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Today I watched the baby stumble across the floorboards, like he was drunk. He likes this walking business. He cried and whined all morning, I started counting down the minutes until daycare and felt very guilty. But not so guilty I stopped counting.
Today, I watched Max play with a friend, saw his chest heave with pride doing tricky jumps on the trampoline. For the first time in his life he is refusing a haircut, so he has these crazy tendrils and sideburns all over. When he wakes up in the morning he is called The Professor, until he smooshes it down with water. His dad wants him to get a haircut ... so did I at first, but now I think, be free, wild and woolly hair! Be free.
Today I was so cranky about more of my ideas being stolen ... that I cleaned off my whole desk and vacuumed my office in frustration. I will succeed, Godammit. I have originality, and I will just keep on churning out more, bigger, better ideas and claim them quickly and fiercely.
Today my marriage is not the best, culminating in a thrown wedding ring. (His, not mine). I quickly picked it up off the floor so when he goes to look for it later he won't find it. I don't know when I'll give it back to him.
Today, I wondered if anyone notices that I don't talk about my mother much. Somebody else ... not her ... taught me if you can't say something nice about somebody then don't say anything at all. So here's what I have to say > <.
Today I remembered all the nightclubs that I used to own ... all the toilets I used to snort coke off. Imagined all the lines that have lined the cistern since my time.
Today I wanted to write a poem about how I feel. Then realised somebody else already had.
The Lesson
I keep on dying again.
Veins collapse, opening like the
Small fists of sleeping
Children.
Memory of old tombs,
Rotting flesh and worms do
Not convince me against
The challenge. The years
And cold defeat live deep in
Lines along my face.
They dull my eyes, yet
I keep on dying,
Because I love to live.
- Maya Angelou
How are you doing, in this "life" business?
I like what you said about not talking about your mother much because you've learned to say nothing if you have nothing nice to say. Maybe that's why I don't talk about mine much either.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry about the thrown wedding ring. I hope that he doesn't take too long before he starts looking for it.
And Whoohoo for walking babies. Now he will truly be into everything! Oh boy.
I still have my husband's wedding ring hidden in my dresser from months ago when he was drunk and threw it at me. He hasn't said anything about it... I don't think he remembers doing it and has no clue where it is. He's just to chicken to ask about it... Some days marriage is much harder than others.
ReplyDeleteI just spent the weekend with my parents... I feel the same way about my Dad. It's alwasy much easier to not even talk to him than to have it end in an arguement as it always will... I love my Mom very much - but he makes her and everyone else miserable.
Anon ... wow. Thank you so much for sharing that. Dave threw it at me, too. I believe I had to duck.
ReplyDeleteMy husband only wears his wedding ring when he's away from me. So when he's not wearing it, I occasionally will relocate it to see if he notices. Cause I'm passive-aggressive like that. :)
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like today was very busy for you! You definitely have originality, so I hope things fall into place for you soon.
My dear girl,
ReplyDeleteYes, you might as well keep on ticking. If St. Peter does turn you away, at least we will have eachother for company.
Thank you for that brilliant poem; I had not seen it. It's a wow. I have a copy of (I Know Why) The Caged Bird (Sings) ... I should go read it again.
Sorry about the strife ... marriage is such messy business for most of us, if we're honest about it, anyway.
"Somebody else ... taught me if you can't say something nice about somebody then don't say anything at all."
You are a better person than I am. I think I have to say the not nice things in order to process and purge. Why does the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side ... If I don't put it down somewhere it eats me up ... and if there is any peace or understanding to be found ... I have to dig it out from under my rage.
XXOOXXOOXXOOXXOO
D.
I love your honesty. Seriously love it.
ReplyDeleteYeah, marriage is definitely something that seems to go day by day. Always something that needs to be worked on.
I'd have hidden the ring too. ;-)
The only thing I can say is, if someone is stealing your stuff that means you have stuff worth stealing, ie: you write really well. I would be happy if someone stole my stuff, that would be that I have finally made it and I can write... The ring, well we all go through rough spots but it doesn't last forever. Just say a little pray. Your daughter is so cute by the way...
ReplyDeleteI heart you.
