Tuesday, 27 January 2009

The Sun in my Son

Me: "Can I take a photo of your scar and post it onto my blog?"

Dave: Laughs, shakes his head in disbelief.

He won't let me ..... but his scar looks so cool. It's a thick, angry line, coming straight down his belly and stops just before his belly button. So it looks like an exclamation mark. I told him his scar is saying ..."OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED!!!" Because it was all just so quick - about to have a baby, husband gets sore tummy, thinks it's a hernia but was some tumours instead, exploratory surgery, BAM. Welcome to cancerland.

I'm now having flashbacks, strange and freaky and spinning me out. I want to just be over this already, but it's taking a while to process. I take a lot of pride in the things I have already overcome in my life ... but this one, this is a biggie. I saw my friend recently, nine months pregnant and about to pop. We were in a crowded cafe ... I wanted to lean over, and whisper in her ear .... "Imagine finding out your husband had cancer, right now when you are so pregnant."

The thought startled me and made me feel sick.

I went to the GP, he asked me how I was going. I didn't really know .. then I got home and the word came. Traumatised. Completely fucking traumatised.

My bloggy peep had a baby recently, and wrote ... "the first two weeks are just so hard." And I thought of Roccos first two weeks. And felt sick again.

Our family is truly on the up, though. Shifting and changing shape again. Intellectually, I knew that my marriage took a massive hit last year, but we have just been playing catch-up now. Dave and I bunkered down to save ourselves, but now we are coming back to each other again. Like how it was before he got diagnosed .... how it was when I was pregnant. He is strong again, and so am I.

It was a turbulent Christmas time, which was a shame.

Last week, Max called me into his room to show me his drawings. This one .....

.... was hanging on his wall. He explained it to me.

"Ok. So, here are the two parents. Fighting, fighting fighting. The baby is locked outside and has done a poo in its pants and it's crying. The middle-sized brother has gone for a drive to the shop with the oldest brother. The parents are arguing so loud that the bricks and wood are falling down."

I stared at the picture, and gently asked, "So did the parents ever stop arguing?"

He said they did.

"And, how did the middle-sized brother feel?"

"Oh, he was ok."

I have been loving on Max so much, this past week. All of my energy has gone in to having happy and fun family time. We all went swimming together at the pool. We stayed down in a fancy hotel in Sydney for one, night, impromptu ... Max and I had to go to the chemist to buy us all toothbrushes and we wore our same clothes again the next day. To celebrate Australia Day, we ate four different kinds of gelato from Leichardt - pavlova, beer, lamington, and vegemite.

Tip: don't ever eat vegemite gelato.

Maxs "angry parents" picture has stayed up on his wall, but he has thrived under my attention and love this week. Tonight, we were in the shower and he goes "Mum, I just love you. You don't even have to try. I love you so much."

I said it was the best, most awesomest thing I have ever heard in my life. I told him again how proud I am of him for handling last year like he did. I told him I love being his mum more than anything else in the whole world.

He goes into Year Two tomorrow. His clothes are laid out on his bedroom floor "in the shape of a boy." His lunch is packed, textbooks are labelled, and his Spirit is nurtured.


I'm about to blog much, much more. Renewed, refreshed and recovered ... the Hiatus is over. My spring has suddenly sprung, in the middle of summer!! Woot!!!



  1. Oh Eden...I think this was my favorite post ever of yours.

    The picture was like a kick in my gut, I can't imagine how yours felt!

    It is true that life marches on and we do "recover" from the traumas that have grabbed us. We don't forget, we just deal with them better as time goes on.

    I will make you a deal...if you get a photos of Dave's scar, I will post a photo of BigD's scar. It is nasty. He is telling everyone that he was in a bar fight and was stabbed...(what a jerk;)

    Oh and just so you know, I think Dave is hot. There, I said it. He has a 'tude' about him...the whole bad boy thing going on. Hey, I am old, NOT DEAD :)

    I hope your flashbacks start to fade to the point where they are tiny brief blinks instead of flashes. I have been flashing some myself about something that happened 11 years ago so I know how those thoughts and feelings can grab you by the eyeballs and squeeze.

    Looking forward to you being back more regularly :)

  2. Yea! Eden's here today!

    Been thinking of you. Deep into winter cabin fever here; so good to hear you out there. PT that finding your way back to your personal 'normal' gets a better every day.

    Puffy hearts,

    D. was here.

  3. Oh Eden.


    *big goofy grin*

    G and I love those self-photo shots too -- though I think you have long and lovely arms -- I, not so much - have to give it over to G...

    I'm so impressed that Max can express himself so well -- how safe he must feel with you that he can -- he's so lovely -- you can just feel it...

    I have to believe that like that Jill Bolte Taylor talk -- the woman who survived the stroke and lived to tell about it -- she talked about the circuitry of the brain -- and how its rerouted and rewired -- how it can be -- and I have to believe this is how it happens -- day by day with gelato and impromptu hotel stays and sandy days at the beach, and lots of physical affection...

    it rewires us...

    I love to hear from you my friend -- and I LOVE your new official website....so fancy (include accent here on the fancy)


    Good luck in school Max!



  4. Traumatised...but on your way back. That sounds wonderful.

    Vegemite gelato. That sounds disgusting. What's wrong with chocolate?

