Friday, 9 January 2009

Going Down?

"It's been a long, hot summer
Lets get undercover
Don't try to hard to think,
don't think at all

I'm not the only one,
Staring at the sun.
Afraid of what you'd find
If you took a look inside."

U2 - Staring at the Sun

Monday was good. We got to the beach early and set up the little beach tent. Max transformed into a big guy before my eyes, running into the surf and swimming out, in the hopes of catching a wave back in. We ate hamburgers for lunch, Dave got way too sunburnt. The beach house is stunning, So is the weather. And the beach, and the children. Wondered why I felt strangely hollow.

Tuesday was a bit hard. Getting up in the morning seems so hard lately … Dave is such a morning freak that he often gets up before the baby … we let Tim sleep and went down to the beach. Dave went for a run and didn’t come back for two hours … finally he arrives back red-faced and panting that he got lost and ended up doing a 12 kilometre run. Chemo? What chemo?? I minded two boys on the beach by myself. Which was hard. We went out for lunch and dinner again …. cooking? Meh.

Wednesday, I tried so much to have a good time. Shopping, pedicure … haircut, new book. It worked, for a little while. The baby ate vegemite toast for the first time, I was so proud. Couldn’t seem to go for a walk on the beautiful beach. Patience non-existent. Yelled at Dave. Maybe it’s just PMT. Guys got out the most ridiculously violent movies, I went to bed in disgust.

Thursday was bullshit. I couldn’t even pretend I was ok anymore. So cranky … at myself. For Chrissake, one look at the news and all the violence and heartbreak … what is the matter? Stop being such a self-absorbed twat! Went ice-skating, Max loved it, my God he is good at anything he tries. So athletic and confident, I love watching him shine and grow. He was silent in the car for a while, then piped up with, “Mum, I just can’t believe that I’m finally growing up. I’m learning new stuff all the time. When will I stop learning new stuff and just know?”His words made my heart go warm, and I told him that, hopefully, he will never stop learning things. That some adults think they know everything but they don’t. And that I was learning new things, all the time. I told him to always keep learning, always ask questions.

Friday – today. Woke up and felt great. Thought, whew! Finally! I drove down with the sunroof popped, to pick up the boys to take them all out for brekky. They get in the car, music blaring. Dave talks about the new exercise thing he ordered and is picking up tomorrow. Then he proceeds to grab my armfat, jiggle said armfat, and tell me his new fancy exercise thing will definitely help with the armfat. Tim then grabs my other arm(fat), and agrees. I then yell and scream at the top of my lungs, and start crying. Told them to shutup, I KNOW I am fat but I do not need REMINDING. Total turdburgers. I yelled so much that my ears were ringing. Parked the car and said I was going for a walk, by myself. Cried and cried. And cried …. and, umm cried. My phone rang, and I accidentally answered it. It was my sister Linda, told her I didn’t mean to answer my phone. Told her about the boys and the armfat, she starts PISSING herself laughing, saying are those boys STUPID??!! I told her didn’t feel so good, and then she told me that I haven’t felt so good for a while.

And then the penny dropped. Haven’t I??!!!


I am feeling depression. In the true, true sense of the word. Everything feels so bleak and grey. I feel worthless, like my life has no meaning. I feel like a useless, pathetic idiot. I have been walking around on the verge of tears …. for a long, long time now. And got so fucking used to it, it’s like Bob Earle’s vulture at the end of his bed in the mornings. I feel like I should be “over” Dave’s cancer by now. Fini. Done … what’s next?

I’m going home tomorrow, and will be seeing my doctor next week, just to talk it out. I don’t want to go on medication, fucking hate the idea of taking anything mood-altering. He knows my entire history, and I trust him. So we shall see. Exercise, maybe some therapy would help. I know my thoughts aren’t real, but man they feel real. Sucks to be me.

Who motherfucking knows. I’m still finding my way, on this new blog. I will be posting more from now on. Blogging is different things on different days. It's reaching out and getting connected and being social. Damn it, blogging is just good for one's Soul.

I may feel like a piece of an amoeba's sphincter muscle, but darn I felt great when I watched Rocco eat his vegemite toast ...

.... and watched the boys help Maxie skate ....

.... and watched Dave (note the chemo-free complexion!) feed Rocco his peach ...


  1. Ack, nothing remotely clever to say today. Just fickin' my bic at you from down the hall again.

    PT and puffy hearts, E.


