Do you have any idea how many people you have pulled up out of their holes with your honesty?

    LIFE CAN BE A BITCH sometimes and yet you are holding your ground.

    I ask you, is there ANYTHING better that you can give your children than a strong self....even when you aren't feeling it much.

    You have those boys adoring you (even when they are whiny messy obnoxious male creatures) and you are giving them the best of all things....YOU.

  22. You are not a fake - you are more real than most people will ever be and you can be so proud of that. You are BRAVE enough to be real and just be. And sometimes the "be-ing" is tough. But you're doing it and you're winning the war. Isn't it awesome how the computer somehow allows for the entire world to cheer you on? Sending you Texas-sized hugs from across the planet.

  23. Sometimes it gets so bad I just laugh at my feelings. I like the notion of giving up on being together. Pieces is where it's at.


  24. I've read this post a few times now and keep coming back to comment but I have been constructing and reconstructing just what I want to say.

    I've not been through anything close to what you've been though. Every time I read something new on your blog I am amazed by you and your strength to get where you are today.

    I have been through some stuff though and I know what it's like to battle the demons and I know how fucking hard it is - for me, on my own level. I battle The Sad on a regular basis and I know that there are times when it's really hard and it hardly seems worth it.

    But you battle through and don't give up and then when the clouds lift and you realize that you just rode out another wave (or tsunami) you feel stronger and tougher and better than before.

    On my bad days I go to bed at night and some of the terrible things that I myself have done come crashing in on me. The Sad and the Terrible Thoughts take over me and I am gripped by panic and fear and self loathing and I don't know how I will ever live through the night. But somehow I do.

    And you will to. Because you are amazing, and you are tough and you kick motherfucking ass. You soooo seriously do.

    It's so hard when you were really good at "that other life", really good at being fucked up - yet this new life, the good life is so fucking hard sometimes.

    I just hope the fog lifts and you start to feel better soon.

    Just know that I am thinking of you and sending you all my best, strong, warrior vibes.

  25. Even without having gone through even an iota of what you've gone through I still feel some of those feelings you're talking about. Some days I wake up and my skin does not fit. I want to strip it off and runaway and be someone else. I regularly feel like a failure to my children. There is nothing that says I am a failure, but my own mind. And day after day is a fight to keep this mind in control. Some days I win, some days I lose.

    Seeing the awesome fight that you have won so far...you give us all hope.

    "Know Thyself"...so true

  26. Oh, Eden, write it all out and get it all out there out of your head! I love you dear girl and I you will make it, you will!!!

  27. I found you awhile ago and come back to visit every so often. I don't know you well (yet) but I think you are brave for holding on and not giving in.

  28. I admire your strength. These past two weeks, waiting to hear if I was going to die or not, the pain was so great I almost called up my sister to see if she could score a black-market Xanax. And I've never had an addiction.


Write to be understood, speak to be heard. - Lawrence Powell

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