    Glad things are looking up.

  5. I am so happy for you, Eden. You went through a life tsunami and although it seemed like drowning was the only option at times, you held on and survived. Max really helped ground you at times. He is such a special person. He reminds me of my son, who has saved my life over and over. I believe you will be the love of Max's life forever, even when he is married and has his own family, you will be his best love.
    Forgive yourself on Rocco's first few weeks. I can see the twinkle in his eyes and in his smile that he is a very loved, very happy boy.

  6. The pic of you and Dave is lovely; what a gorgeous couple you two make :-)

    And Max? OMG, how awesome is he? I think my heart melted into a little puddle when you shared how he told you he loved you. What a lovely, and loved, boy--as is Rocco. Go easy on yourself for those early weeks; a new baby is hard work, even when you're not dealing with exploratory surgery that segues into the 'big C' and the fight of (your and) Dave's lifetime.

    I love your joy, how palpable it is, and how happy you are. May it only continue to get better and better!

  7. The flashbacks SUCK, to put it lightly. But I've found that the more I allow them to come, as much as that sucks, too. They tend to be less traumatic. Max is a beautiful young man! He's expressing himself so great. Keep doing what you're doing, because CLEARLY you're doing it right!

  8. I would have taken your advice about the vegemite gelato even before hearing it, but it's good to know.

    It is beautiful that Max can speak his heart to you so clearly and with so much faith that it is safe to do so. I can imagine that it must have hurt to see that picture, but truly, it is confirmation that you are not only loving being his mom, but you are rocking it hardcore. And I love that he says you don't even have to try. Sounds like your boy was completely and utterly meant for you, and that he is bringing healing to you.

    I just completely fucking love you, Eden. Hell yes, we would have been best friends at school! Keep up the good work of being yourself!

  9. It is soooo nice to have you back!
    Family in tact!
    Love the picture of you and Dave!

  10. I love this. And I love that Max - what a kid! And vegemite gelato sounds like possibly the most disgusting thing ever invented - and this from a girl who LOVES her vegemite.

    That picture. Keep it somewhere to remind you of how low you can get when life gets on top of you - and how far you can climb out of that pit. It would have been hard to see, tough to listen to his explanation - but all I could think was "wow this kid is safe enough to be honest with you". Awesome.

    Love you.

  11. I LOVE this post! I love how much Maxie just completely loves you, angry fights and all. The walls and bricks may fall down but 'he loves you and you don't even have to try'. I'm 39 and getting lessons on parenting from my 7 year old nephew, I love it!

    As for the picture, hmm, I wonder what you (or me, or Leigh) would have drawn at 7 years of age. And if we'd been able to fight our fear and drawn our most honest feelings like Maxie did, what the punishment would have been! I hate to think).
    I love you brozette, more than you will ever ever EVER know

    Linda xoxox

  12. You have been traumatized and it will take a while to get all of that processed and to move on. I'm glad that the process seems to be going a little better for you lately. And wow. What a drawing from Max and sure makes you think. You sound like you have a fantastic relationship with him. Hugs to you and I hope things continue to improve for all of you.

  13. This is such a lovely post to read. What a totally special person Max is and a wonderful role model for Rocco. Despite what you have gone through you are clearly doing a great job as their mother.

    But you have seriously disturbed my equilibrium this morning. I love that salty pastes black little heart but Vegemite gelato...WTF?

  14. Oh, I'm so glad to hear from you. I was starting to get really, really worried.

    Max's picture...wow. Ouch. It's great that he can express himself, that he doesn't keep it bottled up inside where it can all hurt him. He is truly special that one; such a bright spirit and a big heart.

    I'm sending you hugs and healing thoughts for your flashbacks. You have been through Hell, my friend but you are coming through to the other side now. So many good days are ahead of you!


  15. I am recovering from the Vegimite gelato Yuck ! And I love vegimite!

    I love that photo of you guys you are gorgeous. And your little Max is totally amazing and keeps blowing me away.

    Great to hear you are back.

  16. It is soooooo great to hear you coming through, slowly but surely the best way possible.
    Max is soooo frickin awesome and sweet and precious I just wanna hug him soooooooo tight!!!

    Much love my friend, I hope your days are filled with so much laughter.

  17. Ah Max...what a wise little boy!

    Vegemite gelato does sound like ass.

  18. All your boys are gorgeous Eden, but that Max is one out of the box. So insightful of him to express that yeah bad things have happened but it's over and I'm ok. And he's ok because you have made him feel secure and loved the whole time, probably at your own expense.

    Thank g_d he drew that picture last week and not this week at school. Can you imagine that awkward parent/teacher phone call?!

    Perhaps the flashbacks are telling you that you are ready to deal with everything. Do you have someone to help you? What about a Cancer Council support group for families? A PTSD specialist? I don't know - I'm talking out my ass again. I'm just worried about you sweetheart. Please take care.

  19. Man, that angry parents drawing just hurts my heart.

    Vegemite gelato? Vegemite is one piece of Aussie culture I just can't get into, my Boy has developed a taste for it, though. He's going to be True Blue, I reckon.

  20. I loved this post so much.

    Kids say so much through their drawings.

    I have never had vegemite- i think that's an australian staple?


Write to be understood, speak to be heard. - Lawrence Powell

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