Wednesday, 11 March 2009

I'm Old

Exactly thirty years ago, I slipped on some thin, rusted stairs at the side of my house, and sliced my shin neatly open. There was not much blood, and you could see the bone. To this day I can't touch my scar.

Exactly seven years ago, Max was three months old. Dave and I drove down with him to see a movie, Dave and I ended up having an argument so he went by himself, while I pushed Max around in his pram at the shopping centre. I was so, so angry at Dave. I called a friend, telling her I wanted to get a baseball bat and smash Daves car up and get the train home. Alarmed, she talked me off the psychopathic ledge (gee, there are a LOT of ledges in my life!) ... and Daves car emerged unscathed. Lucky.

Exactly thirty-three years ago, my mother packed me and my two sisters up in the car. I remember feeling scared and hurried, like someone was after us. I had buried a bulb in our garden and it was just starting to sprout. I quickly dug it up and rushed over to the confused neighbour and asked her if she could look after it. Then we all drove off without looking back. (I will never, ever understand why my mother chose my fourth birthday to leave our father. Couldn't she have waited one more day? I mean really .. the marriage had been shit from day one).

Exactly three years ago, we all drove down to the Norman Lindsay Art Gallery, where the boys collapsed in a heap on the front lawn so patrons had to step over them. I remember saying through gritted teeth - get up GET UP. Then we went and played 10 pin bowling and Max won. I had the biggest shiniest yearning for another child that I can't describe.

Exactly one year ago, my belly was big and round and I did not need any presents because I had everything I ever wanted plus so much more. Fuck I was happy. (Until, you know ... CANCER. What a big lesson to learn - do not wish for too much, or life will fuck you over.)


Thirtyfreakinseven .... I AM OLD. I'm calling it, "Beginning my Early Late Thirties."

Last year, during yet another night where the whole house was black because Dave couldn't handle ANY lights on, I thought to myself, if we get through this .... I am gonna chuck the biggest fattest party.

And we did, and I am. This Saturday, actual, real - live PEOPLE are coming over to our house. For a big fat party. I'm not even scared/freaked out/paranoid about it. (Yet). Bring it on. What a way to smudge a house! I think maybe forty or fifty people are coming. I did have a celebrant organised, to renew our wedding vows as a big surprise for Dave. But he shit me so much this week that I cancelled the celebrant and got a karaoke machine instead. Why yes, yes I did. That is how things are done, in my life.

The last year, from the age of 36-37, has been the hardest, despicable year of my life. Thank God it's over. Thank God we get to have a party on Saturday.

Most of all, thank YOU. For reaching through my computer and giving me love, hugs, chocolate, funny stories, warmth, compassion. You are all wonderful.

And you are ALL invited to my big fat party on Saturday. Starts at 6pm .... I will provide the food, but you can bring your own alcohol. Fuck it if I'm paying for other people to get drunk! :)

Now, I must go. I need to exchange every single birthday present my wonderful husband bought for me.


  1. I loved every inch of this post. You are better than chocolate!

    Listen here and substitute the word "blog" for the word "love":

    I loved the part about cancelling the celebrant and going karoke instead. Brilliant. As ever.

    Happy Birthday, E!! That last one was a dog year, for sure. May the worst be way behind you ... like the rest of us, all the way!

    Have a great party!



  2. PS I forgive you for calling me "Reeeeeeally Old."

  3. cheppy bezdey yoh toh
    cheppy bezdey yoh toh
    cheppy bezdey yooohhh tooooh
    cheppy bezdey yoh toh

    Happy birthday little sister,
    I love you :)

    Binna Bizarro x

  4. Hope your party is lots of fun. Congratulations on getting through a fu*+ed up year.

  5. Happy Birthday !
    So glad you get to celebrate.

    A karaoke machine hey, hmmm I may have to gate crash ;)

    Have wonderful time xx

  6. OH how I wish I could be there.

    The writing here is beautiful, clear and cutting straight to the heart...I love your writing --and, of course, you!

    Happy Birthday my friend!

    I am almost there, sneaking up behind you -- this too is my 37th year.




    HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOU AMAZING WONDERFUL WOMAN! I am so glad to have been able to know you through this medium!!!

    Have a fantastic birthday, YOU DESERVE IT!!!!!!!!!!

