Sunday, 11 January 2009

I Motherfucking Love These Photos

Dave was a few months away from death, when Rocco was born. "Lucky" for us his tumours got detected when they did. In this photo, you do not see a father who is wondering if his new baby will ever know him. You just see a father, loving and teaching his baby a new toy. Simple. We never knew if this photo could ever, ever happen. But it did, and I took it, and the baby loves dada so much, and what a fucking relief I can let go of it all because everybody seems to be ok now ...

Most people annoy the crap out of me. I am what Nicholas Cage add-libbed in Leaving Las Vegas when he fell over onto the freshly smashed glass .... a prickly pear. People let you down. They say silly things. They engage in mindless chit-chat. I am different to most people. A few times I have told some people that last year was the worst year of my entire life. ALL of them have told me that it couldn't have been ... I mean, look, I had a baby didn't I?

Why yes, I did.

Thing is, having a baby during your husbands cancer battle does not, repeat NOT, make things better. It made everything so, so much worse. I can't even describe.

But this photo - this photo does not show a mother crying crying crying chopping veggies up for dinner, holding her fresh sore c-section scar, iPod blaring Guns n Roses to drown out the inconsolable baby screaming in the other room.
This photo shows a baby chilling on the beach, playing with sand, laughing and forgiving his mama over and over again.

(Oh and it also shows a BRAND NEW PEDICURE. Last time I had one was over a year ago. Memo to pedicure lady ... I am just so , so sorry you had to do that).


  1. Brilliant post, E.

    I can't believe people corrected you when you said last year was the worst year of your life. I am completely stoned by the fact that so many people seem to have such a black hole of an empathy defect. To me it is no wonder that you are prickly. How does anyone withstand all the casual brutality and ~not~ become prickly?

    Puffy hearts.

    D. was here

  2. Fantastic photos. I'm sorry people are just idiots sometimes. Some people just don't get it. Never will either.

  3. I wrote once about that moment where you meet someone who gets it:

    "oh there you are"

    "I SEE you"

    I think people don't take time to stop and see one another -- if that makes sense -- to see the other person requires, after all, seeing yourself --

    I was just thinking how I totally suck at small talk...and was just thinking perhaps I had some personality flaw -- and here I come across your post and feel, again, among someone who sees me.

    I hope you can feel it -- even across all that space -- "hi, there you are...I see you"

    and looking at the pictures of Dave and Rocco --- my GOD he and G seem similar to me. I adore those photos --

    I love Palemother's term 'casual brutality' -- that is what it is -- so much of it.

    I love you Eden. You know that though, I hope you feel it -- all the way across those waves.



  4. Nice pedicure babe. Yummy feet!

    And great photos. Made me smile. Actually the penis ones made me splurt coffee thru my nose.

    Glad to read you and smile. Big hugs

  5. Sometimes I wonder if I am that person who is annoying (in general). It's hard to know what to say sometimes and I think I get carried away trying to empathize. HOWEVER, it does seem kind of obvious that a new baby + cancer of the husband = pretty shitty. I can't see how the stress of a new baby would in any way make the stress of cancer more bearable. Unless there's something about sleep deprivation that no one's telling me.

    Great photos! Your pedicure looks so pretty. I will spare you pictures of my feet; no pedicure for too, too long. And how thrilled does Rocco look to be playing with his Daddy?


  6. I miss the beach!
    I miss babies!
    I miss pretty feet that don't have 3 plates and 18 screws in them!

    The grass will always be greener.....

  7. Awww chubby baby feet are my fave! People can be so damn insensitive and that's a damn shame! I'm sorry.

  8. I'm a prickly pear too - sometimes I astound myself with my inability to engage in any sort of inane small talk. I always thought it was just me, my social development was retarded in some way. So nice to think I'm not alone ;)

    I'm loving all your summer photo's btw. That's a very sexy ped you've got there.

  9. Beautiful photos. They really are.

    I have many pictures like these, Eden. Of course, the people are different, but they hide the true feelings of the photographer just the same...

    I hope that this year of fresh beginnings and new found health will be one that helps to ease the pain of last year.

    Much love to you as always.

    P.S. Re the dream: maybe we could just sit for the ten minutes a day--no tears, no saddness. we could just sit and talk and enjoy. that would be nice. But, I still get the good hair, okay? :-)

  10. I so hear you on that one. Most people ARE annoying.

    There are very few decent people out there. VERY FEW!

    You are one of them.

  11. Just like people don't get infertility they just don't get cancer either if they haven't walked the path. I get it sister and yes you had a hell of a bitch of a year.

    I so love those photos too, so special.

  12. Rocco has Dave's EXACT forehead. Too cute.

    I am so sorry people don't know what to say, and then say something wrong and stupid instead.

    How about, "I can't imagine how horrible it must have been. Holy fuck. (Actively listening)"

  13. LOL, sexy toes!!!

    So glad you are getting your groove back sister friend.

  14. Gorgeous shots. I'm remembering how hard it was with two healthy adults and a newborn - I can't imagine what you guys went through. Well done on surviving, in more ways than one.

  15. I have found that the worst years of my life were the worst to me.....everyone'w worst is their worst, not necessarily my worst or the lady down the street's worst, but my own. Sometimes people say anything they think will make you feel better, whether it does or not. If only they could learn to just give a hug and say NOTHING. :)

    Great pictures and GREAT pedicure.

  16. Dude. Awesome. Heart swelling awesome.

    And ...

    I motherfucking love you had "motherfucking" in your title.


Write to be understood, speak to be heard. - Lawrence Powell

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