Thursday, 25 June 2009

Feet Fail Me Not

Sometimes I am driving into my street and I picture my husband and children running around with blood all over them and something really really bad has happened. I panic that something has happened to someone I love and any minute now I'm going to get a phone call with terrible news. Or, driving in the car, the truck in front of us will crash into our car and we will all die horrible, terrible, slow deaths.

I'm equal parts cursed and blessed with the most vivid imagination. Part of me is waiting for the next bad thing to happen in life. And it will, I'm sure. I think the trick is to enjoy the fuck out of eating half a pack of chocolate biscuits, or dancing with your boys to Little Green Bag. Enjoy life in SPITE of life.

I've been all swirly and panicky, all week. I have to keep finding a ledge of safety in my head, breathe deeply, know that things are ok. I'm going away tonight ... for three nights. I'm going to a most amazing writing seminar that's being held in Sydney, and I'm freaked out. Staying in a hotel , all by myself! Surely I'm not THAT trustworthy?

I was excited, then I got nervous. Then worried, spun out, I've missed the boys all bloody week and I haven't even LEFT yet. This will be my first time leaving them. I told Dave the other day that I hope he goes ok.

Dave: "Course I will, hon. I've done this before."
Me: "No you haven't. You've never minded the boys by yourself."
Dave: Scoffing "Yes I have! Geez! I've minded them heaps of times."
Me: Turning blue with frustration because my husband has the world's worst memory "No mate, you haven't. You've never minded the boys by yourself yet."

And on and on it went, escalating until Max walked off to go on the swings. (Yes, we were in public.) Dave has this uncanny knack of re-inventing history. I don't care that he hasn't minded the boys by himself yet .... he's mostly been on chemo and been unable too, so I certainly don't begrudge him that. But I hate it when he makes shit up and believes it as truth. I know for a fact he's going to get a rude shock for the next three nights in a row ... getting up to Rocco. (Who can sleep through sometimes, and has FINALLY stopped the screaming thing, but he is still needs a tuck-in or a bottle in the middle of the night).

Dave can't sleep if he gets woken up in the night ... good luck with that, my champion husband who breezily assures me "he's done this before."

In 10 minutes I need to pick Max up from school and give him my undivided attention. I've spent the whole day cooking ..... Tim turns 17 today, and I asked him what he wanted for dinner.

"Ok, ummmm, lamb chops with lemon and oregano, chicken schnitzel, and your lasagna."

My guilt at flying the coop is leading me to cook all three dishes, with a chocolate cake decorated with cars, and also mashed potato and veggies and a salad. All this from a chick who used to think that opening a can of soup and heating it was a-ma-zing. I think I need some kind of award. I haven't even had a shower yet, and I need to pack my bag. I need to choose clothing that writers wear, something that says "cool" yet "aloof" .... but of course "creative."

I expect to be up late every night getting crumbs in my hotel bed, finally catching up on blogs for the first time all week. And doing writer-ly things. And remembering who I am. Or realising who I can be. Maybe doing a pump class at one of the 24hour city gyms? Going out for a soy flat white WHENEVER I choose.

I feel guilty then not then happy then scared then freaked out. It's only three nights .... and God Himself knows how much I need a break from here. I just can't wait to come back again too .... I really hope they do all go ok and nobody gets hurt or dies in a car accident, etc. Because that would SUCK.

Stupid imagination.


  1. I also have problems with the vivid, horrific imagination. And guilt over leaving the babe for a night (or 3 in your case). And a husband who makes up things that didn't happen because he wishes they really did happen.

    I suffer greatly from all 3 afflictions.

  2. Have SO much fun, Eden! You may be freaking out right now, but you will have a BLASTY BLAST! Get your write on, girl!

  3. I so hope you stop freakin' yourself out and you get to really enjoy you weekend. You deserve a break. Turn that imagination into your writing.

  4. I hate that horrifying imagination thing! I truly think that the whole "make up his own version of life" phenomenon is just a weird man quirk. It just so happens that it is one man quirk that irks the snot outta me! I totally feel ya on that. He'll realize it come 3 or 4 in the morning lol. You should take a moment each day to imagine in great detail, the look on his face in that one moment that he realizes you are right. Then allow yourself a half hour to laugh your smug tush off at his look of horror!

