Can you hear that sound?
It's the muffled sound of somebody censoring their own blog!
Fuck that. *Ahem*
I feel like shit, and have had an AWFUL first day to this year! Why can't I just be with my family down the beach? Why must I be so obstinate and stubborn? (But Dave started it!! Somebody call the wah-mbulance!)
Aftershocks of the year-that-was still ripple and affect us all. We are still trying to heal. I am not healed. I have forgiven God ... which is a great start. But for fucks sake (sorry, NancyGrayce!) I am bruised beyond belief.
I am ANGRY that the first six months of Roccos life have been so shit ... so terrifying. One chemo after another, bang bang bang. And now what - Dave's all better? Well what the FUCK was the point of it all? It's just stupid.
I did IVF to have Rocco. There are women out there, for whom infertility (and loss) marks their soul in ways unimaginable to me. I was lucky .. even though a LOT of angst and heartache was involved, I got pregnant. And stayed pregnant. People would have been jealous. Then Dave goes and grows stupid tumours, and people ... they weren't so jealous anymore.
I looked at a photo on my fridge today. It's a beautiful shot, of me holding Rocco in hospital while Max looks adoringly on. And I shuddered. Because I remember how I truly felt. And it was dark, and black. I am only now still playing catch-up, with the baby .... he's seven months old and I only just counted all his toes. Looked at him properly. Wanted to know who he is.
Sometimes our family is a seething swirl of emotions all over the place. Tim is reeling from stuff of his own. Dave is trying to claw his way back into the world. Max - he knows everything. So Dave and the boys are there and me and the baby are here and it makes me so sad, we couldn't all get our shit together to see in this new year.
It's 7.40pm and my friend Pixxie just made me laugh on Facebook, it's the first time I've laughed in two days.
I look around me, and I swear I feel like the only dysfunctional, fucked-up person on the planet. And I want to hide away and pretend I'm ok - but I'm not! I am not ok!
Last week I bumped into my old therapist. From hab. I told her I HAD to tell her .... I started a new blog and named it after her coffee mug, the one I used to look at every day in group - those painful, painful groups where she ripped me to shreds and I needed it so badly.
It feels so good, to see her in the street these days and she treats me like an equal. And tells me how great it is I got through the last year.
Life ... it's nothing like the brochure.
INDEED.
(And now ... paradoxically, I feel better ... after admitting how crap I really am. Strange).
Thursday, 1 January 2009
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Um... you've been through a living nightmare and you're finally waking up. And you are feeling guilty for thrashing? You are human. First we get through it. Then we realize what we've been through and we experience it all again in a different way. And finally, we realize that we are human and had human responses and that we need time to put things in order emotionally. We need to be patient with ourselves. It's not about making up for what didn't happen; it's about making now and the future as full of good stuff as we can.
ReplyDeleteJMHO
Rona Michelson
(Marriage and family therapist and mother and grandmother of many)
Eden~~you are simply putting into words what MANY of us are feeling and are too afraid to say.
ReplyDeleteYou have kept it raw and real and shown us your flaws~~the same ones we ALL have, but hide.
FYI~S2 was 11 months old before I crawled out of my grief and counted his toes. Yesterday (at age 18) he told me I am the best mom in the world. If he only knew.
No, we're all fucked up. Some of us just work to hide it while others let it all hang out. Honestly I think it's probably healthier to let it all out.
ReplyDeleteYou have had a shitty year and you're still processing and mourning what was, could have been and is. Hang in there. You are an amazing and inspiring lady.
"I swear I feel like the only dysfunctional, fucked-up person on the planet."
ReplyDeleteThat lept out at me; all I can do is quote another coffee mug that says the only 'normal' people are the ones you don't know very well. ITA with OHN.
I haven't had the least bit stressful year compared to you and yet I can relate to what you are saying.
I know I'm not the only dysfunctional, bleeped-up person on the planet ... but everyone else is so busy pretending that I might as well be. ;)
Crazy ... party of one .... :) I think that might be the nature of nuts, eh?
One day at a time, Babe. And if that's too much, then one hour or one minute. It only ~looks~ bigger than you.
Let's give 'em hell.
XXOOXXOO
D.
Rocco will never know it took you a while to count his toes. Who has time to count toes in the middle of a hurricane? Shouldn't you be using both hands to hold on for dear life?
ReplyDeleteI always find it amazing how sharing helps so damn much, even in this medium.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing, thanks for the honesty.
Happy New Year friend.
Hi kindred spirit, my red-haired friend.
ReplyDeleteWe are the dysfunction sisters. I often feel so...so much like a hermit, so not a part of the world -- and I look at others and imagine they are so much more a part of it than I am -- and then I come here and read -- and I feel less alone -- that CS Lewis thing is read -- we do read to know we aren't alone.
I love you Eden.
Xo
Pam
:-) Sending hugs to you darl. Glad the laugh helped - helped me lots too! I'm not feeling wise this mornig but I do agree with your other lovely commenters. XOXOX
ReplyDelete"I swear I feel like the only dysfunctional, fucked-up person on the planet."
