Yesterday, as I was sitting in the massage chair getting a pedicure, I wondered what I would do if a random person walked in and started shooting the place up. Hide behind the chair next to me, probably. And, if I made it out alive and my shopping bags were blood spattered, would I still take them home?
Welcome to my brain.
Then, I heard a baby squawk, and it sounded so cute. Ahh, newborns. A little later, I heard a baby crying so full-on and loud, I shuddered to my core. Newborns, ahhhh!
Welcome to my brain.
Then, I heard a baby squawk, and it sounded so cute. Ahh, newborns. A little later, I heard a baby crying so full-on and loud, I shuddered to my core. Newborns, ahhhh!
I don't miss Rocco as a newborn anymore ..... yet, I still wish I could build a time machine and travel back to May 08 and just cover him with kisses and love and my undivided mother-ness. Instead of being so, so SO entirely traumatised. Instead of taking this photo ... just to see what terror looks like.
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(PHOTO REMOVED ..... sorry, but it kept FREAKING ME THE FUCK OUT.)
I took that photo at midnight, on the worst day of my life. The day of Daves surgery. For some reason, I led my head into believing he wasn't going to make it through the operation. Curse you, vivid imagination. That day was even worse than the day my dad killed himself. Worse than anything. (Check out the pink heart on my shirt ... it looks uncannily like a vagina.)
I'm so totally ok ... just, fascinated by it all, really. Admiring my scars, as it were.
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It's 11.16pm and I have been trying to finish an article all day. The deadline is tomorrow ... I'm back in high school again, writing my homework the night before. I am ridiculous.
It's also March 1st, and I'm blogging every day for a month. March ... I kept thinking that March was the last month of summer. No. No it's not, it's the freakin' first day of Autumn. It's still warm ... but the jig is up. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Here is a happier photo. It's what happens when your baby stays up the entire day with not one nap. Not-a-one, nay nay nay.
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Thank you for your too kind comments on my voice, in the previous post. When I was a child, I had the smallest, peep of a voice. And high pitched, and uncertain. I was painfully shy as a kid. It wasn't until my last year of high school that I toughened up ... when the Anger really started to kick in. My voice got lower, louder, and tougher.
And ha .. I would bat for the other team for all of you, too. You are all hot.
HOWEVER ..... I know naught of this accent of which you speak? Surely you jest? It is not I who has an accent ... I think it is YOU!
Heh.
xo
LMAO, the way I prove others have accents and not I is singing. When singing everyone sounds american usually so therefore the accent is yours.
ReplyDelete;)
I smiled gently to myself watching the other video...and watched it again just to hear your voice.
ReplyDeleteOf course you came into your anger after being a shy little girl. I swear to God woman -- that image that you start with in the salon? It could have come from my brain. I am so glad to have someone to share what I thought were my own crazy unfolding catastrophes -- as strange as that sounds -- as always to come and find I'm not alone.
An awful year -- but look where things are now -- and I love the picture of Rocco (I hear your voice in my head saying his name now :) )
I have such an accent -- if you've heard of the movie Fargo -- a Cohen Bros. film that was popular here a few years ago -- it took place in the part of the country where I'm from --notorious for our accents.
XO
Pam
The photo of Rocco crashed out in the high-chair.....great.
ReplyDeleteI HAVE to take a day, dig through my photos and post some of the boys when they were little. We were horrid to them, especially S2.
I WILL find the photo of him asleep at the table...sitting up...the one where we piled things on his head while he slept through the whole thing and THEN photographed it.
THe statue of limitations on child abuse don't extend till they are 19 years old does it? :)
Love the pic of Rocco sleeping in the high chair. Love it.
ReplyDeleteAnd yeah, I get those images in my brain too like you describe. My most common one is while driving down the highway at around 80 mph imagining what it would be like to crash. Yuck.
So strange to think that summer is winding down there and getting started here.
I was thinking THE same thing when I read everyone's comments about your accent! Poor little Rocco, that silly baby! Doesn't he KNOW he needs a nap during the day?! Look how far you have come from the first picture! I'm am IMMENSELY proud of you! You have battle scars, my friend! Show them off with pride. If ever you want to act like a six year old, just call me up, we'll do it together. Telling all kinds of crude jokes and playing silly pranks on others.
ReplyDeleteHUGS!!!!
I am reading this, just mere moments after getting home from my pedi/mani. No one shot up the place. Whew.
ReplyDeleteNooo summer shouldn't end! Wait, it has to end over there so it warms up here.
Rocco asleep is hiliarious.
YAY for March and lots of Eden!!
I have more than once wondered what I would do if a murderer came rampaging through the shop I was in. And I'm relatively sane, I think ;).
ReplyDeleteRocco's photo is hilarious...
Doesn't everyone think like that? Um, I can't be the only person who looks for exits whenever she goes somewhere, either. Right? I think I saw on tv that playing scenarios and looking for exits are things that people who SURVIVE disasters do. So there. It is totally normal, especially in light of the fact that you are a survivor. :-)
ReplyDeleteOh, and I have another piece of wisdom for you (jeez, I am full of useless info today). Procrastination is a sign of a gifted mind. Enough said.
Hugs,
Stay Low
P.S. your random alert made me laugh!
That picture of sleeping baby cracks me up.
ReplyDeleteI love that you call me Loz. It puts an unstoppable smile on my face.
ReplyDeleteOK, dammit. I'll move the newspapers from under the bed, Fire Freaking Marshall Eden.
Back to your post. Love the Rocco pic! Sorry I'm too late to see the other one. Especially the pink heart on the shirt.
Send summer this way!
Please please please send me a bit of your summer E. I have got to get out of this house! I'm going to scream! I had all these beautifully laid out plans for the weekend, but darn if it didn't snow more this weekend than any other snow in my entire life! Grrr!
ReplyDeleteI get those weird "daymares" too. I hate them. I consider them a sign of too many battles fought. It means I need a break.
Take a break. You have earned it!
He he he. You so totally don't have an accent. And I'd totally take the bags.
ReplyDeleteHahahaha, Rocco! That is too cute. This is why you need to take your naps, my wee maneen! Really, your mama does know best about this one. Give her a break, okay?
ReplyDeleteIf you'd never gotten angry after the childhood you had, you'd have always been a victim. There are many things you are, Eden, but a victim is no longer one of them. You are strong now. You've walked a rough road but it's made you wiser. You've turned into a beautiful woman.
XOXOXOXO
Flicks
PS~It can't be autmun for you yet because I am being hammered by a snowstorm even as I type. It must still be summer there.
ReplyDeletexo
Flicka
I don't have an accent either. It MUST be everybody else.
ReplyDeletexx
J
Rocco thinks naps are for babies and he's not a baby! (That's what my boys think, too)
ReplyDelete