    Enjoy your weekend! I am so envious! I would love to be able to spend a whole entire weekend away and writing!

  5. See and I thought I was the only one who had a freaky ass imagination like that. My big one is driving down the freeway and imaging what would happen if I got in accident my car went flying etc. Just sucks.
    I'm sure you'll have a great weekend away and then really be able to enjoy coming home. Dave will be clueless at first but he'll make it through and then appreciate you sooooooo much more. Hugs to you.

  6. ROFL! Wicked imagination! Mine runs amuck too - "what if that truck blew a tire and swerved into us crushing the car against the concrete wall..."

    You are going to have the bestest most awesome time away and I am green with envy. I expect you will return with tales of discovery to regale us with. And Dave will manage just fine - especially seeing as how you've done so much to make life easy for him - feeding the horde is half the work!

    Have a blast!

  7. Normally, I'm firmly grounded in reality, but when it comes to my daughter, my imagination goes wild. It's very disturbing and I hate it.

    I'd like to say that when my husband makes stuff up, I just laugh and say "OK, sure." I don't, but it doesn't really matter. He is a grown up and can handle stuff, and I will get to laugh later when he complains about the stuff I encounter daily.

    Nice job on the cooking! I wish I could come for dinner - it sounds delicious.

  8. Rewriting history is such man thing to do! My hubby does it all the time - usually with things he's said rather than done, but still...

    Enjoy your time away Eden! You'll have a blast, and the boys will be fine :).

  9. Oh Eden, I am green with envy at the thought of three whole days doing writerly things. And maybe I'm on the wrong tram here but imagination? Isn't that a given for a writer.

    And what's the bet that the universe will give Dave the easiest of times and he will spend the next year asking you why you think it's so hard because "When you were away and I minded the boys, it was as easy as pie?" And you will have to use all your powers not to kill him.

    Have fun! And tell us all about it.

  10. FFS you better have a good time as measured by the amount of shit you get done between the hotel sheets (oh stop that vivid imagination here, I'm being serious!)

    You WILL have a great time, and nothing bad will happen.


  11. You will have a wonderful time -- I understand the mind on the continuous loop -- I have that particular gift too -- what I do? I make myself stop in that moment I'm thinking that horrible scene -- and replay it so its wonderful -- like it's a dvd in my head -- take the awful one out...pop the new one in -- hit play -- good things....all good things, even if my brain is grumbling about not being able to do its thing.

    And you? You do YOUR thing in Sydney -- it sounds like exactly what is needed -- a little creative infusion with creative people -- and a little breathing space for you.





  12. I was totally panicky when I was supposed to be going to California. I mean, how could they make it without me?


    Guess that whole thing was a bust.

    Enjoy your trip!

  13. OMG EDEN!!!!!!


    I wrote you a guest blog post this morning and my FINAL SENTENCE WAS- WHAT YOU JUST WROTE.

    I am freaking the hell out.



  14. I'm exactly the same way. I'm always waiting for something bad to happen. And of course, my husband likes to rewrite history too. It does turn out to be quite a laugh for me later when he realizes I was right.
    Good luck being away from the family. My husband and I just went on a four day camping trip leaving our 4 month old daughter behind. It was tough, but much needed. I found it easier not to call home and check-in, but that's b/c my MIL was watching her, and well, we won't go in to that. You might need the comic relief ;)

  15. I hope you have a really excellent time with the creative grown-ups. You deserve it. And of course, the homecoming will be sweeeeeeeeet. At least for the first 15 minutes. :)

    You have to tell us all about the writing, so we can live vicariously through you.

    GAH ... the re-written history gag. DH pulls that ... we'll be trying to talk ourselves down from an argument and ... to the amazement of my utterly exploded brains ... he will swear up and down by his version of conversational events -- a version where he really didn't ~hear~ a word that I said but remembers ~verbatim~ the intentions and turns of phrase that he PROJECTED onto me.