ReplyDeleteTrust me, you are not alone!
It takes time to come out of the fog. And when you do get out, it's so bright and it feels so un-safe. You're doing fine. If we are going to count toes late and say we're bad moms, then hell, I got ya beat by a LONG shot sister!
ReplyDeleteHugs
Raising hand. Fucked up too.
ReplyDeletePlease try to be gentle with yourself. You have been living in hell. Rocco is wanted and loved. It will get easier.
xoxo!!!
I wouldn't come to your blog if you were all sunshine and roses!
ReplyDeleteYou just remind me that I am not alone. Can you imagine how you would feel later, down the road if you didn't vent? I think this blog is therapy for you. I think your followers are validation that you are still a very wise person. A person with much to offer.
Just think about what kind of person you would be if you didn't take it "One day at a time!"
You are a wonderful mother, wife, and friend!
XOXO,
Elaine
I have never felt more fucked up than on my last family holiday - I swear they are bad for you. They set the balance off kilter or something.
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone my love. You've been through a really heavy year, try to be kind to yourself.
I'm dysfunctional! And fucked up.
ReplyDeleteI'm stubborn as hell, so I wouldn't have gone to the beach either.
As far as Baby - I don't think he knows how much happened these past months, or that you're falling in loe with so many new things you're noticing now. I think he knows, always knew, that you love him.
I am wishing you so much happiness for 2009. It will all come together. (I swear, I am *always* right. Or so I always say.)
~Kimberly
Dammit, why is your blog not updating on my bloglines?! I keep missing things and it's making me CRANKY.
ReplyDeleteMaybe we can start an Angry Internets Club or something. Because now that Sarge is so much better than he has been for the past six years (funny how "can't drive because of massive seizures" is actually BETTER) and we have Sam, I should be so happy, right? I should be skipping around like life is one big tampon ad. But I'm not. I'm angry and hurt and confused and I wonder why I had it so together emotionally and spiritually when things were spinning totally out of control and yet now that they are better I'm just a total mess.
Whoops, this is about you, not me! All that to say, you're normal. NORMAL, I tell you! And I'd hug you if there wasn't a big old ocean in the way. The good news is that it won't be like this forever. It will get better. It really will.
xoxoxoxox
Flicka
One of my personal mottoes is that there are no functional people, only dysfunctional people who can act.
ReplyDeleteAs one dysfunctional with acting skills that are too often compromised, to another, be gentle with yourself. All of us, every single one, balances on the razors edge that is life. And it cuts us deeply as we stumble along it, sometimes confidently and strongly and sometimes wobbling and screaming and trying to hang on to that sharp edge that keeps us alive.
And totally nothing wrong with a quiet entry into a New Year.
Unfortunately, life is not that magical - your stresses may have taken off for other parts, but the after-effects are still present. You'll have to learn how to be relaxed again.
ReplyDeleteRocco doesn't know that you weren't the mom you wanted to be. He knows that he's loved and cared for. He'll need that toe-counting, gazing-adoringly mom when he's 3 and tearing up your house.
Take it easy on yourself! You're doing great....we all, all thrash around sometimes. :)
ReplyDeleteYea for keeping it real, Eden. Censoring isn't real for you. (besides, you really write nothing you should have to censor)
ReplyDeleteAn awful start means the year can only get better, right? :-) I am trying to be the glass is half full type of girl here. Did it work?
With the year that you've had, it is only natural that the aftermath of overwhelming feelings should start now that the calm has come. Your body knows that now it can cope with the feelings. There is time. There is the safety of remission. Don't beat yourself up over it. I think it is totally normal. (we went through/are going through the same type of stuff here now that Shawn's health has finally improved)
I am glad that you ran into your therapist, too. You have much to be proud of--she knew it, we (your blog buddies) know it, and maybe now you know it, too.
Much love as always. Stacie
Fucked up ? Geez you don't really want to know what is going through this head. I am fucked up too !
ReplyDeleteI think some alone time with Rocco is probably a good thing, enjoy the time to count his fingers and toes.
You have had a crap year, who knows why you have been thrown these challenges but here you are, you have got through them. Now the new year is here for you with a fresh start.
Hmmm...I never know what to do with new years day, but I think a turning over to 09 gievn how richly 08 sucked will be good, yes?
ReplyDeleteDO you know that this was the first year I can recall I didn't even do anything for new year's eve?
Does that say bad things about me, or does it mean I'm finally growing up?
J
Know what I did for New Years Eve? I spent the last minutes of 2008 in the shower, cleansing myself of that horrid year's stench, thankyouverymuch. While standing under the warm water, my new-found ritual involved me praying a silent-but-fervent prayer that this year will be better; that I will be better. I was praying that I have a more positive outlook on life this year, and that Life will treat me and mine kindly. That's about as close as I get to resolutions.
ReplyDeleteLast year blew chunks - I'm sincerely hoping 2009's a vast improvement!
Love you, Eden. :)