Wednesday, 22 July 2009

The Lesson

Today I watched the baby stumble across the floorboards, like he was drunk. He likes this walking business. He cried and whined all morning, I started counting down the minutes until daycare and felt very guilty. But not so guilty I stopped counting.

Today, I watched Max play with a friend, saw his chest heave with pride doing tricky jumps on the trampoline. For the first time in his life he is refusing a haircut, so he has these crazy tendrils and sideburns all over. When he wakes up in the morning he is called The Professor, until he smooshes it down with water. His dad wants him to get a haircut ... so did I at first, but now I think, be free, wild and woolly hair! Be free.

Today I was so cranky about more of my ideas being stolen ... that I cleaned off my whole desk and vacuumed my office in frustration. I will succeed, Godammit. I have originality, and I will just keep on churning out more, bigger, better ideas and claim them quickly and fiercely.

Today my marriage is not the best, culminating in a thrown wedding ring. (His, not mine). I quickly picked it up off the floor so when he goes to look for it later he won't find it. I don't know when I'll give it back to him.

Today, I wondered if anyone notices that I don't talk about my mother much. Somebody else ... not her ... taught me if you can't say something nice about somebody then don't say anything at all. So here's what I have to say > <.

Today I remembered all the nightclubs that I used to own ... all the toilets I used to snort coke off. Imagined all the lines that have lined the cistern since my time.

Today I wanted to write a poem about how I feel. Then realised somebody else already had.

The Lesson

I keep on dying again.
Veins collapse, opening like the
Small fists of sleeping
Memory of old tombs,
Rotting flesh and worms do
Not convince me against
The challenge. The years
And cold defeat live deep in
Lines along my face.
They dull my eyes, yet
I keep on dying,
Because I love to live.

- Maya Angelou

How are you doing, in this "life" business?
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