This afternoon, my sister Linda phones me. I miss the call, but listen to her message.
Linda: "Hi it's me, oh my God did you watch Greys last night shiiiiiiit!!!!! Hey are you at Bong Nanna's yet? Call me bye."
I ring her back.
Eden: "Oh my GOD!!!! GEORGE WAS 007!!!"
L: "I KNOW. I didn't see that one coming, unfuckingbelieveable."
We chatted and laughed, I apologised in advance for writing a happy 8th birthday on my niece's card when in fact it should be happy 9th. Linda was all, are you RIGHT!!? Aunty of the year. I blamed it on my preoccupation with packing.
L: "Oh, are you already at Bong Nanna's?"
E: "HA! I wish I could blog about that! Mate, I have been to Bong Nanna's and back."
(A seven hour round trip)
L: "What? Are you at home?"
Linda starts laughing. "What happened this time?"
"Well, I walk in the door yesterday afternoon, said hello, got alternately ignored and then shooshed, beacause The Bold and the Beautiful was on. And, after four nights apart, Dave was all pissed because he had to help me unpack the car when he really wanted a shower."
Every time I go to my MILs, it's just ridiculous. Eventually, I was acknowledged (after B&B had finished) ... and her youngest grandchild was looked at. How nice.
I give her so so many allowances, I wasn't even surprised. As soon as I got there I slunk into a pithole and just watched TV the whole time. It's a very depressing atmosphere - usually I keep busy and go to the beach or shops, but I just gave up.
E: "Yeah .... AND I got a fucking speeding ticket when I was driving there! Like, what the hell was I in a rush for!! The copper pulled me over and asked if there was any reason why I was speeding. I'm like, oh, well, that's just because I'm an IDIOT!!!! I just kept apologising to him, saying how sorry I was, I'm such an idiot, the car goes too fast. Actually, I think he wanted me. He was pretty hot. But when he went back to check my licence I looked down and noticed I was COVERED in crumbs and pieces of ham, and chicken. From my lunch."
L: " Oh. Yeah. He must've seen that and wanted you BAAAAD!!!"
E: "He did mate. I just brushed it off. It's still sitting under my car seat."
My biggest battles in life take place in my head. It's exhausting.
So, home again. I lit the fire, had a shower, and instead of wallowing like I really wanted to do, I took Rocco for a big walk in his pram. He fell asleep and I listened to my iPod. I blasted all the powerful songs, and was so fucked off that I sang aloud. Like a crazy loon at the train station. I'm singing Coldplay at the TOP of my lungs, through all the streets where I live.
"For some reason I can't explain ... I know St Peter won't call my name."
The world looked sharp, like it always does when I'm in emotional pain. I saw profiles in the cracks of the pavement and they reminded me of my dad, all those years ago, teaching us how to draw profiles out of a squiggle. Walking along, I suddenly remembered the dream I had last night. (True fact - my dad had the same name as my husband.) In the dream, I was trying to figure out which one killed himself, which one had chemo, which one drove off last week. It's such a cliche, all the father issues I have, abandonment, yadda yadda. Dave threw me a blanket last night. I was ignoring him (because apparently I'm twelve) .. he goes, "Here, it's for your cold shoulder." Then walks off to bed. It stung ... but it was good! Clever turd.
Then this morning he went to the beach. So, he's kind of "left" me a lot, the past week. In rehab, that would be called "triggering my issues."
Here in Edenland, it's called "FUCK YOU TOO."
The long walk today was nice. I can almost smell the end of winter. I never noticed seasons, in the wilderness years. How amazing, that all the buds and flowers are growing beneath the bare branches, waiting to come up.
Sometimes, I feel like a dried up autumn leaf that forgot to fall and it's spring already and everyone's rejoicing but I'm still all deep red and crinkly, half hanging on.
So. In conclusion, after writing all this down, I realise why I got a speeding ticket - I was trying to outrun my shadow. She followed me, all the way to Bong Nanna's and back again. Now if I can just stroke her head, put her to bed for a while. She's so tired.