Tuesday, 17 February 2009

The Woman Who Dreamt She Was a Flea

.... or, I could be a flea who is just DREAMING I am a woman.

The other day I was talking to my sister about fleas. "Remember our cat Buffy? Remember how many fucking FLEAS she would have on her?"

Linda remembered. We used to look down at our feet, and our ankles would have about ten fleas each on them. Disgusting. We all had our own methods to kill them ... I would pick mine off one by one and wash them down the sink. Or, slice them neatly in half with a fingernail and flick them off on to the carpet.

"Remember how the fleas used to go nuts after de-fleaing!!" Linda didn't remember that bit, but I sure as hell did. When the fleas got so bad that mum had to call the flea guy, he would come and spray. For a few days after, the fleas would go PSYCHO. It was repulsive, you could see them jumping through the air, trying to bite everything they could. They never went without a Last Stand.

It dawned on me recently, after the herbs from the naturopath sent me SO TOTALLY CRAZY AND FUCKED UP and Daves all like, HOW much did you pay for that again??!!! I lost the plot big time, and accidentally forgot to blog it. Wailing, gnashing of teeth, etc.

And then?

I am better. I am now officially off the looney list, and expected to make a full recovery. (Whoops - can I use that word? Is it trademarked?)

Last year I would google random phrases containing the words "wife pregnant husband cancer help all fucked up" .... I really wanted to find somebody out there like me. I didn't, but recently I have found two other women in a similar circumstance that I was, so now I can be their trailblazer.

I remember a guy sharing in a Knitters Anonymous meeting a few years ago .... "I am where someone else once was. Someone else will be where I am now." He was talking about the ebb and flow, how we move and grow, learn and change. Sometimes trailblazing, sometimes following the trail marked by others.

It was the herbs that pushed me over the finish line, in the end. At first they sent me spinning around with wild emotion, like one of the scores of fleas I met in my childhood during the eighties. Except, of course, the fleas died. I have gotten well. It feels so good, true, and real. Of course, nothing will ever be the same again. My sense of safety will probably never return, I will not be surprised by anything ever again. Anything can happen, in life. Good or bad, we never know. Half of the people who learn they have Non-Hodgkins lymphoma are still alive five years after their initial diagnosis. So, whatever. I'm with Dave on this one ... totally doing an ostrich with my head firmly in the sand. At first I thought, "OH MY GOD YOU WILL NEED A FULL BODY SCAN EVERY FREAKIN WEEK."

But that is impossible. So. There we have it. Somebody once told me that "Happiness is the space between problems." Guess I'm happy, then.


Our Valentines weekend away was good. I sat in the car on Valentines Day, plucking my chin hair in the rear view mirror while Dave was sitting right next to me, on the phone to a client. Ahhhhh, true love.

I missed the boys dreadfully. We saw Slumdog Millionaire, which was fantastic. Then I saw He's Just Not That Into You by myself ..... Dave got bored by Valkyrie, ha ha. We met each other in the lobby afterwards, and I hugged him and said ... "You are my Ben Affleck!" But, then we had an argument in the car on the way home and I jumped out and stomped off in the rain, crying, thinking, "Who does this? Who goes away with their spouse and ends up crying in the rain!?"

Apparently me. I ended up going back to the car, I was getting too wet. Was a ve-ry silent trip home.

We got home and my mother had cooked up a storm oh my God the food. We've lived off her meals all week, blessed relief not having to come up with meal ideas every freakin' night.


Yesterday I walked in to the kitchen to see the baby sitting in the highchair, next to Dave. What was littered all over the high chair tray? Why ... it was roast peanuts, almonds, and cashews of course! The baby was just sitting there, playing with his nut stash.


After I scooped my exploded brains from the floor, I demanded an explanation from Dave. (In a really calm way, promise.) He said that he gave Rocco the box of nuts to "shake", like a rattle.

I tried my hardest but could not find "nut rattle" written in ANY of my baby books. Anyone?


I'm getting this pic blown up and giving it to Dave as a surprise. The other day I went "MATE! You have THREE sons!!"

He laughed and said "No I don't."

Sometimes, I quite envy his brain.


  1. One of the sayings my husband uses all the time is "Out like a flea" when we are getting the boys out of their car seats. Apparently, his mother used to say it to them all the time. Sadly, Isaac swears he totally understood what she meant with that saying because they too had millions of fleas. I am not sure why I had to tell you that, but it came to mind when I saw the first part of your post.

    Jeez, those were some powerful herbs! I am glad you are off the looney list now.

    While I wish you didn't have to be a trailblazer, it makes me smile to see that you are able to help others who are in the same situation as you. I feel the same way about preemie moms. If I can help, I try to do whatever I can. Knowing others had similar feelings as I did helped me tremendously, so I am trying to return the favor to the universe--sort of my way of saying thank you for giving me my beautiful boys.

    Beautiful picture of the boys. They're all so handsome!

  2. I want SO badly to be a trailblazer! I'm sure I will get there one day, but for the time being I will look at others who have survived things and KNOW that I will survive, too. I'm glad your herbs are helping, that's AMAZING! That photo is great! how you should make a father's day card with it! HUGS, my dear.

  3. So glad you are feeling better. Hugs to you.

  4. Man I used to hate the fleas! they used to chew me up something fierce.
    I like that.....happiness is the space between problems. something to look towards, something to strive for.
    beautiful family you have there :)

  5. I heard recently: Happy is having something to do, something to love, something to look forward to.

    But I like the happiness happens between the problems too. Although, even in the thick of it, glimpses of happy shine in. Inappropriate laughter at the wrong time makes me happy (especially if it makes others uncomfortable).

