Friday, 30 January 2009


Dear Big Lizard Who Lives Near the Front Door,

PLEASE stop scaring the crap out of me every time I walk outside. You look like a freaking snake - please start acting more lizard-like. I know it's hot and you need to rest in the shade, but you are shaving years off my life.

Scared Lady who Screams


Dear Sun,

Thank you. I love you. You have cracked me open and warmed me up from the deepest winter I have ever known. Like, some kind of fucked-up fairy tale. Thank you for the heatwave. I love it, and have already started to feel sad that you cannot stay here forever. Apparently, my peeps in America are going to need you soon, so I shall begrudgingly share you.

The Fair-Skinned Sun Worshipper


Dear Manufacturers of Clothing,

It's SUCH a coincidence that you ALL have made size 12 so small, since I had the baby *ahem*. I hope you correct your error soon *ahem*.

Yummy Mummy Wannabe


Dear Melancholy Mood,

Go AWAY already! C'mon ..... newsflash, the cancer crisis is over! Give me a break. I'm going to the gym and eating right - why must you persist in hanging around me like a bad smell? I'm hoping that if I ignore you, you will go away. Otherwise I may have to pull out the Big Guns.

Sad Traumatised Woman


Dear Bloggy Peeps,

I heart you a million times, think of you often, and wonder how you are. Visiting your blogs makes me feel like I have stepped into my grandmothers house and she has made a warm batch of pikelets just for me ... FOR DINNER. I'm sorry I have not commented much lately, but I simply cannot do the drive-by comment. I need more time. Oh ..... and I so have not forgotten the parcels. It's just, there's a lot, and I'm trying to not buy a shitload of Made in China crap to post, and make them all thoughtful for you, etc. I promise to try harder.

Topcat XOXOX


Dear Dead Dads,

Halfway through Pump class last week, it suddenly occurred to me. I am stronger than both of my dads put together. You have failed, at life.

And I have not.

You both ripped my heart out in more ways than you will ever, ever know. That pain did not "shape who I have become." I have shaped who I have become. Sucks to be you. (But I hope you are ok and not in purgatory like that priest told me once.)

That Red Haired Girl You Never Bothered to Stay Alive For.


Dear Dave,

You are like Benjamin Button - growing younger every day. You look hot again. The thought of losing you is unbearable. Please stay well.

Your Wife (Wife! We got married hahaha!)


Dear God,

I forgive You.

Love Eden
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