Tuesday, 24 February 2009

Stuff and Bother

Remission. It's a funny kind of word, really. Lately I have been looking at Dave, at his cool sideburns that he grows for me because he knows I love them ... looking at his hair, and I just can not believe that he was so bald and so sick and we all got through totally SCATHED, but we are still alive.

I remember coming home from hospital with Rocco last year, and a whole big fat juicy plantation of mushrooms were in the front garden. Huge, motherfucking mushrooms that must have been growing for AG-ES. Months. Instantly I grew FULL of rage, and smashed and kicked them all one by one, not even stopping to put the baby down. Oh my goodness I was so angry - at the mushrooms, at Dave, at myself ... mostly at his tumours, that secretly grew and grew right under our noses and we didn't even know.

I'm only just now, just this morning, in fact .... turning to look towards Dave again. I had to pull back so much from him .... all I could do was be a mother and that's it. Nothing else. Sorry sweetheart, you must save yourself. I have my hands full of nappies and school homework and weeping despair. Go away. And take your cancer with you.

I went to a womens meeting yesterday, which was so frickin' awesome. Somebody was sharing about how she cried when she came to this meeting, and she didn't know why. I know why ... because it's real, and true ... we come together to talk honestly and openly about trying to live our lives the best way we know how. It is raw and ugly and beautiful, our shared stories and pain. It helps.

I shared last, and accidentally had everybody in stitches laughing. I let loose a bit when I share (surprised?) ..... sometimes shit comes tumbling out of my mouth and I had no idea I was even feeling that way. I only had five minutes to talk, so I was like this machine gun of swearing, craziness, and inappropriate laughter. About how I keep getting addicted to things, anything that makes me feel good I just abuse the hell out of it. I now SALIVATE on my way to pump class. I freakin' pump those weights so very hard, it just feels so bloody good. And how tired my poor body is after the assault I give it four days a week.

I shared, laughing, how I randomly wished lately that I was in a dingy hotel room getting wasted ... how utterly vile that would be but the wanting to do it still brought pain. After all these years! How I know that underneath the surface of that it's just my desire to turn off, to have no feelings, no emotions, or sadness, just numb.

But, I don't really want numb. I am living a life beyond my wildest dreams. I have so much to be grateful for, beautiful children, beautiful house, beautiful hubbie (when he's not being a know-it-all-turdburger) .. and not just stuff ... things deep and real. Self-worth, acceptance, and self-respect. You cannot buy these things from any shop. I'm so blessed.

The music guy for Slumdog Millionaire won a few Oscars yesterday, he spoke of how, travelling through his life, he always had two choices. Love and hate. He said it would have been easy to just hate hate hate. But he chose love ... and ended up right where he was.

I need to stop hating so much, and just love. It's probably more simple than I think.

Blogging crisis lately .... wondering how many more haters are out there, why do I even blog, it's just silly, etc. My answer .... as usual, I will do the EXACT OPPOSITE of what my brain tells me. So for the whole month of March I will post every day, like my own personal NaBloPoMo.

Because the world needs more gibberish from a nutjob.


Nine months old .... Baby has his first tooth! Mummy had to explain to Baby that millions of babies across the entire world are teething every single day ... for the love of God, Baby .... you are going to be ok.

I need to go now, I can hear him playing with the toilet again.


  1. i try not to overshare here but i do in real life instances.

    did baby understand about the teething crisis? if so what did you say. Austin could use that peptalk - he is getting his eye teeth and I may very well lose my shit if he cries continuously tomorrow for the 5th day in a row

  2. I don't know how you do the woman's group - or any group for that matter. I am unable to open up in front of other people. If I let my emotions out verbally, it just ends up with crying (if it's most people) or screaming and crying (if it's my husband). You must be incredibly articulate.

    I'll be glad to hear from you every day - or seeing more pictures of your lovely boys.

  3. Remission...how I wish for it...

    Looking forward to hearing from you every day.

  4. Those meetings are safe, aren't they! From one who wouldn't EVER think I'd get one bit of good or feel comfortable in a "group" meeting, Al-Anon was the best thing that ever happened to me. It's alway amazing that we can be so honest, raw, and laugh our dysfunctional heads off like we all had good sense. I LOVE IT! Best wishes for your hubs continued good health, baby's comfort while teething and good blogging! Looking forward to it!

  5. Glad the meeting was great. And other things sound like they're going pretty good too.
    As far as why we blog? definitely not for the negative nellies who just want everyone else to feel as bad as they do. We do it for ourselves and our online friends so that we all know we're all ok and a little fucked up too. No one's perfect and no one has a problem free life. The negative nellies can go bitch to one another.

  6. I recently found your blog, and have read most of this, and some of your other one. I really love how you write.

    I wanted to leave a comment on this post because I also have a 9 month old and he loves the toilet. If I turn my back for 2 seconds he's made a beeline for the bathroom. I'm ok with it as long as I don't find him with his mouth on the seat or the floor, which happens quite frequently, because, well, he puts his mouth to everything...

  7. You're not going to be terribly surprised when I tell you that I make G grow out his sideburns and the combo of shaved head and sideburns? Yum.

    That made me laugh.

    I envy your women's group -- I haven't found much of a community in real life which makes this forum all the more powerful...and I am thrilled you'll be blogging all month -- selfishly, I love to hear from you!!

    Look how big your little man is getting -- it seems impossible.

    Love vs. hate -- I think about that all the time -- the conscious turn towards love when I can -- not always easy, mind you, I have a nasty interior voice -- but whenever there's someone who's the object of my wrath it gives me a great opportunity to find out more about my own heart.

    I just feel better if I can act with love. I fail all the time, but all we can do is try -- and if that fails, find a good friend to share the snarky comments with!



  8. Love more, hate less. I need to do that.

    Blog more, overshare, it's therapeutic. And entertaining.


  9. You're my hero, Eden. I love how you just tell your mind to fuck off and enjoy the daily posts you're doing in March.

    And how brilliant you are that you can see that urge to be numb, and yet know it's not what you truly want. That is true wisdom, my darling, and you have it in spades.

  10. The toilet! LOL!

    Samster and Rocco are on the same schedule again...Sam is cutting another tooth, too. And dyyyiiing. They must be channeling each others' pain across the ocean. Soul brothas!

    Babe, you should be leading women's meetings. Really. Sharing all you've been through, your testimony of survival and thrival. (See, I'm even making up new words for you!) You're so much more amazing than you know.

    Have you heard the song "You Invite Me In" by Meredith Andrews? If not, it's available on iTunes or you can probably sample it on youtube. I think it would speak to you as you think about love and healing.

    Hearting you much!

  11. WOOO every day for a WHOLE month?! That's great! I'm glad your women's group helps. I've been thinking about looking for something like that at the hospital here in town. I think it might be good for me. Maybe I'll get over myself if I find one ;o) I'm also so glad you're feeling all of it, even though it may not be a "good" feeling. HUGS, my dear!

  12. Yes. Must. Have. More. Gibberish.




  13. 1. I'll be glad to see a post from you every day!

    2. Good luck with explaining that teething thing, mine still doesn't understand my well reasoned re-assurances.

  14. I got to get me a group of peeps I can just chat it up with. I wonder... do you think my childhood teddy bears might be a good substitute for now?

  15. I can not wait until my baby does something. And then I realize with that, comes shit like teething. Ugh. Good luck with that.

    Hey - I would love to be addicted to working out. I'm going to start back at the gym next week. Maybe i'll get the itch like you?


Write to be understood, speak to be heard. - Lawrence Powell

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