My heart and head are duking it out as to who is the saddest.
My heart is winning.
A lot of different reasons why. Some days I hate how incredibly fucked up I feel, like the most damaged person in the freaking planet. Like I got broke, but then put myself back together and there were a few parts left over and instead of working out where they go I simply threw them away. So now I have missing parts that I'll never get back.
So today, I took the boys to get some DVDs, bought meat pies, and tried to ignore myself. Because I'm just so damn ANNOYING sometimes, chrissake.
Max and I sat down to watch a movie together - the baby was asleep, Dave was down at the beach, and Widdle Timmy Guyo was working. I told Max I had an AWESOME movie for him, that I first saw many years ago "in the olden days."
OMFG he adored it, as did I. He still has his soccer gear on, we both had our feet on the couch, eating crackers and getting the crumbs everywhere. We are bachelors, when left alone.
I remembered everything in it, the songs, the "hardships un-numbered" speech, the Dance, Magic Dance song. (I didn't realise exactly how tight David Bowies pants were, sheesh. Packed lunch indeed.)
I watched from the eyes of a thirty-seven year old, instead of a fourteen year old. Interesting, seeing how my life has panned out.
The difference was, I DID choose down, in my life. And down and down, over and over again.
I haven't chosen down, in a very very long time. But sometimes, it sure feels like I have.