Friday, 9 January 2009

Going Down?

"It's been a long, hot summer
Lets get undercover
Don't try to hard to think,
don't think at all

I'm not the only one,
Staring at the sun.
Afraid of what you'd find
If you took a look inside."

U2 - Staring at the Sun

Monday was good. We got to the beach early and set up the little beach tent. Max transformed into a big guy before my eyes, running into the surf and swimming out, in the hopes of catching a wave back in. We ate hamburgers for lunch, Dave got way too sunburnt. The beach house is stunning, So is the weather. And the beach, and the children. Wondered why I felt strangely hollow.

Tuesday was a bit hard. Getting up in the morning seems so hard lately … Dave is such a morning freak that he often gets up before the baby … we let Tim sleep and went down to the beach. Dave went for a run and didn’t come back for two hours … finally he arrives back red-faced and panting that he got lost and ended up doing a 12 kilometre run. Chemo? What chemo?? I minded two boys on the beach by myself. Which was hard. We went out for lunch and dinner again …. cooking? Meh.

Wednesday, I tried so much to have a good time. Shopping, pedicure … haircut, new book. It worked, for a little while. The baby ate vegemite toast for the first time, I was so proud. Couldn’t seem to go for a walk on the beautiful beach. Patience non-existent. Yelled at Dave. Maybe it’s just PMT. Guys got out the most ridiculously violent movies, I went to bed in disgust.

Thursday was bullshit. I couldn’t even pretend I was ok anymore. So cranky … at myself. For Chrissake, one look at the news and all the violence and heartbreak … what is the matter? Stop being such a self-absorbed twat! Went ice-skating, Max loved it, my God he is good at anything he tries. So athletic and confident, I love watching him shine and grow. He was silent in the car for a while, then piped up with, “Mum, I just can’t believe that I’m finally growing up. I’m learning new stuff all the time. When will I stop learning new stuff and just know?”His words made my heart go warm, and I told him that, hopefully, he will never stop learning things. That some adults think they know everything but they don’t. And that I was learning new things, all the time. I told him to always keep learning, always ask questions.

Friday – today. Woke up and felt great. Thought, whew! Finally! I drove down with the sunroof popped, to pick up the boys to take them all out for brekky. They get in the car, music blaring. Dave talks about the new exercise thing he ordered and is picking up tomorrow. Then he proceeds to grab my armfat, jiggle said armfat, and tell me his new fancy exercise thing will definitely help with the armfat. Tim then grabs my other arm(fat), and agrees. I then yell and scream at the top of my lungs, and start crying. Told them to shutup, I KNOW I am fat but I do not need REMINDING. Total turdburgers. I yelled so much that my ears were ringing. Parked the car and said I was going for a walk, by myself. Cried and cried. And cried …. and, umm cried. My phone rang, and I accidentally answered it. It was my sister Linda, told her I didn’t mean to answer my phone. Told her about the boys and the armfat, she starts PISSING herself laughing, saying are those boys STUPID??!! I told her didn’t feel so good, and then she told me that I haven’t felt so good for a while.

And then the penny dropped. Haven’t I??!!!

No.

I am feeling depression. In the true, true sense of the word. Everything feels so bleak and grey. I feel worthless, like my life has no meaning. I feel like a useless, pathetic idiot. I have been walking around on the verge of tears …. for a long, long time now. And got so fucking used to it, it’s like Bob Earle’s vulture at the end of his bed in the mornings. I feel like I should be “over” Dave’s cancer by now. Fini. Done … what’s next?

I’m going home tomorrow, and will be seeing my doctor next week, just to talk it out. I don’t want to go on medication, fucking hate the idea of taking anything mood-altering. He knows my entire history, and I trust him. So we shall see. Exercise, maybe some therapy would help. I know my thoughts aren’t real, but man they feel real. Sucks to be me.

Who motherfucking knows. I’m still finding my way, on this new blog. I will be posting more from now on. Blogging is different things on different days. It's reaching out and getting connected and being social. Damn it, blogging is just good for one's Soul.

I may feel like a piece of an amoeba's sphincter muscle, but darn I felt great when I watched Rocco eat his vegemite toast ...


.... and watched the boys help Maxie skate ....



.... and watched Dave (note the chemo-free complexion!) feed Rocco his peach ...


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