    D was here

  2. I meant "FLICKING". I am going to step away from the keys now ...



  3. Ok so first thing. You all spent how many months dealing with cancer? It's been less than a month since you got the all clear. I would think there was something wrong if you were saying you were over it. It's a big, life altering thing. Something that some people never fully recover from and that's ok.
    Second I think going to the doctor is a good plan. I suffered from depression for years and never knew what to call it. I was sad and cried all the time, was grumpy frequently, even a bitch. Going to the doctor and having him say there was a medical reason for why I felt the way I did was very liberating for me. It meant I wasn't crazy or incapable of dealing with my problems. Whatever you do to work through it, I hope it helps. I admit that I'm a big fan of medications but realize that some aren't. I would say (and I'm not telling you to go get meds) that a slightly different perspective on mind altering is they are chemical altering and depression can be a chemical imbalance. Again though, whatever works for you is great.

  4. See these ladies are so warm and smart I often just want to say 'what she said'.. there was a period of time for me where I felt I was okay -- just sort of blue, and then it became clear I wasn't okay. For me a combination of a great doctor and exercise -- though if the celexa I had taken had worked for me I would have kept on with that.

    I just wish I could be there. I'd give you tea and just sit there. Or a soy latte. Or just sit. Listen to U2, go through old photographs of ourselves as dorks, tell each other how resilient and amazing we are -- and we are...(if I do say so myself)...

    Love to you my friend, always


  5. Give yourself a break already! I'm glad you're going to see your doctor. I think it's perfectly normal to take a while to get back to happy/content/at-least-not-constantly-cranky. But if medication helps get you back on track - well, it doesn't have to be permanent and it doesn't label you as crazy.

    For God's sake, who wouldn't cry if a bunch of people started pointing out your armfat? I certainly would. What am I talking about? My husband does it all the time (he's more focused on my belly and my ass - you'd think I was obese instead of well within the range of normal) and I scream at him and then cry. And, he didn't have cancer. Insensitive pig.

  6. Wishing I could just hang out with you and these other wise women.

    I think we have the power to heal each other.


  7. it will help to talk it out. I didnt want to go the medication route either. I would rather deal with my issues head on, learn to resolve them myself- before taking anything. I might consider going on, if my mood cant be changed my my own work.

    Your boys are beautiful- and tim is growing- isnt he?

    And FYI- You are thin, thin, thin! Tell your husband to co me see how big my face is- before he makes his skinny wife feel fat!

  8. Oh hun, I really think now that you have let your breath out from the whole nightmare you will NOW go through all the emotions you bottled for so long. Like now you have to take just as long as it took to go "through" all the emotions that came up and were bottled.

    It totally c=sucks and I think talking to doc and sisters and a therapist is awesome, but also realizing this is happening and being really gentle with yourself is very important. You went through a TON, you have not had a moment to experience all of the emotions of it yet.

    Much love.

  9. Oh, sweetie! I totally agree with what others have said. Of course you're not over this. It was a HUGE trauma!

    Also echoing what others have said about anti-depressants. They are not mood altering, they are intended to correct a chemical imbalance. Your brain produces all sorts of chemicals in the wrong proportions when you are going through so much. If you were talking about anti-anxiety meds, I would agree that they are mood altering.

    And what Dave and Tim did ... WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! You are not fat! And even if your were, NOT NICE!

    Oh, I like Pam's suggestion. Go revisit the dork extravaganza!


  10. omg, boys are *so* stupid!!!

    Rocco could not possibly be cuter.

    I don't see how you could be "over" anything yet. I don't think you had time to process anything for like the last year. Now that crisis mode is over, I think it makes sense to have some emotional turmoil.

    I've got total faith that you will come through, and be stronger and better than ever. (ugh, that sounds so cliche and trite and stupid, but I mean it!!)


  11. You survived some serious shit last year, SOBER! You had to be so strong, even sometimes putting yourself on auto pilot and you still made it. You are the glue that holds your family together, you are still sticky but I think it is completely natural to be depressed over the events that are still fresh. You may not be a superhero but you are very close in my eyes! Give yourself a break and eat some chocolate. P.S., you are not FAT, you are beautiful! Love, Cynthia

  12. Hey Lil'missy, there are so many other "mind altering" drugs you could be on and your not. Maybe this is the time you might actually need one, for reals! Talk to your doctor.
    As for the arm jello, it's a age thing. Use that jello to punch Dave in the nose next time! Ha!

    Might I just add that Dave is looking pretty "Hot" these days!

  13. Now hear me out before you think I am crazy…well never mind, I know its too late but listen up anyway. Your brain is supposed to produce serotonin. There are several things we do that make this happen. Sometimes our bodies screw up and do stupid things like raise our blood pressure, make us fart, and sometimes it quits making adequate amounts of serotonin which happens to be our very own personal happy drug manufacturer in our brains. When the serotonin isn’t being made, we are not being made happy and replacing it is very important. I fought this for a long time until my doc told me that taking a pill to replace that was no different than taking a pill to lower my blood pressure or to calm my grumbling guts. It took me quite awhile to find one that worked without side effects but I did and my mind isn't altered…..IT IS FINALLY CLEAR.