ReplyDeleteI cant stand my husband. Instead of him saying "Go have fun in chicago honey- you deserve it for supporting all of us by yourself" -
I get the " why are you being selfish?" You dont spend enough time with your children as it is, so you want to leave them for the weekend?
Yeah- that's the kind of husband I have.
Everyone else has already said the good stuff ... I heart you too.
ReplyDelete*sigh*
ReplyDeleteMothers. I say lots of not nice things about mine -- but then feel filled with guilt and can't untangle the warm memories from the awful. I've been trying to work the program around her --which is what people have been telling me for years to do. Not working out so hot since I haven't found a group of people I really connect with IRL.
I don't write much about G's and my blow-outs -- they are the shadow sides of the wonderful parts of it. In part I'm embarrassed at how easily I crumble into tears -- I have little fire in my nature and lots of sobbing.
W always goes through the mophead phase -- and it's always cute until it just gets to the point where none of us can take it anymore and then off it goes...it helps that his dad shaves his head...
I had this project in mind for years -- I've written about it - -and then a local writer got all this acclaim for this book which was about the same event -- I had to just take a deep breath and tell myself that everything has been told more than once -- but not by me -- and that's what I say to you -- even if someone has written something that you feel is your story -- it isn't told by you -- in your voice -- with your heart -- with the filter of your tremendous experience...it is yours.
I falter in the life business.
XO
Love to you my friend, as always...
Pam
As for marriage...I have often said I would love to be married to another woman,,,if it wasn't for the sex thing.
ReplyDeleteMen. Ugh.
I am glad your toilets are now clean and you have those wonderful boys to make you smile.
My husband is currently in bed. It is 12:45pm. He is having a bad day. He said on paper he's working but zzzz's!
ReplyDeleteEveryone has bad days.
I wish I could get him to clean a fucking toilet on his bad days!
Eden, it pisses me off that someone is stealing your stuff. Want me to kick their butt?
ReplyDeleteAnd marriage is definitely harder than pretty much everyone leads on. I respect your honesty and find comfort in it.
Maya Angelo has the most beautiful voice too. I can hear it as I read that poem. Hang in there girl. Husbands can be such buttheads but usually in the end they realize how much they love you adn appreciate all you do. I sucky at the "life" stuff. You are the only one that knows though. Our little secret.
ReplyDeleteJilly
Some places I cannot even visit anymore because I still associate them with snorting coke off the backs of the toilets and it makes me feel sick in the tummy just thinking about it.
ReplyDeleteI love your writing, your honesty and I loved the poem. Thanks for sharing. Me? Living has not been so great. Having my heart broken in a tiny million pieces when I least expected sucks, being alone sucks, being far away from my family sucks, being so disappointed at the man I once thought would be the greatest father on earth sucks, seeing my baby girl call for daddy and he is nowhere to be found sucks big time, having to move with alone with a 15 month old sucks, having to downsize sucks, learning to letting go... In a span of 3 years I went from an infertile to a single mom. I guess we can not have it all…. but I keep on dying because I too LOVE TO LIVE
ReplyDeleteI am reaching through the screen to give you the biggest hug I can (fortunately I have long arms). Wait........................not yet........................okay. Now I'm done.
ReplyDeleteToday I thought seriously about duct taping Ja.son's glasses to his head. I felt guilty--didn't do it, of course--but fantisized about it anyway. All. day. long. I fucking hate glasses today. So, apparently, does Ja.son.
Marriage is f'ing hard a lot of the time. We run hot or cold here. He either is driving me up the wall and makes me cry at the drop of a hat or the world is beautiful only because he is in it. Well, not only because he is in it. Ahem. You get my point. Anyway, I hope that Dave looks for it sooner rather than later.
Much love to you as always. :-)
Before I ever had sex, I always thought I would enjoy it. Each. And. Every. Time.
ReplyDeleteBefore I got married, I thought it was ridiculous that the man I married would ever say or do something that was meant to hurt my feelings. Even worse, he would KNOW HOW to hurt my feelings in the worst way possible.
I also thought it was terrible that anyone would ever bitch about their mother-in-law. How rude.
IT is amazing what saying "I do" has taught me.
This is off topic - but I am hearing rumors that BlogHer 2010 is in NYC. Are you in? Cause I am sooooo totally in.
ReplyDeleteAll I can muster up to say....
ReplyDeleteI understand.