  8. As someone who will be 40 this year, 37 looks pretty damn good. Yeah, karaoke is clearly going to ba much more worthwhile this year than renewing vows. Maybe next year.

    I suggest you adopt my party rules...there are only two:
    1. No vomiting. Not in the house, not in the yard. No vomiting.
    2. You break it, you bought it.

    Makes for much easier clean-up!

    Happy Birthday! Have a great day!

  9. Happy birthday Eden! You are super awesome! I hope this is the best year you have ever had! Enjoy every second!

  10. As a woman who is reluctantly starting her early mid thirties ish, I should point and laugh at 37, should I? You'll remember!


    Happy birthday,


  11. HAPPY BIRTHDAY EDEN!!!!! Wahoo, thirtymphmmm years of you is AWESOME!

    I am totally there at your party. If I could actually hop a plane from Greenland, I would be there in person, drinking a soda (do you call it pop?) right along with you. You made it out alive!!! That's definitely something to celebrate.

    I want to grab my time machine and go back to hug the four-year old you and promise to take care of your flower. And tell you that it will get better. Your childhood breaks my heart.


    You will get a kick out this: I kid you not, Sarge's birthday is in a few days, we invited his family and NOT ONE SINGLE ONE OF THEM IS COMING. My parents are coming of course because they actually LOVE him. I just had to share that with someone who would really get it.

    Love you madly!

  12. Happy Birthday!

    Your mother is a big poop for choosing your birthday for her leaving shenanigans!

  13. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday dear Eden. Happy Birthday to you!!!!!
    I so wish I lived close enough to come to your party. I'm sure it will be fantastic. Oh and if you're old, what does that make me? I'll be 39 in June.

  14. 37? You're still a spring chicken. Although if your party makes the news, they will report you as a 'middle-aged woman'!

    Have a wonderful birthday Eden my lovely and a totally wicked party. I will raise a glass of lemonade in your honour.

  15. Happy Birthday, Eden! I hope you have the bestest, bestest party ever! :-)

  16. I loved the trip through the years. Even though you really don't have that many of them (years, that is).

    Looking into airfares now...



  17. I loved your blog today EDEN!! What special memories of your birthdays -horrible ones too - but all special!

    I hope you have had a big fat wonderful day!!

    I am very sad I can't make it Saturday - I CANT BELIEVE IT!!!!

    Love old one


  18. Here from LFCA....

    Happy Birthday!

  19. Happy birthday, girlfriend!! Wish I could come to the party. Have a blast. Now that you've figured out how to upload video, I'm looking forward to the karaoke videos.

  20. you know I love you- happy birthday. You dont look a day over 14.

  21. Happy birthday, you splendiferous creature, you! I hope your party is amazing and you are bathed in love from near and far. If I was there, I'd serenade you with a sweet karaoke version of "The Final Countdown" or some equivalent 80s cheese.

  22. Happy birthday! Please please please take pictures of the party and post them! Have a great party and celebrate your ass off!

  23. happy, happy birthday!!

    And you can tell I totally mean it, because even though Blogger pisses me the fuck off I persevered!

    (Why is that story about the bulb the saddest thing ever? i would have done the same thing. I like to think it totally lived forever and gave rise to a whole army of descendent bulbs.)

  24. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! I wish so much I could really come to your party and give you the biggest hug. I LOVE KEREOKE TOO!
    37 isn't so bad, is it? It will soon be my next big number too.
    Luv ya!!!

  25. Happy Birthday to Youuuuu
    Happy Birthday to Youuuuuu
    You smell like a monkeyyyyy
    and you act like one tooooooooooo

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY beautiful Eden! How lucky we are to have YOU in this world.

    I added to my earlier post, in case you need to know what prompted it.

    Hey - when are you coming over? You can sit on my couch and get covered in cat hair, you can rummage through my fridge for cheese and pickles, and we can binge on chocolate and watch chick flicks.

  26. Happy Birthday

    I just know 37 is going to rock world the best way possible.

    Have a blast

  27. Happy Birthday!
    You must be a fishy just like me!
    Gotta love us water signs!

  28. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! I hope your party is all that and more. Let that shit-year be behind you and a beautiful new one in front of you!!!

  29. Here from L&F...

    Happy Birthday!!!

  30. Here from LFCA: Happy Birthday!


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