    This is me when that happens:

    Pronunciation: \ˌa-pə-ˈplek-tik\
    Function: adjective
    Etymology: French or Late Latin; French apoplectique, from Late Latin apoplecticus, from Greek apoplēktikos, from apoplēssein
    Date: 1611
    1: of, relating to, or causing stroke
    2: affected with, inclined to, or showing symptoms of stroke
    3: of a kind to cause or apparently cause stroke, "an apoplectic rage"; also : greatly excited or angered "was apoplectic over the news"


  16. Don't go in your head alone!
    I always have this weird fear. It's when my family all leave in the car together that they will crash and I will be left with the guilt of me choosing to stay home for a mommy day. Them all gone to heaven without me.
    Have a WONDERFUL b-day Tim!

  17. You are going to have the best time. You are! You are! You are! And quit with the guilt my honey - you DESERVE this big time. You are going to learn and grow and have some quiet space and get up in the morning and leave the room all messy for the room service team. And you are not going to feel bad.

    And guess what. While you are away the boys will be fine...and they may even appreciate you just a little more when you get back. So it's a win/win.

    As for catching up on blogs I might have an update on mine tomorrow. We shall see!

    Have a blast hon. You rock, and this is your three nights. Make the most of them (and if Bono is in town you have my permission to play away!!!)

  18. Um, Eden? Do you think you could remove that bit about the supper you are making for Tim?

    Not only is it making me really freaking hungry despite having just eaten handfuls of M&Ms and Reese's Pieces, but the idea of you as such an incredible domestic goddess is making me feel inadequate and somewhat scared of swearing around you.

    Just kidding! Have a motherfucking awesome time in Sydney, you wickedly awesome badass writer chick, you!

    And with any luck, I will post an update* soon so you can read that as you lounge in your hotel room drinking fluffy coffee drinks and surrounded by chocolate. That can be your award for cooking that absurdly delicious-sounding meal.

    *I know, I know. I'm so generous.

  19. How exciting to be going on a conference! I do hope you have a wonderful time and learn lots. :-)

    I have an overactive imagination, too. Guilt-check. Husband who can be clueless at times-check. It will be okay, I think. Dave can handle it. If he calls you in the throws of panic, then you can do the "I told you so dance" for as long as you want. :-) How great would that be?


  20. Men are SO good at making shit up and believing it was true- like how my husband now swears it was his idea to get married, when the truth is I sunk my claws into him and dragged him kicking and screaming to the alter.

    They will probably eat like wild beasts and pee all over the carpet, but somehow they will all survive to continue to propagate the human race with other men who make shit up.

  21. I'm blessed with the creative memory of your husband.

    Enjoy the conference!

  22. Oh my God - I thought I was the only one who constantly thought about death/accidents/horrible maimings to my family!

    I wonder what is wrong with my brain when it takes me to strange and scary places. What if I wake up in the morning and my husband doesn't wake up? I can't face this world alone! Aauugghh!

    Glad to hear I'm not alone.

    Have a GREAT time in Sydney and do all the fun things you want to do when you want to do them.

    And then go home and be so very happy that you are back home again, because deep down, that's what we all really want in the end.

  23. I do it too. Except my family gets eaten by a pack of pit bulls, I'm the only survivor and must live my life horribly disfigured in a basement somewhere.


    Love your blog. Found you over at SocialLuxe Lounge.

  24. Do u mean we could have gone for a night on the town??? ARgghhh!!

    Instead, you stay in bed and get crumbs on the sheets, ok!

    The boys will be fine because THEY ARE BOYS, they don't care - like we do - over the little things.

    The house, on the other hand, may not be so fine!!

    Enjoy your course!!


  25. Reading your frist paragraph my only thought was "Oh, I am so glad I am not the only one!" Because seriously Eden, I was in bed the other night imagining terrible scenarios, each worse than the last (my fear is someone breaking into the house and killing us all, Sam especially) until finally I thought "I need to tell my therapist about this. I think I need real help." I'm glad I'm not the only one. Two of us means this is normal, right? Right.

    Have loads of fun at your conference. Dave will be haggard when you get home and serves him right (I am grumpy at all husbands right now, especially my own.) Let's see him rewrite THIS bit of history!

    As for writer attire? Just add a pair of glasses. Works in the movies, hey?

    Wish I was there with you.

  26. I have a horrific imagination as well. Just last night I played a scenerio of a robbery gone wrong over and over in my head while trying to fall asleep.

    I hope you're having a great time, I'd love to be where you are right now!


Write to be understood, speak to be heard. - Lawrence Powell

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