Monday, 29 December 2008

Love. Kiss. Man. Woman.

Yesterday, I told Dave about Emilie.

I wasn't going to ... but I just couldn't help it. We were on one of our "Let's just get so fucking fit" mammoth walks, and I blurted it out.

"A woman whose blog I read died. She found out she had cancer when she was pregnant with her second child. She fought it, but died the other night."

I didn't want to tell Dave because I didn't want to spin him out ... if I said that to him he would scoff, and tell me as if he could EVER be spun out. I'm sure he can, as he is not Superhuman. (Even though everyone - including himself, thinks he is.)
"Wow." He thought for a while. "Did she do chemo? How old were her boys?"

Emilie did do chemo .. a lot of it. Her eldest son is three, and the baby is nine months. I found a link to her blog through someone elses, who put out the word for some support. My ears pricked immediately, especially seeing "cancer" and "newborn" in the same sentence. So I started reading, and sometimes commenting.

Wishing her on, wondering how she was, thinking about her from down here.

Now she has died, her babies have no mother, her husband left to find the strength he never knew he had ... but is in us all. And things make no sense.

And a woman in Australia tells her husband on a long walk about how narrowly he escaped death this year, we must cherish every single moment. Every day is a bonus. Even when I argue with Dave and call him every name under the sun (because I am thoughtful like that) .... we know how close we came to the fire. So close, in fact .. that the backs of our heels are charred from running away from it.

So close.

I keep showing off on Facebook. Status updates of beach houses and bikinis .. and now I know why.

For so long, we were the Broken Family, hiding away. Nobody was allowed to look at us. No pity, thanks. I can make enough on my own.

But now we are out in the sun, look .... I have a beautiful baby! My husband is no longer the Beige Man .. he is HOT! Look ... here is a photo of me kissing him on the beach to prove it!

Maybe I'm not necessarily the Showpony from Showland .... maybe I'm just sticking my finger up at the cancer that came and left us this year.

Hopefully forever .... but you just never know, do you? I believe it's called making hay while the sun shines. And the sun is shining on us, my friends. Freaking GLARING.


A ladybug landed on my finger yesterday when I was folding washing. It waltzed up my pinky and flew off, so I put a prayer out to Universe, for Emilie and her boys.

She asked her husband Stephen to put this quote on her blog, after she had passed away.
Fare Well, Emilie. Thank you.

"And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?

I did.

And what did you want?

To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on the earth."

— Raymond Carver


  1. I cried when I read about Emilie. I've been reading her blog for a while as well. She was very special.

    Every day is a blessing. Each. And. Every. Day.


  2. I had only just discovered Emilies blog, I couldn't belive the first post I read was her last.

    I could never tell Max about her she has the same type of cancer that Max has. It scares me that it took her so fast.
    We really must make the most of each day.

    Love your pic.

  3. Beautiful post, my dear. Wonderful tribute.

  4. I also thought she would have more time after reading her last post. I had no idea it would be her last, and she only had a few days left.

    I simply cannot make any sense of why a young woman has to die and leave her children motherless. It breaks my heart.

  5. Beautiful picture. The news of Emilie broke my heart as well.

    But I love thinking of you both making hay in that shining sun!!!

  6. I can stop thinking about Emilie. I am glad to see you too happy! may it last forever!!!!!!!!!!!!

  7. I am so glad that you are feeling alive again. I honestly do not have it in my weak body to read hte last post of emilie's. I started reading and my body trembled in fear and my mind revolted. I had to stop I was just so devestated at the universe for her and her family

  8. He looks so fabulously healthy in that pic. I am so happy for you.

    Heartbroken about Emilie.

  9. I cried when I read about Emilie too. It's so sad. You are so right that each day is a gift, even the bad days.

  10. I cried when I saw the last post on her blog. My husband thinks I'm Cuckoo For Cocoa Puffs. I can see myself completely in her shoes, and that is what scares me the most. I've been cuddling my son a lot this weekend.

  11. I am still shocked by how quickly Emilie died.

    I hate saying 'die', but I hate euphamisms more...


  12. I just clicked on the link and was floored. So young, so beautiful...those boys will be OK- Bce now they have an angel in heaven. My husband and his two siblings lost their mother at such a young age- and he is the strongest man I know.

    Sending you kisses

  13. Thanks for sharing about Emilie. I went to her blog and read awhile, thinking of her husband and sons and how hard life can be. And how fortunate we are just right now in this moment. Thanks again! Keep running!

  14. I need to remember this more often. More often as in every day.

    ladybugs = good luck!

  15. Emilie's passing is yet another reminder that life is so very precious. I have had a hard time keeping myself from hugging and kissing the boys at every opportunity since I read of her death.

    Eden, it makes me so happy to see your tan, relaxed faces in that picture. This new year will be the best year yet for you and your family. I just know it!

    Much love to you and yours as always! :-)

  16. Emilie's story was a amazing tale of spirit. When I really felt it was when I went back and re-read her Easter 2006 post about Steve. Boy did she have insight.
    I feel for her husband and her boys. What a great woman.

  17. I've started posting a lot of pics on MySpace and Facebook in the last few months too. Nothing quite as showy as you, I don't think, but still physical evidence that my life is not as wretched as it was a year or two ago. Not sure if I'm proving it to everyone else or myself though...


Write to be understood, speak to be heard. - Lawrence Powell

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