Dear Big Lizard Who Lives Near the Front Door,
PLEASE stop scaring the crap out of me every time I walk outside. You look like a freaking snake - please start acting more lizard-like. I know it's hot and you need to rest in the shade, but you are shaving years off my life.
Scared Lady who Screams
Thank you. I love you. You have cracked me open and warmed me up from the deepest winter I have ever known. Like, some kind of fucked-up fairy tale. Thank you for the heatwave. I love it, and have already started to feel sad that you cannot stay here forever. Apparently, my peeps in America are going to need you soon, so I shall begrudgingly share you.
The Fair-Skinned Sun Worshipper
Dear Manufacturers of Clothing,
It's SUCH a coincidence that you ALL have made size 12 so small, since I had the baby *ahem*. I hope you correct your error soon *ahem*.
Yummy Mummy Wannabe
Dear Melancholy Mood,
Go AWAY already! C'mon ..... newsflash, the cancer crisis is over! Give me a break. I'm going to the gym and eating right - why must you persist in hanging around me like a bad smell? I'm hoping that if I ignore you, you will go away. Otherwise I may have to pull out the Big Guns.
Sad Traumatised Woman
Dear Bloggy Peeps,
I heart you a million times, think of you often, and wonder how you are. Visiting your blogs makes me feel like I have stepped into my grandmothers house and she has made a warm batch of pikelets just for me ... FOR DINNER. I'm sorry I have not commented much lately, but I simply cannot do the drive-by comment. I need more time. Oh ..... and I so have not forgotten the parcels. It's just, there's a lot, and I'm trying to not buy a shitload of Made in China crap to post, and make them all thoughtful for you, etc. I promise to try harder.
Dear Dead Dads,
Halfway through Pump class last week, it suddenly occurred to me. I am stronger than both of my dads put together. You have failed, at life.
And I have not.
You both ripped my heart out in more ways than you will ever, ever know. That pain did not "shape who I have become." I have shaped who I have become. Sucks to be you. (But I hope you are ok and not in purgatory like that priest told me once.)
That Red Haired Girl You Never Bothered to Stay Alive For.
You are like Benjamin Button - growing younger every day. You look hot again. The thought of losing you is unbearable. Please stay well.
Your Wife (Wife! We got married hahaha!)
I forgive You.