Tuesday, 12 May 2009

If I Were a Fish, I'd Be a Flounder

This morning I was so cold that I sat in my car and cried and cried and CRIED so hard that as I was crying I thought, "Hell Eden, you need to do an Annette Bening in American Beauty and slap yourself." Then I cried some more, couldn't compose myself so had to drive back home to my messy bedroom and turn the heater on and cry. Good thing about crying is, you eventually stop.

Then I looked for a snippet of Annettes slapping scene on YouTube, couldn't find it but instead found a guy impersonating it. Here is me in my car this morning:

Which made me laugh and laugh and now I feel a bit better.

Why the cry? Working my butt off, all morning, to get to a massage appointment. My friends pitched in and got me a voucher for my birthday, I have not had a massage in YEARS. I tried, last year, but it ended badly before it even began when the person wanted to know every detail about Daves condition and then told me "chemotherapy can exacerbate tumours." I walked in today, on time, and was made to wait - and wait, while the lady finished talking on the phone. 15 minutes passed ... I was looking around at this beautiful shop filled with zen-like objects and dreamcatchers and Buddhas, thinking how if it were ME on the phone I would have politely asked the caller to hold and then serve the customer. Then I was given a form to fill out, and THEN I was brought back to the room, by a really nice girl. She left, I stripped down to my undies, looking around for dead bodies because obviously I was in the morgue.

It was freezing.

And she left me lying there for so very long, waiting in the freezing room. Mortifyingly, I started to cry. She came back in, I was already up, putting my clothes back on. It was just too cold, even if she started the massage anyway. It was too cold and I'd had enough and I had to get out of the room. I was really nice to her, she felt bad and it wasn't her fault. I just get very badly triggered when I am ignored .. I spent my childhood being ignored and it damaged me in some places that I can never fix.

So I got in the car (after being accosted by reception-lady who is obviously the boss .... now you want to talk to me?).

And sat in my car and cried and loathed myself for getting so upset when climate change is a very real threat, the financial crisis is looming, people are living in war torn countries and poor Widdle Eden didn't get her massage boo hoo!!??


AND: Last night the baby was up for three straight hours, 11pm to 2am - and I had to just rock him gently back to sleep and it's hard - motherhood is hard and I am not full of kindness like some mum blogs are.

I've had a spate of nasty comments and emails lately - I already HAD haters who are reading here (memo: why??!) ... but on the weekend I stepped into a minefield by addressing an anonymous comment on somebodys blog to defend my friend about an issue that is very close to my heart. Somebody started trawling my backposts, leaving snarky comments about stuff I have wrote. I enabled comment moderation, then thought fuck it. There is nothing anybody can ever say to me that is as bad as the stuff I say to myself. And also, I try not to take myself too seriously - life is too important for that. This is why I blog about my failings, my nosehair , and my manhands ..... it's just a blog, not the fucking Declaration of Human Rights.


Once when I was in the car, I turned to Dave and told him that if I were a fish, I would be a flounder. I just flounder around, in life. Unorganized, unkempt, foggy, vague. Then he kept calling me flounder, all day. Thought he was so funny .. till he had some cross words with the kids, and I was all like, "Ooooooh, if YOU were a fish you'd be a snapper. Snapping at people. Snap snap. SnappppEEEEEEE".

Then he shut up and I shut up and then we fought over the radio station and I won because he listens to fricken Vega and there is only so many times I can listen to Supertramp.


Now I must go and do the grocery shopping for five people, thinking up bold, new and healthy recipe ideas for the week. HAHAHAHAHAHAAAHA.


  1. You have to get out of the mountains ,it's too bloody cold girl !
    Next time you may need to call in advance and get them to heat up the room, to make up for the woman being on the phone for so long !

  2. Oh, E! I can understand that cry. Being ignored is the WORST feeling in the world, especially when it comes out of no where. Hugs.

  3. Don't let the haters get you down - they're just jealous!

    Jen in MD

  4. Don't those people at the massage place know that massages are supposed to be relaxing?

  5. I don't see what there is to hate about you! I read your blog and it makes me laugh...and cry sometimes. You're beautiful and your writing is beautiful.

  6. I love you Eden and I think of you all the time.

    Truer words were never spoken.


    I'm sorry today sucked -- I hope tomorrow is a better day -- wouldn't the world simply be a better place if we actually stood in the presence of other people and acknowledged them? How hard is that? Sheesh -- I'm sorry you were on the shit end of that interaction with something that's supposed to be good and relaxing...




  7. Oh honey, I remember that last massage attempt. I think it's kind of funny that the boss lady got all concerned that you were leaving.

    Screw the haters. I don't even get the hating on you, because your comment was (1) right and (2) not hate inspiring. That whole situation was fucked up though - it is pretty awful how mean that woman was acting. She was just straight up vicious for no reason. Sad.

  8. I'm sitting here eating Peanut Butter Capt. Crunch....!!!
    That's a random statement to take your mind off the haters. F'em!!

    Love you Eden!

  9. Sorry it's been such a rough day. I think I would have left the massage place to after of course giving the boss lady a piece of my mind (small piece I suppose I can't afford to give up too much :)).
    Screw all the haters. I saw all the drama and was just appalled by it. Not surprised really but still saddened that it was taken out on people who really didn't deserve it.
    Hugs to you sweetie.

  10. I cried once on an airplane when everyone on the whole plane got their food except for me. I guess I was really hungry...

  11. Combine beans (any kind), rice and salsa all together and then stuff them with some cheese into several green peppers. Bake at 350 for 45 minutes, top with cheese and put back in the oven just until cheese melts. Healthy (well, depending on how much cheese you put in) and delicious. And CHEAP. And totally easy, especially if you have a rice maker. This is my go-to meal. (helps to parboil the peppers but you don't have to; they just seem a little crunchy if you don't.)

    Babe, you just don't have a lot of space around you for hurt. You've been through too much all your life to have any breathing room for it. Maybe one day that will change but that day is not today. And that's okay. Cry if you need to. Hey, at least you're a flounder and not one of those bottom feeder sucker fishes, right?

    I love you muchly, sister-friend.


  12. Tell me who it was and I will go and dress them down using my very best teacher voice. They will not forget it.

    Flounders are pretty nice honey, and they have sweet delicate flesh. Huge hug from your neighbourhood barracuda


  13. I find that I am so much more attracted to your words/blog because it is not all rosie! I enjoy you just like you are

  14. I'm so sorry the massage went so poorly. I probably would have ended up in tears, too. And why shouldn't you have been upset? A massage is supposed to be about being pampered...which you were far from. Plus, sometimes we just need a good cry.

    Some people are just so unhappy with who they are that they must try to spread the misery. Haters are those people. And why always anon? Spineless.

    If you were all rainbows and puppy dogs, I'm not so sure I could read. You're real and that's what I love about you (and your blog)!


Write to be understood, speak to be heard. - Lawrence Powell

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