Saturday, 28 March 2009

"She Chose Down?"

My heart and head are duking it out as to who is the saddest.

My heart is winning.

A lot of different reasons why. Some days I hate how incredibly fucked up I feel, like the most damaged person in the freaking planet. Like I got broke, but then put myself back together and there were a few parts left over and instead of working out where they go I simply threw them away. So now I have missing parts that I'll never get back.

So today, I took the boys to get some DVDs, bought meat pies, and tried to ignore myself. Because I'm just so damn ANNOYING sometimes, chrissake.

Max and I sat down to watch a movie together - the baby was asleep, Dave was down at the beach, and Widdle Timmy Guyo was working. I told Max I had an AWESOME movie for him, that I first saw many years ago "in the olden days."


OMFG he adored it, as did I. He still has his soccer gear on, we both had our feet on the couch, eating crackers and getting the crumbs everywhere. We are bachelors, when left alone.

I remembered everything in it, the songs, the "hardships un-numbered" speech, the Dance, Magic Dance song. (I didn't realise exactly how tight David Bowies pants were, sheesh. Packed lunch indeed.)

I watched from the eyes of a thirty-seven year old, instead of a fourteen year old. Interesting, seeing how my life has panned out.

The difference was, I DID choose down, in my life. And down and down, over and over again.

I haven't chosen down, in a very very long time. But sometimes, it sure feels like I have.

Stupid feelings.


  1. I'm so sorry about the missing pieces. (((hugs))) favorite movie of all time! "You have no power over me." It's one of the few DVDs that I actually own. I might just have to watch it today!

  2. Ok so I almost spit chocolate milk all over my monitor over that packed lunch comment. Thanks for that. lol.
    Hang in there. Even if there are lost pieces the whole is still a pretty damn fucking fantastic whole.

  3. Packed're hilarious! However, due to my anal retentive qualities, you are not invited to eat crackers on my couch.

    Maybe you think you're missing pieces, but consider that they may have been extra parts that you picked up along the way that you didn't really need.

    I think some of my best days are the ones where I think about how stupid/self-pitying/annoying I am, and decide that while I might wallow for a while, I will eventually get over it. They're my best days because no matter how crazy or depressed I feel, I know it's not my permanent attitude.

  4. I adore you. I really do. I am sorry that you feel there is pieces missing. I know those feelings more than I admit to

  5. I LOVED that movie as a nipper.

    Then I watched it as an adult and couldn't believe I never noticed that Mr Bowie's trousers are so damn tight you can see which way he, um, hangs in them.

    Now I bet you watch it again!



  6. Hopefully you will never be asking the Goblin King to "take this baby far away from me." My sisters thing J looks like Toby in the movie. It makes me look over my shoulder and want to say. "You have no power over me." every time I'm alone in the dark with him.

    That used to be my favorite movie.

  7. Hey Eden - found your blog recently (can't remember where I was, but here I am now). I LOVE it! No holding back for you.

    I'll be back often to keep myself laughing and empathizing (?).

    Great blog.

  8. When I fell pregnant with Rowan I bought a stripey 'Toby Suit'. I had only bought a few baby things before he died - so that Toby suit had very special significance. As if the Goblin King had come and taken him away.

    However, because that movie had a profound impact on my life, I didnt throw away the Tobysuit. All 3 of them wore it as babes, and even now - it is one of the few things i have kept, as it was bought for Rowan.

    Hugs at your missing pieces. It was the fact that you could look in the mirrors and SEE the goblins that made me want to be your friend at school.



Write to be understood, speak to be heard. - Lawrence Powell

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...