    Like you I had had a traumatic year that led up to this and I have to wonder if there is a medical link between stress and loss of serotonin production….I have no idea, but feeling “whole” again has made such a difference in my life and how I feel about things in general.

    I only wish I had known about it all my life.

    The events that brought it all to a head were quite literally the last straw but certainly wasn’t the only cause of my depression and had I not started the medications…..well who knows who I would be pummeling now!

  14. Sisters are so wise aren't they? They will help you through this, as will that insensitive boofer of a husband of yours, as will we.

    Your plan of attack sounds great. Don't be hard on yourself if it takes a while to get your equilibrium back. It will come.

  15. Hugs and love, Eden.

    It will take time, but you'll get there. You're much too stuborn not to! :-)

    I think I'll be working on getting "there" with you. The aftermath of our drama keeps popping up to say hi in my head, too. The bitch.

  16. Yeah, you're depressed babe. Been there - I don't have your history (god, i haven't lived!!!!) but ended up on Nortriptyline and that really helped. One thing - please please ask your doc to do a blood screen - if you are low in B and a couple of others they can cause depression, so there may be a "natural" way to help you.

    You know - you've been through huge stuff. A year of huge stuff. It's not over just like that. You need to be easy on yourself, get the help you need be it therapy or whatever. You can't just flick a switch - you've had some pretty life altering stuff happen. And the WORST thing you can do is beat up on yourself for not being happy when you think you should be. Don't you do that!

    Some days it was all just grey. It reallly was. But eventually the sun came out again. Promise darl.

    XOOXOOXX look me up on FB if you wanna talk anytime.

  17. Umm...let me rephrase something.

    Lack of B and some other vitamins can CONTRIBUTE to depression as well as cause it. I'm not saying that your depression is from something as pathetically small as a lack of some vitamin cos we know that's not true. But when I had B shots (in the ass, but hey you've done IVF, you can handle that) it was amazing how the fog lifted.

    Worth a blood test anyhow. Love ya.

  18. Anxiety builds up like layers. It takes a long time to peel those layers all away! You are doing that though and speaking as a mother I'm so proud of you!

  19. Getting over it?? Sweetheart, now is when you BEGIN to deal with it. Now is when it all crashes down because you can finally, FINALLY stop holding your breath and fighting away every bad thought for fear of imminent collapse and just take a moment to look at it all and gasp "HOLY HELL, WHAT WAS THAT?!" It's like nearly getting hit by a truck. You're fine for the first five minutes because you're so relieved you're alive. But then it hits home, OMG, I almost got run over. And you shake and shake and shake and cry like mad. Give yourself permission, hon. It's gonna take a while. It's okay that it does.

    Also, you are not fat. Enough said about that.

    Rocco is still enormously cute and I so wish he and Sam could have a playdate. They would probably destroy whatever building tried to contain them but man, it would be awesome.

    Love you so much. I'm hugging you from here.


  20. We're human beings remember, not human doings and you've were pitched headlong into doing what was needed, what HAD to be done, since the Big Diagnosis. And now you, as you return to being, you're exhausted and shattered and weepy and depressed. No bloody wonder. Your being needs to process the last months and derive some meaning from it all.

    Won't enter into the meds debate as I don't have any experience in that area but I will encourage you to start going down the exercise route no matter what. Not for the armfat issue, but for how it can help you come back to yourself. Just walking outside for half an hour will put you back in touch with the wider world and its eternal presence. Tell the brain chatter to shut the f*ck up already, and just enjoy looking at what's around you. I found having my camera in hand made me "see" the tiny moments and things I usually missed. OK, crunchy granola moment over!

    And, if all else fails, I'll point Shamu in your direction and send him up to help you deal with those tactless boys of yours. Just say the word.

  21. You will find just reaching out will be helpful. I hate the meds too, I wasn't on them for long but the time I was, was just enough to break the blues cycle and get back on my feet.
    Perhaps that is all you need.

    Yay for eating Vegemite toast, good Aussie boy he is and so cute.

    We stayed at the Mag*enta Shores Res0rt,the weekend was not long enough :). Copa*cabana is lovely too.

  22. The cancer might be gone, but you are still feeling its aftershocks.You can't get that close to the icy breath of death and not come away a little burned from it. You'll be over the cancer...when you're over it. You all are still in the beginning of your springtime. Summer will come when it's ready.


Write to be understood, speak to be heard. - Lawrence Powell

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