Thursday, 21 May 2009

Wee Thievery, and Other Fluffy Tales

Tonight, Rocco did a big wee on his carpet, approx 1.2 seconds after I took his nappy off. He sat there, trying to pick his wee up. Naturally, he couldn't pick his wee up and grew increasingly agitated. I made matters worse by mopping up said carpet wee ... he started hollering at me, all like, "MUM! I made that wee! I wanted it that wee was miiiiiiiiiiine!!! How dare you take it my WEEEEEEE!!"
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As Dave was driving in the car, I had weird gas pains in my tummy. Not wanting to make a big deal of things, I hunched over and made big noises like I was about to die. "What's up, hon?"

"Ohhhh. I'm ok. I think it's just my non-hodgkins lymphoma."

We both laughed at my repulsive, dreadful "humour."

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I have the house to myself, utter bliss. Noticing myself doing things like: walking around in my undies, eating half a banana while staring blankly out the window for a full nine minutes. And then listening to Kings of Leons latest album ... LOUDLY. I have a real sense of myself again. How YOU doin??

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My friend is coming up on Saturday night, for a sleepover! Woot! Have not had a sleepover in years.

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Just them, I caved and cut a big fat hunk of leftover chocolate birthday cake. Half walked back to the couch and thought .. who am I kidding? Walked back and cut a second big fat slice, put it on the plate next to the untouched first big fat slice, and THEN sat down on the couch. Then ate them both, hunched over. I eat like a CAVEMAN when no-one is watching.

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Sometimes, my stepson and I are watching TV, and he tries to really irritate me. Silly noises, wild hand gesticulating, farts in the middle of my favourite show .... I warn him.

"Mate. If you don't stop it, I will talk to you about tampon ads again. Remember what I told you about heavy flows."

Silence descends on the room, like magic.

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The next day, however, he gets me back. Walks up to me and looks intently at my face.

"Eden. No offense, but you really need to pluck your nostril hairs."

He leaves the room, I run to the mirror, and gasp at my nostril hair.

And curse God for giving me so many frickin' man features. Do you know how painful it is to pluck nosehair? That shit HURTS.
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