    I am glad you aren't a crazy fucking flea anymore. Gawd fleas are gross, even pinching them with your fingernails doesn't kill them properly... ewww I just got the heeby jeebies.

    Being a trailblazer is not what you wanted, but you, no doubt, are such a good person to have here. Holding hands across the virtual worlds. Even though our lives are very different, I appreciate every hug and hand holding you have to offer, happy or not, crazy flea or not.


  6. It is so true, the being somewhere now where someone once was and someone will be. I had a serious tragedy when 19, well I had 3 but one put me over the edge big time. I kept looking for others in the same boat and could not find those eyes that got it. Years later I was those eyes to another and it was amazing.

    I think this blog IF world is a lot like that too, all these women who truly"get it" and give me those eyes, except through their comments and blogs. It DOES make a difference, it does make it better. YOU do make a difference, you DO make it better for us all too.

    So glad you are doing better my friend.

    Much much love.

    And for what it's worth you have never crossed any ANY anon lines in ANY way whatsoever!!!!!

  7. I need to read this post, but answer your email dammit!

  8. Oi! Damn soggy laptop and spotty google, I missed a post. Sorry I'm late! Just as well. The other's won't have to scroll past my rediculous long comment and roll their eyes. :)

    Girl, I've missed you. Here is some wind-baggy comment love:

    I'm thinking you have to do a children's book of this flea-dreaming-woman thing. :) I can picture the illustrations. :) :)

    Loved the image of the herbal effect being like the wretched, kamikazi fleas after the bomb. (Not, however, loving that you had to go through that to write the cool analogy.)

    I loved the (pause) "... I am better." I have so been there, done that. Five times a week: Not okay. NOT OKAY. ... Better. Not composed. NOT COMPOSED. ... Composed. I can hear your delicate sigh and I join you: ~I am better~

    Yea, I got my eye on that trademark. (Speaking of losing the plot.)

    BTW, I hate it when that happens -- the lost plot. Don't you think we ought to have a beeper installed on our respective ones? That would be so helpful. Great expression, BTW.

    Trailblazing is exhausting, isn't it? There was a blogger who recently went through a hellish pediatric medical crisis ... the first thing I did was get onto the message boards and look for some BTDT moms to hook her up. I wish I could have done the same for you. (!)

    "My sense of safety will probably never return" ... that one made me 'ooofff.' Ya got me. That's the bitch of it. I was just thinking today ... how bulletproof I felt when I was younger. And how crazy that was ... crazy ... but comfortable.

    "I will not be surprised by anything ever again." I do hope you will be surprised by some good things yet.

    "I'm with Dave on this one ... totally doing an ostrich with my head firmly in the sand." Hey, there's something to be said for living in the moment. It's just a tough trick for some of us. Personally, I just can't keep my damn sticky fingers off of the controls.

    LOL the chin hairs and the business call. You've got me thinking what the equivalent pose is here ... hmmm ... scary .... :)

    "Who does this? Who goes away with their spouse and ends up crying in the rain!?" Raises hand and deliberately doesn't look around. Well, I'm not much of a cryer. I'm a yeller. How's that working for me, you ask? About as well as you think.

    Amen to a big break from meal planning.

    OMG. I had a perfect moment post from the week that I was sick last month ... where I came into the kitchen (already up to my eyeballs in the "moms are not allowed to get sick" treatment) and found Mike beaming and bragging that the baby was eating (PEANUT BUTTER!) well! LOOK!! He likes it!! Of ~course~ he does. Because he's not supposed to eat it for another year and a half!! You put it so much better than I did. "After I scooped my exploded brains from the floor" ... that's it exactly. Of course when I went to write the post and I googled for a link to prove the point, I found out the peds here have changed their minds about nuts ... as of last month. Figures.

    LOVE the pic. Good lookin boys. Love Dave's brain. And you, too.

  9. Oh, Dave! I had to laugh. Have you ever seen/heard of the that American TV show "My Three Sons?" I haven't watched much of it but that's what I thought of when I saw your three gorgeous boys.

    Nut rattle?! Next time try metal keys and small objects. Also, do you have any honey around the place?

    SO glad the herbs are done freaking you out and that you're feeling better. Cleansed! Yay! When you said you could be a trailblazer, I accidentally read it as "tranquilizer." Whoops! Either way, while I'm not glad you've suffered, I AM glad that you're redeeming it for good and turning all of that darkness into a light for someone else's path. That is the best way to live life.

    Freedom and now light. You're moving in a good direction, Eden!


  10. Oh God how I hated flea infestations. I remember my Dad spraying for them in the summer. We (me and the dogs) would throw up for days. Ugh.

    I'm so glad that you're off the looney list and getting better. (((hugs)))

    Wow! That man of yours makes beautiful boys!!!

  11. Eden. Email me your address. Please? If you don't, I'm going to have to come there and kick your fucking ass. Oh wait, I wouldn't be able to find you because I have lost your address!

  12. So much in this post to comment on, but I have a big day tomorrow (click on by) and need to get some sleep.

    So, briefly:
    Fleas ... EWWWW!
    Herbs — glad you're feeling better.
    Nut rattle — MEN!!! WTF!
    Ostrich — whatever works.
    Photo — PRICELESS!



Write to be understood, speak to be heard. - Lawrence Powell

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