Yesterday, I told Dave about Emilie.
I wasn't going to ... but I just couldn't help it. We were on one of our "Let's just get so fucking fit" mammoth walks, and I blurted it out.
"A woman whose blog I read died. She found out she had cancer when she was pregnant with her second child. She fought it, but died the other night."
I didn't want to tell Dave because I didn't want to spin him out ... if I said that to him he would scoff, and tell me as if he could EVER be spun out. I'm sure he can, as he is not Superhuman. (Even though everyone - including himself, thinks he is.)
"Wow." He thought for a while. "Did she do chemo? How old were her boys?"
Emilie did do chemo .. a lot of it. Her eldest son is three, and the baby is nine months. I found a link to her blog through someone elses, who put out the word for some support. My ears pricked immediately, especially seeing "cancer" and "newborn" in the same sentence. So I started reading, and sometimes commenting.
Wishing her on, wondering how she was, thinking about her from down here.
Now she has died, her babies have no mother, her husband left to find the strength he never knew he had ... but is in us all. And things make no sense.
And a woman in Australia tells her husband on a long walk about how narrowly he escaped death this year, we must cherish every single moment. Every day is a bonus. Even when I argue with Dave and call him every name under the sun (because I am thoughtful like that) .... we know how close we came to the fire. So close, in fact .. that the backs of our heels are charred from running away from it.
I keep showing off on Facebook. Status updates of beach houses and bikinis .. and now I know why.
For so long, we were the Broken Family, hiding away. Nobody was allowed to look at us. No pity, thanks. I can make enough on my own.
But now we are out in the sun, look .... I have a beautiful baby! My husband is no longer the Beige Man .. he is HOT! Look ... here is a photo of me kissing him on the beach to prove it!
Maybe I'm not necessarily the Showpony from Showland .... maybe I'm just sticking my finger up at the cancer that came and left us this year.
Hopefully forever .... but you just never know, do you? I believe it's called making hay while the sun shines. And the sun is shining on us, my friends. Freaking GLARING.
A ladybug landed on my finger yesterday when I was folding washing. It waltzed up my pinky and flew off, so I put a prayer out to Universe, for Emilie and her boys.
She asked her husband Stephen to put this quote on her blog, after she had passed away.
Fare Well, Emilie. Thank you.
"And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on the earth."
— Raymond Carver